Smooching and Mooching

Nick:MY CRAP IS WAY BETTER THAN THIS CRAP

Nick:WHY DO PEOPLE SAVE THEIR BOOKS, LIKE...READ A BOOK TWICE?

Daniel · Nick:THAT WOULD BRING THE ANDOPOLIS DRUM KIT TO AN EVEN 30 PIECES. 31 PIECES.

Nick:I WAS PLAYING AMERICAN BAND WHILE HE WAS WATCHING 60 MINUTES

Lindsay:NICK...WHERE ARE YOUR DRUMS?

Nick's Dad:THOSE DRUMS WERE MAKING YOU GO DEAF. OTHERWISE, YOU WOULD HAVE HEARD ALL THE TIMES THAT I TRIED TO TELL YOU TO CLEAN UP YOUR ACT

Nick's Dad:WITH A LITTLE MORE EFFORT, YOU COULD END UP LIVING IN A CARDBOARD BOX

Nick:MAYBE THE DRUMS ARE MY FUTURE! WHY DON'T YOU THINK ABOUT THAT?

Nick's Dad:HOW MUCH DID YOU SPEND ON DRUMS AND HOW MUCH DID YOU SPEND ON DRUGS?

Sam:THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH THESE CANS!

Bill:THEY GET REASSIGNED TO EUROPE TO WORK ON A TOP SECRET MISSION CONCERNING THE URBAN ASSAULT VEHICLE. THEN THE STUPID BORDER GUYS WOULDN'T LET THEM IN.

Cindy:SAM, I JUST BROKE UP WITH TODD

Cindy:DON'T BE! TODD'S A JERK. HE'S ONLY INTERESTED IN ONE THING. ALL THESE JOCKS ARE.

Sam:MY GOD! IT'S HAPPENING! YOU GUYS, WHERE'S MY CHAIR?

Lindsay · Kim:SHALLOTS? IT'S A POTATO. THEY'RE SHALLOTS, RIGHT?

Daniel:GRATEFUL DEAD. MUSIC SUCKS. CHICKS ARE HOT!

Nick:DOES ANYBODY WANNA GIVE ME A NECK RUB?

Nick:BETTER THAN SLEEPING IN MY MAVERICK

Ken:HE DOESN'T EVEN LET MY GRANDMA STAY OVER. HE'S GOT ISSUES.

Daniel:YOU GOTTA REMEMBER TO FLUSH THE TOILET! MY MOM ALMOST HAD A HEART ATTACK THIS MORNING.

Daniel:I HAD TO PLUNGE--

Harold:IT'S CALLED 3 IRRATIONAL DAYS PER MONTH

Lindsay:MEN GET PERIODS, TOO. IT HAS TO DO WITH YOUR BODY TIDES.

Harold:MY BODY DOES NOT HAVE A TIDE

Harold Weir:MY BODY DOES NOT HAVE A TIDE.

Nick:LET ME GUESS. [SNIFFS] MEAT?

Harold:IT WOULD...ROCK

Nick:I THINK MY SCHOOLWORK WAS INTERFERING WITH MY DRUMS

Harold:Harold's mortified reaction to Nick's statement

Nick:IT'S LIKE YOU COOKED THIS IN HEAVEN...THEN BROUGHT IT BACK DOWN HERE TO YOUR TABLE

Bill:THAT WAS NEAL. HE JUST SAID IT WAS ME

Cindy:NO, I LIKE LIKE SAM

Bill:CINDY WANTED ME TO FIND OUT IF YOU LI--

Daniel:THEN YOU OFFER TO GIVE A BACK RUB. YOU DO IT RIGHT... YOU'RE IN.

Nick:I WOULDN'T TURN HER AWAY

Kim:IF HE TRIES TO GIVE YOU A FOOT MASSAGE...RUN

Neal:UH, HEY, CINDY, YOU WANT TO GO WITH ME TO MONA'S PARTY? WELL, I WAS KIND OF HOPING THAT SAM WAS GONNA ASK ME, BUT SINCE HE DOESN'T SEEM INTERESTED, OK, THOR.

Bill · Neal:THEY'RE SMILING.

Bill:THEY ARE. BUT THAT'S ONE CULT I WOULDN'T MIND JOINING. BRING ON THE PODS.

Nick:YOU'RE STARTING TO SOUND LIKE MY DAD, MR. WEIR

Harold:WELL, THEN, YOUR DAD IS A SMART MAN

Nick · Harold:THAT'S NEIL PEART. HE'S THE GREATEST DRUMMER ALIVE. WELL, NEIL PEART COULDN'T DRUM HIS WAY OUT OF A PAPER BAG.

Lindsay:NICK WAS SO INTO ME, HE MADE ME WANT TO MOVE TO A DIFFERENT COUNTRY

Sam:I DON'T THINK NICK'S IN LOVE WITH YOU. I THINK HE'S IN LOVE WITH MOM AND DAD.

Sam:FRENCH KISSING IS GROSS. I WOULDN'T FRENCH KISS IN A MILLION YEARS.

Bill:GERMS. SPIT. MUCUS. OLD BITS OF FOOD. THAT'S JUST TO NAME A COUPLE. THERE'S A LOT OF THINGS IN THERE.

Bill:WHAT IF I THROW UP IN HER MOUTH?

Gordon:I'M SAVING MY VIRGINITY FOR THE FUTURE MRS. CRISP

Neal:THEN YOU ADD OR SUBTRACT A SMALL PERCENTAGE OF TORQUE BASED ON THE POSITION OF YOUR TARGET

Neal:WE'LL LOOK LIKE THE SMOTHERS BROTHERS

Neal:NICE DICKEY!

Bill:THEY PUT HIM IN THAT ROOM WITH THE BLIND GUY AND THE INDIAN GUY

Lindsay · Harold:WHEN I DO, YOU JUST YELL AT ME. THAT'S BECAUSE I EXPECT MORE FROM YOU

Nick's Dad · Harold:HAROLD, HOW OLD IS YOUR SON? 14. YOU CALL ME WHEN HE TURNS 16.

Neal:THERE IS OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING WRONG WITH THAT BOTTLE

Nick:YOU SURE YOU DON'T WANNA ADOPT ME?

Vicki:YOU'RE A JERK. I COULDN'T BE LESS HAPPY TO BE IN HERE WITH YOU

Bill:I WATCH MOVIES IN MY HEAD

Harold:YOU'RE MY DAUGHTER. AND...EVERY SECOND YOU'RE OUT OF THIS HOUSE, EVERY SECOND THAT I CAN'T SEE YOU OR KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING, IT'S...IT'S ABSOLUTE TORTURE FOR ME.

Harold:WHY NOT?

Party Host:BILL, YOUR 7 MINUTES WERE UP 5 MINUTES AGO. VICKI, YOUR NIGHTMARE'S OVER.