Gareth

why am i getting fired? You're not getting fired. It's redundancy.

Anton's not disabled. - He's a midget. Yeah, but you're not disabled if you're a midget. That's just small.

Children don't work in warehouses.

A dwarf has disproportionately short arms and legs. Oh, i know the ones. It's caused by a hormone deficiency. Yeah. Bloody hormones.

So what's an elf? Do you want to answer that?

'It's been imposed upon me!' Yeah. What do you want me to say, i'm sorry? Yeah. I want you to say you're sorry.

So is a pixie the same as an elf? Hold on, gareth. I just want to know how he knows so much about midgets.

It's called an education.

So what's a goblin? How long will you be?

I'm thinking of other weird-looking bald people. That one on benny hill? Oh, yeah.

Could you not do that here, mate? Not do that here? I've got to do it, mate. Really. No chance you could throw it in the bin?

Yeah, and i'll take them round to rival companies and hand them out.

Gareth, can you keep it down a bit? Hmm? Can you stop it? Yeah. I'll just do it like this.

No. I'll be getting a proper assistant - a p.a. A lady? Hopefully, yeah. Not 'cause of that, just...

Territorial? No. Regular? Yeah. What rank? Sergeant, i think. What are you? Lieutenant, sir.

The dog was called nigger. Don't keep saying it.

Take anything you want. To keep? Yup. I'll have the guitar. Not the guitar. I meant stationery. Something i can re-order.

that's the most profound thing you've ever said. You do that and foreigners, women or the disabled take advantage of it. Can i withdraw my last comment?

You think you're so... just 'cause you got a bit of donna, and i played by the rules 'cause she was out of bounds. You sneaked in. I'd have got a bit if i'd known it was up for grabs.

I'd have done her, but that would be shitting on your own doorstep. Anyway, i don't do sloppy seconds.

- That's your... that's an earring. - Whatever. Get over it.

- It's bleeding. - Really stings. - Is it an old one that...? - Yeah. I had to push really hard. - They heal over. - It had healed over. So i opened a sore...

- what are you looking at? - Nothing.

I can't believe a bird fancies you over me. He's a weird little bloke. Look at his hair. He looks like a fisher price man. His rubbish clothes.

There must be something wrong with you, but i'd still do you, so i'm confused.

Hand job? Don't answer. Think about it.

I went down there when it opened. I did a couple of laps, pulled over. The owner said, "no professionals." I said, "i'm not a professional." He said, "you're not a professional? You should be. Take up formula one. You'll be the best in the country." I said, "i'm not interested. I'm making shitloads in computers."

I was doing it once, bombing it round and some idiot had left a ramp thing out. People were going, "if that guy hits that ramp at that speed, he's definitely dead." I hit the ramp, turned over in the air. They were going, "he's definitely dead." Landed on my wheels and pulled over.

Those cats were fast as lightning.

- You said you saw him fight norris in "enter the dragon". He fights bob wall in both, but norris is only in "way of the dragon." - So he's fighting norris... - in what? - "Way of the dragon." - Correct.

It's in a book. He faked his own death to work undercover for the hong kong police infiltrating the triads.

He's done well there. - What do you mean? - She's tasty. She's nice. - You don't know her. - She's very attractive. She's not very attractive.

- Say your name. - Leroy. - Who's leroy? - The coloured fellow off "fame". - Use your own name. - Gareth.

- People are laughing at your heels. - I'm not going to wear those shoes! - And the earring? - They're having a go at that? What else?

- They've given you a nickname. - The swindon lot? - Everyone's using it. - What is it? - I don't really... - what is it? - Bluto. - The villain from popeye? - 'Cause of the beard? - Because he's... - what's that?