Kill The Alligator And Run

Homer · Simpson family:D'oh! [Screams] - [All] Ow! Ow! Ow! - Ow! Ow! Hmm!

Bart:Here's the mail, Dad. That'll be three dollars for on-couch delivery.

Homer · Bart:This isn't real money. It's printed by the Montana Militia. It'll be real soon enough.

Bart · Lisa:I'm betting it's hunger and rage. Yeah, but at what ratio?

Homer:My way is easier.

Homer:Ooh, quizmaster, yes. That would entertain me briefly.

Homer:That makes you a... Frigid Frieda. I took off 30 points for all that crying you did.

Homer · Flanders:No way! When? Six months ago. You were at the funeral. You fell into the grave.

Homer:Oh, yeah. I saw a gopher. What a day.

Grampa · Jasper:Oh, the little rat-faced one. No, no, no. Nick. He's so good to his mother.

Homer · Grampa · Jasper:According to this, you're both idiots. Hey, thanks. What do we owe you?

Marge · Homer:Homie, for God sakes, it's 2:00 a.m. Fine. I'll take the next quiz.

Homer · Marge:Marge, do you think that counts honey-braised? I don't know! I'm trying to sleep!

Homer:So according to this, I'll live to be- 42?

Homer:I won't even live to see my children die.

Homer:See? And these quizzes are never wrong, Marge. They're put together by the finest scientists in the magazine business.

Homer:Can't sleep. Gonna die. Can't sleep. Gonna die.

Robert Evans:I'm gonna kill you, Homer. You are so dead.

Robert Evans:Evans, you forgot Hollywood rule number one- kill Homer Simpson.

Homer:I'm not crazy. It's the TV that's crazy! Aren't you, TV?

Mr. Burns:So tell me, are all you government inspectors so handsome and strapping?

Homer:You got to hide me. Death is after me.

Mr. Burns:He's just a harmless maniac... here to remind us of the precious gift of sanity.

Homer:That's it. That's it. A mother can't die. And I'm a mother. See?

Bart:Sometimes. But the guy I really hate is your father.

Doctor · Homer:Because it's made of plastic. I see.

Homer:Florida? But that's America's wang.

Homer:My pockets hurt.

Marge:Oh, no! We came during spring break!

Marge:Take 'em off the glass! Take 'em off the glass!

Homer:Party! Whoo-hoo!

Unknown spring breaker:Jealous of your boobs

VJ Sepulveda:No! Not yet! I'm only 25!

Security/adult:Oh, no! It's a lost child! Don't worry, folks. I'll tackle him.

Tourist:Do you have any hobo chunks we can throw to him?

Female tourist:Oh, he can crawl up through my toilet any day.

Kid Rock:But this ain't no 40-ounce curb. So we're gonna need 40 gallons, y'all!

Crowd · Kid Rock crew:All for Homer. Hey, who's that fool? Yo, let's waste that beeyotch!

Joe C:No, sir. Please don't tell Mama.

Homer:Guess how many boobs I saw today, Marge? Fifteen!

Lisa:Doesn't he talk funny?

Bart · Homer:Dad, look out! - Look out for what - The giant gator - The giant- [Gasps, Screams]

Sheriff:You killed Captain Jack. You in a heap of trouble, son.

Marge · Sheriff:Did you really have to handcuff the children? No, ma'am, I did not.

Sheriff:You see, during spring break, the beer companies pay me to look the other way. The rest of the year, I'm a real hard-ass.

Sheriff:Whoa! Looks like we got a teeny Houdini here. Well, don't you worry, darlin'. I got some baby cuffs in the station.

Homer:It worked! It's a miracle!

Sheriff:Now why does that only happen when nobody's looking?

Marge · Homer:There's lots of good places! What about over there? No shade!

Marge · Homer:Homer, no. You'll kill us all. Or die trying.

Homer:The only thing we can do. Sit tight and try to get some sleep.

Homer:He said there's a procedure for dealing with events of this nature.

Homer:Oh! Okay. Now am I the only one on fire?

Homer:I love being married.

Homer:I just want to be a broom boy so bad.

Diner owner · Lisa:I like your attitude. You're hired. How about you, missy? Do you want to be a mop girl? Not really, no. I like your honesty. You're hired.

Diner owner:And you two haven't said a word. I like that. You're hired.

Diner owner:But I raised eight young-uns, three chilluns and a baby here.

Diner owner:You're insincere. I like that.

Velma:Well, I'm not one to judge. The way I see it, we're all sinners.

Velma:Stop that! Scat! Go on now! Just quit.

Bart:Teacher says I'm whittling at a 1 0th grade level.

Homer · Lisa · Marge:Someday, when Lisa and Bart get married, it'll all be theirs. Yuck! You mean when they marry other people. Okay, but I ain't payin' for two weddin's.

Velma:Hey, you're stealing my trailer! I like that.

Homer:Drunken hicks of the jury-

Homer:You know, you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.

Guard · Homer:No listenin'. You hear me? Uh, no.

Homer:What am I supposed to do?

Homer:Restock the possum bar. We're almost out of claws.

Homer:Restock the possum bar. We're almost out of claws.

Sheriff:Nah. Not on a civil servant's salary. It's near-sucker.

Sheriff:You should see it in August after the horseflies been getting at it. Hoo-man!

Sheriff:I might could switch you to dead animal pick up.

Marge · Lisa:Well, we're still welcome in North Dakota and Arizona. Arizona smells funny.

Homer · Marge:I've always wanted to see Mount Rushmore. That's South Dakota.