Guess Whos Coming To Criticize Dinner

Homer:D'oh! [Screams]

Principal Skinner:I hope you all enjoy your ride to... and tour of the Springfield Shopper newspaper. Groundskeeper Willie and I will stay behind... to remove all traces of asbestos and the word 'evolution' from our school.

Principal Skinner:Next stop, Margaritaville! Uh- Oh, they're still here. Yes.

Principal Skinner · Groundskeeper Willie:Come to think of it, I haven't seen Uter since the last field trip. [Chuckling] Uter? I don't remember any Uter. [Chuckling] Silly name. Uter.

Homer:Don't worry, sweetie. Daddy's got it covered. [Homer singing] I work hard for the money... Turn tape over!

Mr. Burns · Smithers:Now, there's an employee, Smithers. A smile on his lips and a song in his heart. Promote him.

Bart · Nelson:I spy with my little eye... something beginning with 'D.' Dingus! God bless you, Nelson Muntz. I'm no hero. I just like to hit people in the head.

Homer · Lisa:Hey, you [Beep]! You cut me off! Oh, yeah! [Beep] you! Dad! That's an ambulance! Oh, right. [Beep] ambulance! Think you're so big with your [Beep Beep] siren... and your letters on backwards!

Homer:Think you're so big with your [Beep Beep] siren and your letters on backwards!

Homer · Lisa:Here we are, kids. The zoo. Well, that's great, Dad. Except you were supposed to drive us to the newspaper.

Bart:If he's so smart, how come he's dead?

Tour Guide:Over the years, the Shopper merged... with the Springfield Times, Post, Globe, Herald, Jewish News and Hot Sex Weekly... to become Springfield's number-one newspaper.

Gil:Hi! Are you interested in a subscription to the Shopper? Low introductory rates! No, you gotta help ol' Gil. What's it gonna take to keep you on the phone? Dance for ya? But you wouldn't even see it. You- [Chuckling] All right. I'm dancin'!

Tour Guide:Who here reads Mary Worth? Let's move on.

Tour Guide · Ann Landers/Dear Abby:This is where we store Ann Landers and Dear Abby for their 23 hours of daily sleep. My advice is to free us or let us die!

Homer:Ooh! Pointless nostalgia!

Homer:I'd sure hate to be him. [Laughs, Groans]

Tour Guide · Lisa · Homer:And to protect Mother Earth... each copy contains a certain percentage of recycled paper. What percent is that? Zero! Zero's a percent.

Homer · Bart · Lisa:Hey, I smell cake. Cake that says- [Sniffs] 'Farewell' and- [Sniffs, Gasps] 'Best Wishes!' Your old man has an awesome nose. Oh, that's nothing. He can hear pudding.

Mimi (Food Critic):What can I say except thanks for the predictable champagne... pizza that's hardly numero uno... and ice cream cake which reminds us... why make 31 flavors when you can't get vanilla right?

Food Critic:pizza that's hardly numero uno and ice cream cake which reminds us why make 31 flavors when you can't get vanilla right?

Editor:I wouldn't want to be married to her. I mean, again.

Homer · Editor:Oh, I like food, all right. I like pizza, I like bagels, I like hot dogs with mustard and beer... I'll eat eggplant, I could even eat a baby deer... Who's that baby deer on the lawn there? Enough already!

Homer:No, it usually takes a few hours.

Homer:Thanks for the chance. You won't never regret this, Mr. Editing Guy.

Homer:We don't need no stinkin' 'E.'

Homer:'Food Box- Go or No Go, by Homer--' Earl- No! Bill Simpson!

Editor:Well, you keep using words like 'pasghetti' and 'momatoes.' You make numerous threatening references to the U.N. And at the end you repeat the words 'Screw Flanders'... over and over again.

Editor:You make numerous threatening references to the U.N. And at the end you repeat the words 'Screw Flanders' over and over again.

Homer:Oh, it's so hard to get to 500 words.

Homer:Still not clean. Stink of failure still on me.

Lisa · Homer:Well, we went to Pâté LaBelle last week. How about that? Great. Now, let me think. The food was- Mmm- not undelicious. The food is delicious. [Gasps] That's brilliant.

Lisa:Well, we went to Pâté LaBelle last week. How about that?

Homer · Lisa:Hmm. What's the English equivalent for [Groaning]? I'd say 'transcendent.' How about 'groin-grabbingly transcendent'?

Lisa · Homer:497, 498 words. How about 'Screw Flanders'? Bon appétit. Ehh, both's good.

Editor · Homer:Not bad! Not bad at all! We're gonna run this on page one... of section H-2. Whoo-hoo! Stop the presses! [Gasps] [Alarms Blaring] Okay, start the presses! That takes four hours. Whatever. I'll be at Moe's.

Homer · Marge · Maude · Other Characters:Marge. Shh. It's important that no one knows that I'm a food critic. Hear that, Maude? Homer's a critic. Homer's a critic. Pass it on.

Various Characters:Did you hear? Homer's a critic. Quit changing the subject! Where is Uter? We just want closure.

Parents:Quit changing the subject! Where is Uter? We just want closure.

Sea Captain:Arr! Here you are. One critic's special. If anything appears to be movin'... that's just freshness.

Marge:If you could just get somebody to pay you for scratching your butt, we'll be on easy street.

Lisa · Homer:Wah! My first published article! Although someone else's name is on it. Heh-heh. Welcome to the humiliating world of professional writing.

Planet Springfield Hostess:Welcome to Planet Springfield... the restaurant owned by me, Chuck Norris... Johnny Carson's third wife and the Russian mafia.

Homer · Lisa:[Gasps] There's the coffee mug from Heartbeeps! And there's the cane from Citizen Kane! Wait a minute. There was no cane in Citizen Kane.

Homer:And there's that awful script from The Cable Guy. Lemme see. Stupid script! Nearly wrecked Jim Carrey's career!

Carl:Hey, Homer! Great call on that chicken place. And on that rib place! I never knew everything was so good!

Mr. Burns:Yes, Simpson, your love of food is contagious. I've never felt jollier. [Cracking] Ooh. There go my shin bones again.

Homer · Editor:Are you gonna fire me for swiping office supplies? No. Whew! [Clacking]

Homer · TV Critic:Why, you- You made them cancel Platypus Man! And The Cosby Mysteries! That show had limitless possibilities!

Farm Supply Critic · Homer:Just got back from the gopher poison show in Paris. Let me tell you something- the days of clubbing them with a baseball bat are over! For you, perhaps.

Critic:Everything's a rave. 'Nine thumbs up'? What the hell is that?

Critic:The only bad review you gave was to a slice of pizza you found under the couch. It lost some points 'cause it had a Hot Wheel on it.

Farm Critic:We see 'John Deere has come out with this year's line of rototillers. Surprise, surprise- they're green! I say it's time to send John Deere a 'Dear John.''

Homer:Lord, thy daughters... Goneril, Regan and Cordelia. What is this, merry old England or Petticoat Junction?

Homer:This pea soup is as weak as the acting and nowhere near as hammy.

Homer · Lisa:The other critics told me to be mean. You should always give in to peer pressure. But what if someone bad tells me to- Always!

Homer:Oh, I got one! How do you make a King Lear? Put the queen in a bikini! Here's another one. 'Knock knock.' 'Who's there?' 'Juliet.' 'Juliet who?' Juliet so much pasta fazool, Romeo doesn't want her anymore!

Homer:Juliet so much pasta fazool, Romeo doesn't want her anymore!

Homer:Whoa, tough crowd. They're booing Shakespeare!

Homer · Luigi:Uh, not bad... if lasagna is Italian for 'pile of puke'! Aah! I chopp-a you good! Well, I hope you cut me better than you did these string beans. Hmm. I seem to be missing a piece of my ear. Touché.

Homer:Sorry, Marge. I'm afraid this gets my lowest rating ever- seven thumbs up.

Homer · Marge:Marge, I'm sorry, but your cooking's only got two moves- shake and bake. You like Shake 'n Bake! You used to put it in your coffee!

Marge · Homer:Oh, yeah? What's a palate? Oh, it's a... special time in a boy's life when- Gotta go!

Homer:So come to The Legless Frog... if you want to get sick and die and leave a big, garlicky corpse! P.S. Parking was ample.

Homer:People will think what I tell them to think when you tell me what to tell them to think.

Homer:Nobody talks to me that way! I'm Homer Simpson, the most powerful food critic in town... who will never get his comeuppance! You hear me? No comeuppance!

Homer · Santa's Little Helper:The food at the Gilded Truffle really, uh-What's a good word? [Sucking] Sucks! That's great! And the bread was really- Come on! Help me out here! Ruff!. Rough? I don't know. You've been pitchin' that all night.

Homer · Santa's Little Helper:Ruff! Rough? I don't know. You've been pitchin' that all night. Chewy? Chewy! That's inspired!

Editor · Homer:Homer, what gives with this review? You say 'the salad tastes like bark'... and the potatoes were very 'Grrrrr!' This reads like it was written by a dog. Are you crazy? A dog can't type. [Mutters] Unfortunately.

Editor · Homer:This reads like it was written by a dog. Are you crazy? A dog can't type. [Mutters] Unfortunately.

Editor:Astrology, Broom-Hilda, vacation horror stories... articles about Chronic Fatigue Syndrome- you know, chick crap.

Luigi:Homer, he's outta control-a. He gave me a bad-a review! So my friend put a horse head on his bed. He ate-a the head and gave it a bad review! True story.

Sea Captain:Arr, it covered up the 'D' from the health inspector.

Akira · Luigi:Are we restauranteurs, or are we murderers? Does that answer your question?

French Chef:This will be Homer Simpson's last lagniappe.

French Chef:Then he'll get his just dessert.

Luigi:Come on! You're gonna kill him with a pastry? I've seen this man eat a bowl of change.

French Chef:This éclair has over one million calories. Twenty-five pounds of butter per square inch. Covered with chocolate so dark... light cannot escape its surface.

French Chef:Death by chocolate. [Laughs] Oh. And poison. I'll stick in some poison.

Homer · Marge:Oh, Marge, something bad usually happens to me when I go in anywhere. [Whistling] D'oh! Ohh! [Grunting] A bat. Now, that's a new one.

Homer:Oh, Marge, something bad usually happens to me when I go in anywhere.

Sea Captain · Luigi:Lard ho! Arr, 'tis a good sign. Homer's unfastened the top button on his pants. Uh, no, he's been walking around like that since Thanksgiving.

Luigi · Sea Captain:I'm surprised he just doesn't give it up and go for sweat pants. He says the crotch wears out too fast. Yarrr! That's gonna replace the whale in my nightmares!

Sea Captain:Yarrr! That's gonna replace the whale in my nightmares!

Marge:[Sighs] Only your father could take a part-time job at a small-town paper... and wind up the target of international assassins.

Ned Flanders · French Chef:Ooh, that looks scrumdiddly-doodly-duddley- Get lost! A rude Frenchman? Well, I never!

Lisa · Homer:Dad, no! It's gonna kill you! Ehh, I've had a good run. [Grunting] Don't, uh- Um, it's low-fat! No!

Chief Wiggum · Lou:Take him into custardy, boys! Hah! Lou and his frittatas! [Laughing] Frittatas! Oh, he likes eggs.

Homer:Whew! That was close. Thank God it landed in that smoking crater!

Homer:Lisa, the important thing is I didn't get my comeuppance, and I never will

Lisa · Homer:Run! [All Shouting] [Elephants Trumpeting] [Homer Groaning, Whimpering] [Homer] I'm finally getting my comeuppanceI