Grift Of The Magi

Homer:D'oh! [Screams] - Get me down!

News Anchor:The ozone hole that devastated Brazil last summer is apparently wintering in Springfield. Whoo! Springfield rocks!

News Anchor:Experts recommend a class nine or Robin Williams level of hair coverage

Bart:Aw, the zoning disk is warped.

Bart:Look. You're Milhouse. Who wets their bed now, Milhouse?

Bart · Milhouse:You want to dress up like ladies? Uh, wouldn't that make us kind of fruity?

Bart:What's the matter? Scared you might like it?

Milhouse:Oh, wow. This really hides my thighs. [Purrs]

Bart · Milhouse:Sisters are doing it for themselves

Homer:What's going on? And I want a non gay explanation!

Bart · Homer:Uh, we're drunk. Really drunk. Oh, thank God!

Doctor · Homer · Marge:Now, I'm afraid your son has cracked his coccyx. [All Laughing] Sorry.

Doctor:Now, son, this is a teaching hospital which is why I equipped the seat of your cast with a viewing window.

Medical Students:Oh, my. Oh, now that's something. He should exercise more.

Principal Skinner:Technically, yes, but the building costs would be astronomical.

Fat Tony:Did I hear the word 'astronomical'? If so, my construction outfit, Valdazo Brothers Olive Oil, is poised to help.

Fat Tony:In order to avoid certain legal complications, the trucks are always rolling.

Skinner · Fat Tony:Good Lord. Do we really need all those ramps? Who's to say? Does a peacock need all those feathers?

Skinner · Fat Tony:Look. You're getting a little philosophical for me. I suppose so. They say it happens in the autumn years.

Principal Skinner:When people ask if we're in compliance with the Americans with Disabilities Act of 1975, I can say, 'We are closer than ever before!'

Bart:Don't need it anymore. Doctor says my butt bone's stronger than ever. Ta-da!

Principal Skinner:Well, at least we're prepared for the new millennium.

Principal Skinner:My God! The whole thing's made of breadsticks! And paint and shellac. It's all itemized in this bill.

Principal Skinner · Fat Tony:$200,000? Are you mad? I don't get mad. I get stabby.

Students · Principal Skinner:[All] Yea! Oh, you're cheering now. But someday you'll- Yea! I'm just gonna stop trying. Yea!

Crowd Member · Organizer:Where are the refreshments? You keep asking me that, and I keep telling you over there.

Citizen · Another Citizen:I've got a motor home I never use. Maybe we should raffle it off. Maybe you should shut up.

Barney · Moderator:We could try selling liquor. Uh, I'm doing great. Please, sir. Put some shoes on. What? You don't like my bags?

Homer:He releases the hounds on every charity that comes to his door. Feed the Children. Save the Whales. Even Release the Hounds.

Bart · Lisa:Too bad I'm an idiot 'cause my school closed. Oh, well. No! That's the rat poison! And freeze.

Ralph:I can't take Mr. Burns to the 'hospital' 'cause I'm too dumb to read a map.

Milhouse:Hello. I'm Dr. Stupid. I'm going to take out your liver bones. Oops. You're dead.

Homer:Hmm. Limón. Fuerte. Limón. Fuerte. Limón- ¡Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay! ¡Mi estómago!

Homer:Daytime TV is muy estúpido.

Principal Skinner:Valencia? These are juice oranges.

Jim Hope · Student:What are you passionate about, partner? Boogers. Boogers! That was great. You know, humor is a sign of intelligence.

Jim Hope:Hey, I'm here to make sure that you get a kick out of education. Hi-yah!

Bart:Check it out. I'm breaking books at a sixth grade level.

Bart · Milhouse:You know what our homework is? Find a toy and bring it to class. Boy, that sounds fun. I know. But I'm still not gonna do it.

Milhouse · Jim Hope:My busy box. It's got everything. Vroom, vroom, vroom! I'm calling Daddy. Good for you, not being bound by the recommended age.

Student:Its eyes should be telescopes. No. Periscopes. No. Microscopes! Can you come back to me?

Jim Hope:Now that's market research you can take to the bank- the money bank.

Jim Hope · Ralph:Fun? Ralph, there are no right or wrong answers but if you don't pipe down, I'm giving you an 'F.'

Bart · Lisa:Ha! The 'ironing' is delicious. The word is 'irony.' Huh?

Bart:Alls I know is I'm gettin' straight A's, and that ain't not bad.

Funzo:I see you. Give me a hug.

Ralph:Daddy, I'm ready to get out now. Over.

Chief Wiggum:Is this gonna be like one of those horror movies where we open the door and everything's normal and we think you're crazy, but then there really is a killer robot and the next morning you find me impaled on a weather vane? Is that what this is, Lisa?

Lisa:To be fair, not all evil robots are killers.

Chief Wiggum:Yeah, right, mop top. And I'm Ed Sullivan. 'Really big show.' No, no. I can do it better. 'Really big show. Really big.' That's it.

Krusty:So have a merry Christmas, happy Hanukkah, 'kwazy' Kwanzaa, a tip-top Tet, and a solemn, dignified Ramadan.

Announcer:If you don't have Funzo, you're nothin'.

Bart:But if you're gonna throw a spaz, I'll come with.

Gary Coleman:But the menu said 'galaxy of prawns.' Three prawns are hardly a galaxy. What do you mean your hands are tied? Let me talk to Mr. Quan.

Gary Coleman:Yes, Mr. President. I can be in Washington right away.

Gary Coleman:What you talkin' about, Miss Nagel? That is so adorable. You're rehired. Sucker! I knew exactly what she was talkin' about.

Executive · Lisa:Do you have any idea how much pressure we're under to come up with a new Furby or Tickle Me Elmo? And thanks to you, Funzo is the first doll designed by children for children, with all the profits going to children. Really? Yeah. Well, we're all somebody's children.

Bart · Funzo:Thanks, Funzo. You rock. All righty. [Dance]

Bart · Lisa:Yeah. Funzo makes playtime fun! You mean like Microsoft? Exactly.

Funzo:I have a flower for 'ou.

Executive:Wow. Only 22 seconds from muttering to door smash. That projects to a profit of... $370 million.

Trampled Person:Now why would you wear cleats to a store?

Homer:Now let's see. This'll make three Christmases I saved versus eight I ruined. Two were kind of a draw.

Homer:Writhing Funzos in my sack. Makes me happy. Makes me hurt my back.

Funzo:I'm very mad at 'ou. [Groans]

Gary Coleman:Looks like the biggest rip-off since Webster.

Gary Coleman · Lisa:Well, isn't it possible for an evil company to make people happy? Are you saying the end justifies the means? That's a very glib interpretation.

Narrator:And so, Gary Coleman and the Simpsons argued long into the night. And then, as day broke, the spirit of the season entered their hearts.

Gary Coleman · All:Let's just agree that the commercialization of Christmas is, at best, a mixed blessing. Amen.

Homer · Gary Coleman:Um, uh, Mr. Coleman, I've been thinking. Uh, my wife always makes too much stuffing and sweet 'potaters' and all. And- Oh, heck. Would you like to spend Christmas with us? No way. I'm having Christmas at George Clooney's house. All right. I'll come.

Narrator:As for old Mr. Burns, he was visited by three ghosts during the night and agreed to fund the school with some money he found in his tuxedo pants.

Moe · Gary Coleman · Everyone:Uh, listen. I kind of banged up that Jeep in the driveway. What you talkin' about, Moe? What you talkin' 'bout, everyone?