Pokey Mom

Homer:D'oh! [Screams]

Homer:My juice box! Ohh!

Marge:They're unveiling a combination apron-smock. It's called a 'smapron.'

Homer · Marge:Did you say 'smockron'? No, smapron.

Homer:Man, that was a good Apron Expo! I'm gonna wear my apron on the Fourth of July.

Homer:And this lead apron will keep me safe downstairs. [Chuckles] 'Grill Power.'

Homer:I'm a little disappointed. There were too many aprons.

Homer:But all I want to do right now is hit the adjustable sack with a good juice box.

Homer:Because when all is said and done- 'Prison rodeo... today'!

PA Announcer:The contestants you'll see today are actual prisoners... on a break from their telemarketing duties.

PA Announcer · Crowd:Well, don't feel too bad for him, folks. He's in here for erecting a nativity scene on city property. [All Boo]

Marge:There's so much evil in the world.

Warden:Bob Dylan wrote a song to keep him in prison.

Homer:Go, bull! Toss his salad!

Homer:And it looks like old Tornado wants to caramelize his crème brûlée!

Clown:Is my lipstick even? Go like this. [Popping]

Homer:That's not gonna do it, Marge. You need something red.

Homer:Now for a little calming blue.

Marge · Homer:Hey, where's your blue shirt? I don't have a blue shirt.

Homer:Maybe it's the tear gas. [Sniffles] Or maybe this was the best damn prison rodeo ever.

Homer · Marge:I can't complain. Nah, that's for the prisoners. You can complain all you want.

Homer:Oh, God, my back! It hurts so much! And my job is so unfulfilling!

Homer:And his fondness for the guitar.

Jack:They won't give us art supplies... so I had to paint it with pudding.

Comic Book Guy:He painted a unicorn in outer space. I'm asking you. What's it breathing?

Homer · Comic Book Guy · Homer:Air. Ain't no air in space. There's an air and space museum.

Homer:Let's get out of this gosh-forsaken heck-hole.

Bart:They are coming back for us, aren't they?

Homer:Well, there's a dull ache certainly. And overlaid on that is a club sandwich of pain. Only instead of bacon there's agony.

Homer:Marge, can I have a B.L.T?

Marge · Homer:How would you feel if I did some volunteer work at the prison? First, I'd feel like having a B.L.T. - then proud of you.

Guard:Ooh, art class. La-di-da.

Guard · Ike:This is Ike Pross. He's going to solitary. Ooh, solitary. La-di-da.

Marge:Welcome to 'Freeing the Artist Within.' Not literally, of course. [Giggling]

Marge · Inmates:But the prison cafeteria would only give me sauerkraut. [Inmates Groaning] That's depressing.

Marge · Inmates:Let's let a little sunshine in. [Inmates Groaning]

Prisoner · Inmates · Jack:Can I smell your dress? [All Laugh] Hey, you show some respect. This one here's not for smellin'.

Dr. Steve:Hey, can I smell your clothes?

Dr. Steve:Your spine is more twisted than Sinbad's take on marriage.

Dr. Steve:Oh, I'd love to. But to be honest... modern medicine has a lousy record of treating the back. We spend too much time on the front.

Homer:Yeah, there's some neat stuff on the front.

Dr. Steve:Well, that is our official stance. But between you, me and my golf clubs, they're miracle workers.

Marge · Sardonicus:There. See how much better that feels? Yes. Much better.

Jack:Well, if you really gotta know, I shot a guy named Apu.

Marge:Well, you know, lots of people shoot Apu. It's just a hundred-dollar fine now.

Jack · Marge:'A Time to Kill.' Titles are hard.

Homer:Huh? Less yakkin', more crackin'!

Dr. Steve:Now, Homer, we don't actually crack backs. It's merely an adjustment. Okay, you're gonna hear a loud cracking sound.

Dr. Steve:Now, I'll need to see you three times a week for, uh, many years.

Marge · Bart:Bart, Sideshow Bob says he'll be seeing you real soon. [Chuckles] That Bob!

Marge:I might grease the wheels of justice with some cookies.

Marge · Homer:Not till you finish your sundae. Ohh! [Gulps, Gasps] Is that enough? Two more bites!

Someone:But I've seen this warden turn down brownies- honest to goodness brownies!

Marge:someone with his talent... belongs on a boardwalk doing caricatures, not behind bars.

Jack:Actually he was. He waited with me till the ambulance came then ran like a deer.

Jack · Marge:Now, which way is Mecca? 'Cause I gotta do a little prayin'. Uh, Mecca? Well, let- Nah! [Laughing] I'm just yanking your chain! [Laughing] I'm Jewish.

Homer:Not trash can, Son- Dr. Homer's Miracle Spine-O-Cylinder! Patent pending.

Homer:perfectly match the contours of the human 'vertebrains.'

Homer:You brought a convict to live here near my unpatented idea?

Jack:I seen your idea, and I don't want it. All I need is three squares and a job.

Patient · Homer:So, Homer, you think you can fix my sciatica? Hmm. I don't know what that is, so I'm gonna say yes.

Homer · Patient:Now go limp. I'm limp. One, two, better not sue.

Patient:My searing leg pain is now a gentle numbness.

Homer:Boy, talk about irony. The A.M.A. Tries to drive you guys out of business. Now you're doing the same to me! Think about the irony.

Homer:Not unless you think about the irony!

Marge:It's a small liberal arts college. Very law-abiding. No convicts at all.

Skinner:Ew! How could anyone consider that making love?

Jack:Actually, Marge, it's the third if you count that farm couple.

Bart:That is awesome. Finally, art that doesn't suck.

Jack · Skinner:Yeah. You see, I didn't want to go so cutesy-wootsy. Because- Because it's not my style.

Skinner:Don't forget I can send you back where you came from, college boy.

Jack:Listen, if you're done with that washing machine, can I make some booze in it?

Moe:Now I can focus on my crippling emotional pain. Oh, Daddy, Daddy, why? Why won't you hug me? You hugged the mailman!

Homer:Ah, you saw our bus ad.

Moe:Forget it, Homer. It's Chiro-town.

Skinner:I almost thought he said a school Muriel. [Laughs] Muriel's his sister.

Someone:Oh, thank you, Bruce Vilanch. Whoopi would've made it work.

Chalmers:No napkin could wipe the crumbs of failure from your mouth!

Marge:But years from now, people will point to these cuddly little creatures and say... 'That's a Jack Crowley.'

Chalmers:That's what you said about the stuffed peppers, and you lost the young males!

Skinner:Dear Lord, I've peed in front of him!

Wiggum:were it not stuffed with asbestos.

Jack:And you can't believe the foul language in that place.

Lou · Wiggum:We don't have time for guessing games! Nah, let's try it. It might be fun.

Skinner:Catch the fever, Skinner! [Cackling]

Jack:Marge, this is the God's truth. I burned the mural. But I did not burn Skinner's car.

Cop · Jack:Uh, i-is prison really like that? Wouldn't know. We only get basic cable.

Cop:Yeah, I also like that Sex in the City. Huh! None of those girls look like my wife. [Laughing]

Jack:A lot of guys in prison say they're gay, but I don't know. They look strong to me.