Worst Episode Ever

Bart · Marge:Mmm, good pancakes, Mom. Well, thank you, honey. They come in a squeeze bottle now.

Homer:[Flatulence Sound] Whoo! [Clears Throat] I better put on the silencer. [Silenced Blasts]

Marge · Homer:How long has this baking soda been in here? I don't know. It came with the house.

Homer:The absorbed odors of a million meals. Oh, so many flavors! All those tasty memories flooding back.

Bart:Uh-oh. Dad's having an antacid trip. And I won 50 bucks.

Milhouse · Bart:My doctor says I'm not supposed to go on sprees. What about jags? Jags are fine. Wonderful.

Store clerk · Bart:Our wide variety of gum comes in both stick and ball. I'm not really about gum. But I like the whole chewing thing.

Milhouse:My mom doesn't believe in fabric softener. But she's not around!

Comic Book Guy:It is in perma-mint condition. If you spill soda on it, the drops fly off harmlessly onto lesser comics.

Comic Book Guy:Film reel labeled 'Alternate Ending: Luke's Father is Chewbacca'

Bart · Milhouse · Woman:Don't do it, lady! That stuff's worth thousands! Yeah! He's ripping you off! Well, if this is valuable, then back to the leaky basement it goes!

Homer:Son, I know it hurts. I still remember my first lifetime banning.

Gallagher · Young Homer:And you are banned for life from all of my performances and TV specials! But I can still see your movies, right? [Groans]

Homer:Hello. I'm Shaquille O'Neal.

Tom Savini:Sorry, I had a really big dinner. Whoo! Dinner! But I'm sure one more french fry wouldn't hurt.

Comic Book Guy:Oh, please. I saw Paul Lynde do that same hackneyed trick on Bewitched.

Comic Book Guy:To the gag, I will give a D-plus. As for the workmanship on the hand, it- Oh. [Groaning]

Comic Book Guy:Stop your laughing! You're all banned! Banned I tell you!

Comic Book Guy:Can't go on describing symptoms much longer. [Groans]

Comic Book Guy:Can't go on describing symptoms much longer.

Doctor · Comic Book Guy:Young man, you've had what we call a 'cardiac episode.' Worst episode ever.

Doctor:I'm just kidding. But you would be dead.

Doctor:Oh, dear Lord! We call that profession 'the widow-maker!' Or we would if any of the proprietors were married.

Comic Book Guy · Doctor:Well, the Super Friends. Well, you should get some friends who aren't printed on paper. What? You mean action figures?

Comic Book Guy:Two 10-year-olds running my store? I mean-Wait. What is this? Bizarro World?

Bart · Milhouse:A carton of malted milk balls, one box confectioner's sugar, a can of chocolate frosting- That's just his shopping list. No. It's his instructions.

Bart · Kid:Uh-uh. You gotta be 40 inches tall for the adult section. Please? Okay. But get on your tippie toes.

Bart:Mark down the Poochie crap. Then unstick all the Supergirls.

Moe:Get out and take your Sacajawea dollars with ya. I'll give you till three. One- [Body Thuds]

Moe:Hey, Homer, who's the manatee?

Comic Book Guy · Moe:Very well. I will have a shot of cranberry schnapps. [Chuckles] Uh, these, they're just painted on there.

Comic Book Guy · Barflies:Beer is the nectar of the nitwit. Hey, you knockin' beer? Nobody bad-mouths Duff! Ah, a piece a crap.

Barfly:Oh, now he's ragging on air conditioners. Hey, they keep us cool in the summer, pal.

Comic Book Guy:If I wanted to hear mindless droning, I'd befriend an air conditioner.

Comic Book Guy · Himself:Is there a word in Klingon for 'loneliness.' Ah, yes. Garl dack!

Eric Reynolds:Tough break, toots. I need a man who answers to no one. A full manager. Hotchie-machie.

Bart · Eric Reynolds:A superhero with glasses! Oh, yeah. Thick glasses. Kinda like yours.

Eric Reynolds · Bart:So how many you need- 500, 600? 600 sounds good. Aw, that's too bad. There's a price break at a thousand. Oh, man! I'll take 2,000.

Comic Book Guy · Agnes:Well, pardon me, Oldie Hawn. Why, you ill-mannered sack of crap! Oh, goody. Now I know whatever happened to Baby Jane.

Comic Book Guy:Oh, goody. Now I know whatever happened to Baby Jane.

Comic Book Guy:Biclops? Who's his girlfriend, Lois Lame?

Milhouse:How could you spend all our money on a comic book published by LensCrafters?

Milhouse:Birds won't even use them in their nests.

Bart · Milhouse:Oh, look. You're getting cranky. You haven't had your juice. Well, my straw broke off in the carton.

Milhouse · Bart:I have feelings! I'm a human boy, just like you! It's a vacuum cleaner, Milhouse. Whatever!

Bart · Milhouse:Alien Autopsy. Illegal Alien Autopsy. Godfather III: Good Version.

Comic Book Guy · Agnes:Good Lord, Mother! I can see your... figure. Oh, you see a lot more when you do my daily mole check.

Ned Flanders · Lisa:Well, in that case, my neighbor Homer released a radioactive ape in my house. It's taken over the whole top floor. It wasn't Dad's fault. The ape tricked him.

Mister Rogers:[Drunkenly] Well, what do you mean I can't take off my sweater? I'm hot!

Comic Book Guy:Her sneer just lights up my day. And we're always finishing each other's insults.

Agnes:Sunsets. Thank God there's only one of these a day. Could it be any more orange?

Narrator · Crowd:Springfield will be bombed at will by all friendly nations to calibrate their missiles. [All] Yea!

Narrator · Cameraman:Now for total security, I will terminate the cameraman. - [Groans] Thanks a lot, Steve!

Bart:No, sir. We were just exhibiting them for profit without permission.

Chief Wiggum · Lou:But the owner is in more hot water than- A Japanese tea bag? Why don't you lay off the Asians, Lou?

Agnes:Nobody'll buy those. Your store smells. Now kiss me, funny face.

Lou:But we'll reduce the sentence if you put your pants on... fast!

Comic Book Guy · Agnes:Will you wait for me? Are you crazy? My bones are half dust.

Homer:Look, if you want me to turn, just point. Ow! It's one way! Ow! Now what was that for? Ow! Ow! Ow!