The Old Man And The Key

Homer:Homer crashes the car during opening sequence - D'oh! (SCREAMS) (BRAKES SCREECHING)

Homer:Not now, Marge. I'm waiting for the new XFL season! / The 'X' is for 'Extreme.'

Marge · Homer:There is no XFL this year. The league folded. / (EXCLAIMS) Who told you? / Last year's MVP. He sweeps up toenails at the beauty parlor.

Marge:Last year's MVP. He sweeps up toenails at the beauty parlor.

Automated Voice:Your parent... Abraham Simpson... is dead. / Complications of a medical nature. The nursing home was not responsible.

Homer:And he never even lived to be a vegetable.

Homer:Sure, I said I loved him, but never that I was in love with him.

Abe · Simpson family:What's got into you punks? / The home told us you were dead. / Me? I ain't dead. It was Stamson down the hall.

Abe:So much for Mr. I Can Button My Own Shirt.

Abe:Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll call you or send you some fruit.

Zelda:Hi. I'm Zelda. I put the 'ass' in assisted living.

Abe:Abe Simpson's the name, and now that you're here, I'm changing my instructions to 'do resuscitate.'

Elderly woman:Hey, who's the tall drink of Maalox?

Elderly resident:Eh, that's Zack. He's as smooth as a 50-year-old behind.

Zack · Elderly women:It's got a wheelchair lift. (ALL EXCLAIM) (ALL BREATHING HEAVILY)

Abe:Is this the Dairy Queen? (MOANING)

Abe:But Zelda, if you're looking for something with a big backseat and a lot of gas, I'm your man.

Abe:You've never heard Garrison Keillor till you've heard him through five speakers.

Bart · Abe:You sunk my Scrabbleship. / This game makes no sense. / Tell that to the good men who just lost their lives. Semper Fi.

Homer:That was a DWI!

Lisa:Statistics show that old people drive at least as well as sleep-deprived apes.

Homer · Abe:Dad, get up. / No, I'm dead. / Dead! / Dead, dead, dead, dead, dead!

Abe · Homer:Woo-hoo! And I want driving gloves. / No way! / Dead, dead, dead, dead!

Elderly driving students:Leo, slow down. That looks like a nice place to eat. / Carla's daughter works in that building.

Lou:You know, it's kind of ironic. These old people are being kept alive by the organs of the young people they ran over.

Abe:That's my seeing eye. The right one's my winking eye.

Patty · Abe:I'll give you your license if you never do that again. / Oh, everything's the last time I do everything.

Homer:Oh, no. I'm not giving you my car. You'd probably drive it.

Abe:Wow, a booth. If I'm tired, I can just lie down.

Teen · Teen:This is the best party of my life. / Bro, you tapped the septic tank.

Abe:Movies were better in our day. For a nickel you got two movies, a cartoon, a bag of popcorn and a whipping. Kept your mind on your business.

Zelda · Abe:Save your breath. Seriously. / Well, I gotta do something before the Viagra kicks in.

Lisa · Abe:Hey, I've earned their trust. / Oh! Everybody trusts Lisa. Precious little Lisa. Apple of her daddy's eye.

Abe · Homer · Marge:She's no hoochie. Her name is Zelda and she understands me. / Grampa, I gotta tell you, she's a stone-cold hoochie. / Straight up, Marge. That hoochie only likes you because you can drive.

Marge · Homer:He is your dad. / Cosmic.

Customer · Apu · Customer:I'll take one, Achu. / No, not 'chu,' 'pu.' / I got troubles with both.

Elderly customer:Finally the shakes are working for me.

Tough guy:Your scrapings have landed on my jacket from Planet Hollywood, Orlando.

Tough guy:I should cut you like I cut sodium out of my diet.

Gang members:Los Souvenir Jacquitos!

Abe · Bystander:Some sort of death race? / That's what I would do.

Gang member · Abe:What are you scared of, old man? / Everything. Dogs, Dutchmen, the gathering darkness.

Gang member · Gang member:When I yank down my girlfriend's tube top, the race will begin. / What? I'm just trying to bring you into my world.

Gang member:I would rather die than have people not know what stores I have been to.

Abe:We're the baddest punks in our age bracket!

Abe:My beard. I broke my beard.

Zelda:I've booked us a room for the weekend in Branson, Missouri. The Gritz Carlton Hotel.

Zelda:I'll always think of you as my friend without a car.

Zack:Zelda, I'm gonna make you forget about your grandchildren.

Abe:And if I go to prison, I'll get better food and more hugs.

Radio Announcer:It's The Itchy and Scratchy Hour, presented by Hansen's Moustache Wax, the moustache wax Hitler doesn't use.

Abe · Bart:During the war, Eleanor Roosevelt was the voice of Scratchy. / The lady knows funny.

Homer:Oh, sure, when he does something bad, he's my father.

Abe:These are hobo signs. They're to tell other hobos if a place is friendly or not. That one means good vittles. Sexy daughter. Mass hobo grave in cellar.

Local · Abe · Local:No, pally. This is Bronson, Missouri. / Well, how do we get to Branson? / Number 10 bus.

Local · Ma · Local:Hey, Ma, how about some cookies? / No dice. / This ain't over.

Branson performers:Was it drugs or a car crash Or facelift gone wrong? No, they're right here in Branson And singing this song

Abe · Tennessee Ernie Ford:Tennessee Ernie Ford? Now, I know you're dead. / No. You just think I'm dead. / No, you're dead. I was your biggest fan. Look, I clipped your obituary.

Marge · Lisa · Marge · Lisa:Oh, no, there's gambling. We just have to find it! / Look, Mom, it's your car. / Bet you they're not. Three to one. How much you got? / Mom, you're hurting me.

Bart:It's Captain Bringdown and The Buzzkillers.

Abe · Audience:Nobody dumps Abe Simpson. You're nothing but a hoochie. / (CHANTING) Hoochie, hoochie, hoochie!

Abe · Homer:Son, can you forgive an old fool? / Only in public.

Russian performer:In Russia, stage is for performers only.