Tales From The Public Domain

Homer:Overdue book? This is the biggest frame-up since O.J.

Homer:Wait a minute. Blood in the Bronco, the cuts on his hands, those Jay Leno monologues! Oh, my God! He did it!

Homer:I checked that out when Bart was born. I was gonna read to him every day. What happened? Stuff kept coming up. Mostly car-related. Piece of crap.

Homer:I decide who reads and when!

Homer:Homer's Odyssey. Is this about that minivan I rented once?

Homer:That minivan had the biggest cup holders. And change slots for every coin, from penny to quarter.

Lisa:Dad, I loved it, too, but it was seven years ago.

Flanders:Hi, odiddily-Odysseus!

Homer as Odysseus · Flanders:I think I speak for all the Greeks when I say this war has gone on for too long. I'll say. I'd really like to go out and get the mail.

Homer as Odysseus · Flanders:Anyway, over torture, one of your soldiers mentioned that you collect giant wooden animals. We hope you don't have a horse. Well, I don't have one from you. Bring it in!

Homer as Odysseus:Now throughout history, when people get wood, they'll think of Trojans.

Lisa · Homer:What are you laughing at, Dad? If I'm laughing at what I think I am, it's very funny.

Homer as Odysseus:Aw, look at them. Sleeping like little angels.

Homer as Odysseus:Remember, just 'cause their heads are off, it don't mean they're dead.

Homer as Odysseus:Forget it! Sacrificing animals is barbaric. Now have the slaves kill the wounded.

Zeus · Poseidon:You fat lush. You just destroyed Atlantis. You used to be fun.

Poseidon · Zeus:Where's the Zeus who used to turn into a cow and pick up chicks? He grew up. Maybe you should, too.

Homer as Odysseus:Greece is the word.

Homer as Odysseus · Soldier:Is it 'vase' or 'vase'? You gonna be asking that the whole trip?

Homer as Odysseus:Gentlemen, I must be wasted, 'cause it looks like that cloud is mad at me.

Sirens · Homer as Odysseus:On the island Island of Sirens Our hot sex Will leave you perspiring Hey, that's kind of catchy.

Homer as Odysseus · Sailor:It's coming from that island. Let's steer heedlessly towards it. Heedlessly it is.

Homer as Odysseus · Sirens:Boy, if they kiss as good as they lure, wow! On the island We'll sex you up

Homer as Odysseus:Oh, God! They're hideous! Someone gouge my eyes! Save me from the ladies!

Disco Stu:Discus Stu has ouzo for twozo.

Penelope · Disco Stu:I'll leave you guys alone. Discus Stu was talking to you.

Bugs Bunny:Ain't I a stinker?

Homer as Odysseus:Boy, who decided to give every weirdo an island?

Homer as Odysseus:Well, I was in the mood for something bubbling. Out of the way, slim.

Homer as Odysseus · Lenny-pig:That pig looks like Lenny. Hey! Mmm. That's the next best thing to eating Lenny.

Homer as Odysseus · Circe:Those were my friends? Yes. I've been saying that for hours. That's it! I'm going home!

Circe · Singer:You must go through Hades, crossing the River Styx. You're my lady Of the morning

Homer as Odysseus:Oh, this truly is hell!

Suitor:When we came here, Helen of Troy was hot! Now look at her! This is the face that launched a thousand ships, the other way.

Homer as Odysseus:Oh, I'm sorry I was gone so long, but I'm gonna do something I haven't done for 20 years. Take out the trash!

Homer as Odysseus · Marge as Penelope:Sweet Penelope, you're just as beautiful as you were when I left. Oh, I can't stay mad at you.

Marge as Penelope · Homer as Odysseus:Brave Odysseus, it's been 20 long years. Regale me with tales of your adventures. Quit suffocating me. I'm going to Moe's.

Grandpa · Lisa:Ooh! Did you say Joan Van Ark? No, Mom. Joan of Arc. It's never Joan Van Ark.

Homer:This one takes place in a make-believe kingdom called France.

Homer:The French were fighting the English in the Hundred Years' War, which was then called Operation Speedy Resolution.

Bart:She's talking to her invisible friend. God.

God · Lisa as Joan:I have chosen you to lead the French army to victory over the English invaders. But I'm just a little girl. I know. I have three eyes. Now get cracking.

French General:Victory? We're French! We don't even have a word for it!

Bart · Lisa as Joan:Joan, give me your dessert. That's just you, Bart. Joan, give me your dessert! Yes, sir.

Bart:That's going straight to my five thighs.

French Soldiers:Huh? No, un. You know, French for 'one.' Well, you keep switching back between French and English. Just fire the damn thing.

French Soldier:My fault this time. I didn't tuck in my legs.

Lisa as Joan:With modern ideas, like putting bigger, harder people in the catapult. Or, how about rocks?

Lou · Eddie:Shouldn't we help her? Yeah, right behind you, Lou.

British Officer:Hello, hello, hello. What's all this then? It's a little bird with a knife, isn't it? What a thing to happen!

Lisa as Joan:You are the true dauphin. You had this impostor try to fool me to see if I was truly sent by God.

King:Bravo, Joan of Arc. You are as brainsome as you are toothsome.

Quimby:Vibrate for me, footstool.

Lisa as Joan:Uh, God says we should just be friends.

Jester:I wouldn't say King Milhouse is a loser, but that's the 12th girl he's struck out with this week!

French Soldier:Their concept of individual rights could undermine the power of our beloved tyrants!

Lisa as Joan · English Soldier:I want my mommy! I captured a wee girl! I'm the greatest hero in English history!

English Judge:Wait a minute, you two-timing spot of light. You told me to lead the English to victory!

God:Well, I never thought the two of you would be in the same room, actually. This is a little embarrassing. Goodbye now.

Angry Crowd:Burn this guy! He lost a good bucket!

Lisa as Joan:Huh. Getting kind of hot around here.

Homer:Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc. They got married and lived in a spaceship. The end.

Lisa:Well, that's easier to chew than that Bambi video.

Bart:Steven Bochco could kick Shakespeare's ass!

Bart · Homer:Cool. Does he get to marry his mom? I don't know, but that would be hot.

Bart as Hamlet · Homer's Ghost:Looks like you've returned from the buffet. Why, you little... D'oh!

Marge as Gertrude:Yeah, that was quite a weekend.

Homer's Ghost:It's cold outside. You'll need a sweater. A sweater!

Comedian:And if your idea of a first date is burning down her village, you just might be a Viking!

Moe as Claudius:Note to self. Kill that kid.

Moe as Claudius · Audience Member:Hey, do you have diarrhea? I have diarrhea. Sit down!

Moe as Claudius:I didn't use that much poi, son, at the royal luau.

Lisa as Ophelia:Well nobody out-crazies Ophelia. Hey, nonny nonny, with a hoo and a haw, and a nonny nonny hey!

Chief Wiggum as Polonius:I hide behind curtains 'cause I have a fear of getting stabbed.

Chief Wiggum as Polonius · Ralph as Laertes:I need you to avenge my death. I like revenging!

Lenny · Carl:If Hamlet touches either of us, he's dead. Booyah!

Moe as Claudius:Boy, did I bet on the wrong horse.

Moe as Claudius:You sure you don't want a nice piece of fish, or to finger the drapes a little?

Moe as Claudius:Remember me as a peacemaker.

Bart as Hamlet:No way I'm cleaning up this mess.

Homer:Son, it's not only a great play, but also became a great movie called Ghostbusters.