Bart Vs Lisa Vs The Third Grade

Homer · Marge:Oh, I hate reality shows. / A year ago, you said they were the greatest thing that ever happened to us. / I've grown. You haven't.

TV Host · Kevin:So, Kevin, I hear you collect amusing postcards. / Uh, yeah, it all started when... / Touch the stove. - Aah!

Homer:I can't take any more of these shows. If I wanted reality, I'd finally have this lump looked at.

Marge · Homer:Networks love reality shows because they don't have to pay writers or actors. / Stupid writers and actors, priced yourselves right out of the business. Nice going, geniuses.

Homer · Marge:Let's get one of those satellite dishes. Then we can stop suckling on the six-network teat. / Get back, honky cat. Those systems are too expensive.

Homer:Come on, kids. Daddy knows a way to get some money with no risk. / [Cut to] And the winner by a nose is No Risk. Woo-hoo!

Installer · Homer:Can you be home from 8 a.m. Monday morning through June? / No problem.

Ned · Homer:Boy, that's jim-dandy roof candy. / I'd love to come over and watch that Church Channel. / I bet you would. / Oh, you'd win that bet.

Ned:I'm spending all my money on religious pay-per-view. Or as I like to call it, 'pray-per-view.'

Homer:Damn your sparkling wordplay. And bless your humble home.

Homer:Oh, it's red wire to red wire. What idiot dreamed that up? / And the Lord said, 'Let there be crap.'

Bart · Homer:Cool. It's the NBC News feed. / Mm, feed.

News Anchor:We'll be right back with a special report on soccer moms who hate soccer.

News Anchor:Oh, Lord, I'm so fat, aah. [VOMITING]

Japanese Chandler:Do you like my new shirt? It says, 'Reggae Hairstyle Rock 'r Roll.' Could I be more Japanese?

Japanese Joey:You are the emperor of last year. Your comeback shames me.

Announcer · Bart:Coming up on The Clock Channel: 6:00. / Wait a minute, I saw this one.

Bart · Lisa · Homer:Hey, I don't have to study on the weekend. / It's Wednesday night. / Kids, kids, you're both right.

TV Host:We're back with Who Wants to Marry an Internet Billionaire? Uh, no, millionaire. Oh, well, now he's broke.

Marge · Homer:I made a pie. / Put pie here. / Would you like some ice cream with that? / Me not pig.

TV Announcer:We now return to Robo Trouble. Oh, I'm sorry. I mean, Robot Rumble.

Robot 1 · Robot 2:Why are we fighting each other? Together we can defeat the humans and rule the Earth. / I agree. / Sucker.

Homer:Homicidal robots. So like us.

Lisa · Bart:Bart, the test is in two hours and you haven't slept in a fortnight. / What's a fortnight? / You should know. It's on the test.

Mrs. Krabappel:No pressure, children. These test results will follow you for the rest of your life and beyond the grave.

Bart:This test is boring. What else is on?

Lisa:It's finally happened, Bart. You've lost your mind.

Skinner:Now, let's raise the roof for the bland informative rap of M.C. Safety and the Caution Crew.

M.C. Safety:I say a crosswalk, a cross-ity walk / And don't stop crossing / Till you're on the next block / First you look both ways / Then you walk not run / Obeying safety rules is acceptable fun

Bart:Watch out, Beatles.

Bart:She's not so great. She got diarrhea when we went to Carlsbad Caverns.

Bart · Lisa:What? I gotta be in the same class as her? / What? I gotta be in the same class as him?

Homer:Hmm? They're gonna be in the same class as each other?

Homer:An old Army buddy is visiting Mannix?

Third Grade Teacher:Lisa comes to us from Miss Hoover, while Bart was taught by Mrs. Krabappel. Slut.

Teacher · Bart · Lisa:A rooster sits on a roof facing north. It lays an egg. Which way does it roll? / Okay, the sun rises in the east, so the rooster would probably wanna lay it on the cool side... / Roosters don't lay eggs. They're boys.

Teacher · Nelson:Young man, you're not in this class. What are you doing here? / Laughing at jerks.

Bart:Quiet nerds burp only near school. / Dogs eat barf solely on Wednesday, Mabel.

Bart:Bart: 'Dogs eat barf solely on Wednesday, Mabel.'

Bart:Bart: 'Canada's governors general: Clowns love haircuts, so should Lee Marvirs valet.'

Lisa · Bart:What's this weird mark next to my A? / That's an A-minus. / Mm, minus?

Lisa · Bart:You did better than me? / Eh, I took this test last year. The answer key never changes. B-C-B-C-A-A-B-B-C-C-D. False. False. True. William Jennings Bryan.

Teacher · Lisa:Young lady, in the third grade, we don't care for tattletales. / And we don't care for moaners either. / Sobbing only pushes Bart's grade higher.

Marge:Kids, look what I got you for your third-grade field trip. Matching fanny packs. Now your fannies match.

Teacher:Saying your buddy's name out loud is a security risk.

Bart · Lisa · Various Kids:Punch buggy red, un. / Punch buggy white, un. / What's punch buggy? / When you see a Volkswagen Bug, you punch somebody and yell the color.

Boy · Another Boy:Punch buggy taupe. / Oh, that really hurt.

Tour Guide:Now, children, if you look up at the capitol dome, you'll see a mural of our state bird, the pot-bellied sparrow, eating our state pasta, bowtie.

Bart · Tour Guide:The Capital City Goofball? / That's right. To win, he spent 80 million from his own pocket.

Bart:Homework on a field trip? What have you been huffing?

Lisa:He thinks he's really cool. But frankly, the other kids are starting to wake up and smell the cooties.

Bart:When I get through with that flag, it's gonna be a Bart-mangled banner.

Governor:That was my worst unfurling ever.

Teacher · Nelson:You weren't on this field trip. How did you get here? / Biked.

Teacher · Otto:Ah, the buddy system, foolproof. / Floor it, Otto.

Nelson · Lisa:Ha, ha, they left without you. / They left without you too, you idiot.

Bart:We'll just circle around like those kids in The Blair Witch Project.

Bart · Lisa:It's called, Lisa is Stupid. / You die now.

Principal Skinner:Principal Skinner: 'There, there, Audrey. It's happened to all of us.' [about losing students]

Willie:Why is it always the kids with the long names?

Skinner · Homer:A parent who waives the right to sue says what? / What? / Got it.

Homer:We're from the Learn to Fart state.

Skinner · Homer:Lisa's a very special little girl. And we'll spare no expense in finding her. / What about Bart? / We're looking.

Bart:Well, as far as nerdy little sisters go, you're the coolest.

Bart:One day, I was really bored and Dad had left a steamroller idling in the driveway...

Marge · Homer:Aah! The plastic casing from the tip of Bart's shoelace. / A mother knows.

Mountain Man:That's how Grandpappy wound up in these parts. They was taking us to Capital City to see The Nutcracker. And I wandered away from the group, married a bear and I started up my family.

Mountain Woman · Mountain Man:I told you, I ain't a bear. / Roar, roar, roar. / No one understands you, She-Bear.

Mountain Man · Bart:We were going there anyway to pick up the new Spy magazine. / I'm sorry, they don't publish that anymore. / The world I grewed up in is gone.

Marge:And, Maggie, you no longer have to live with the burden of replacing Bart and Lisa.

Skinner:If this episode has taught us anything, it's that nothing works better than the status quo.

Bart:That's just sad.