The Great Louse Detective

Homer:Three minutes, 40 seconds... a new personal best.

Homer · Marge:No one will ever know. / Mail call.

Homer:The 'George Foreman Mail Sorter' will let us know.

Marge:It's where J-Lo hit P. Diddy upside the head with Gary Coleman.

TV Announcer:Our attendants can take 10 years off your face... and stick it in your boobs.

TV Announcer:It's also for vain, effeminate men.

Homer · Kent:Kent Brockman? / Well, if you find this shocking, look at Tom Brokaw.

Kent:Truly, that was the greatest regeneration.

Bart:This place blows. I'm gonna go float a Baby Ruth down a mineral bath.

Spa Worker · Bart · Lisa:Do you like Dr. Seuss? / No. / Then you'll love Dr. Mas-Seuss.

Dr. Mas-Seuss:Bad posture has floobled and snozzled your neck.

Marge:It just shows you God has a plan for every creature.

Homer:[AS JOHNNY CARSON] The American taxpayer!

Marge:Oh, my God. A naked celebrity. Be cool. Don't stare at his famous wang.

Celebrity:Go ahead, look. The whole world already saw it in Nudist Camp Commandant. 'I wore nothing!'

Homer:Do not use steam room if you are overweight or have a heart condition. [GULPS] Wait a minute. I'm not wearing a shirt.

Paramedic · Homer:Who ordered the steamed gentile? / Mm, steamed gentile.

Chief Wiggum · Homer:Now, Mr. Simpson, is it possible you're living a double... or triple life that your wife doesn't know about? / Triple? No. Definitely no.

Chief Wiggum · Lou:Where on my badge does it say anything about protecting people? / Uh, second word, chief.

Chief Wiggum:Thanks, Princeton Pete.

Homer · Chief Wiggum:Paris? / No. No, not Paris. I'm never gonna go to Paris.

Chief Wiggum · Decapitating Harry:Each one crazier than the last. Uh, come to think of it... he should be there and this guy, he should be over there. / Wait. You're saying he's crazier than I am? / That's exactly what I'm saying, Decapitating Harry.

Marge · Homer · Lisa:It beats Disney's California Adventure. / Oh, yeah. / Yeah, that's true.

Computer · Chief Wiggum:Access denied. / Oh, fine. I gotta use a fork.

Sideshow Bob · Bart · Lisa:Hello, Bart. / Aah! Sideshow Bob! / Oh, come now. We've been through so much together. Just call me Bob. / Aah! Bob!

Chief Wiggum · Sideshow Bob:This year, I think it's Man of La Mancha. Yeah. Don Quixote, Sancho Panza... Dr. Carrasco, you know, they're all great parts. / Ugh, what a great show. I wish it was today.

Marge:Then you might as well stay with us. We serve the same meat the prisons do.

Bart:This man has tried to kill me so much, it's not funny.

Bart · Homer:Dad, I can't believe you're putting my life at risk to save your own. / You'll understand someday when you have kids.

Chief Wiggum · Sideshow Bob:And don't try taking it off because it's taped to your leg hair. / And that really hurts.

Sideshow Bob · Chief Wiggum:As gentlemen, surely we can just agree to... Dear God! / Sorry. / Fair enough. But now that we know what it can do, there's no need to... Mother!

Bart:Wow. You don't even have to point it at him.

Homer · Sideshow Bob · Homer:Well, there's Mr. Burns... Fat Tony, the Emperor of Japan, ex-President Bush. / The late Frank Grimes. / PBS, Stephen Hawking... the fat little Dixie Chick. / And the state of Florida.

Sideshow Bob · Homer:How can one man have so many enemies? / I'm a people person. Who drinks.

Sideshow Bob · Homer:This is a normal day? / I just wanted to impress you.

Sideshow Bob · Previous King:Didn't last year's king have to abdicate because he married a commoner? / And I'd do it again. But I do miss the Royal Crown Cola.

Sideshow Bob:Ah, yes, the Kwik-E-Mart. I haven't been here since I robbed it dressed as Krusty. / My one successful crime.

Sideshow Bob:Our time is passing, old friend.

Snake:Uh, if you two country hens are finished clucking... I'd like to buy a copy of Jugs and Ammo.

Sideshow Bob:Well, we've settled that argument. You can't read a magazine and drive.

Mechanic · Homer:But your car was built in Croatia. It's made from old Soviet tanks. / Just fix it, Mr. Sasswrench.

Homer:Right, right. I'm counting the pennies in the ashtray. / There's two.

Homer · Sideshow Bob:You're so smart. Shock him. / Odds Bodkins!

Sideshow Bob:Now who's the sociopath, huh?

Sideshow Bob:These are Homer's friends and family. They don't want him dead. They just want him to suffer.

Frank Grimes Jr. · Sideshow Bob · Homer:Once I kill you, everyone will think I'm the real Homer. Ha-ha-ha. / None of this seems odd to you? / Meh.

Moe:Yeah. A kid should be real simple to kill. I'd come up behind him with a knife and slit his throat real quick.

Sideshow Bob:Homer, if I could write haikus while skinheads beat me with soap... I can concentrate anywhere.

Marge:Oh, why didn't I take more photos? / Memories / Like the corners of my mind

Homer:Ha, ha. I thought I could get it while it was in the recharger. / I was wrong.

Bart:I don't know how we ever had fun without him.

That 30s Show Characters:Hey, Pop, where's the crank on this Victrola? / Why, it's the latest model. From now on, the only crank in this house is your Aunt Gladys. / For your information, I'm cranky because I've got polio.

Sideshow Bob:Tom Shales gave this show a good review and I'm the one in prison.

Homer · Parade Official:Aah! Don't look at me. / Homer Simpson? / Right here.

Homer:Whoo-hoo! Good things do happen to bad people.

Homer:Marge, you're embarrassing me in front of the drag queen.

Kent Brockman:In a related story, Homer Simpson may not have long to live.

Homer · Marge:This is a way to flush this killer out once and for all. And get drunk on a Tuesday. / Today's Tuesday. And you've had six beers. / But I'm not drunk.

Lou · Chief Wiggum:So, uh, you're from Tempe? I'm from Chicago. / Whoa, I'm so drunk I'm gonna puke. You ever get that feeling, beautiful?

Homer:America loves its kings, from George III to Larry.

Homer:Phew. Just Italians.

Homer:Attention, drunken idiots. This is your king. Sacrifice yourselves to slow me down.

Crowd Member · Homer:Hey, how about some beads? / They're not for dudes. / That's cool.

Chief Wiggum:That museum has been nothing but trouble since it opened.

Sideshow Bob:I saved a life. And it feels wonderful.

Sideshow Bob · Homer:And yet, I could just as easily drop you to your death. / Don't be so sure. I got my legs wrapped around your ass pretty tight.

Sideshow Bob · Homer:And yet, I could just as easily drop you to your death. Don't be so sure. I got my legs wrapped around your ass pretty tight.

Homer:Everything going dark. Like Duff Stout, the beer that made Ireland famous. I love you, Doris.

Homer · Religious Person:Your king needs these stilts. / Jesus is our only king. / Not anymore.

Homer:Oh, yeah. How is old Grimey?

Frank Grimes Jr.:He happened to like hookers, okay?

Chief Wiggum · Lou:If I can tranq out just one freak on stilts... I know I've done my job. / You're living the dream, chief.

Homer:Yeah, it's every parent's dream to outlive their children.

Sideshow Bob · Bart:I... I can't do it. / Why not? / Well, I guess I've, dear God... grown accustomed to your face.

Sideshow Bob:I've grown accustomed to his face / And dreams of gouging out his eyes

Homer:Bart, turn down that original cast recording and go to sleep.

Sideshow Bob · Bart:This isn't a duet. / Sorry.

Sideshow Bob:We shall meet again, old friend. But now I must steal away into the night.