Diatribe Of A Mad Housewife

Homer:d-ohh! (Screams)

Homer:Let's see. I'll have 16 gravy scrape 'ems, a bucket of twisty lard, and two super-choker breakfast burritos with macho sauce.

Squeaky-voiced teen:I could also deep-fry the bag.

Homer:Great. And I'll have a diet coke-- deep-fried.

Homer:need more lap.

Homer:I'll have to steer by the reflection in my watch!

Homer:Why don't I just pull over?

Homer:can't stop! Krusty collectible toy jammed under brake pedal!

Security system:intruder detected. Calling local police. (busy signal) line busy. Shutting down.

Mr. Burns:We're well-protected against every threat, from bomb-toting bolsheviks to golden-armed jazzbos.

Homer:Oh, no! I hit the grief counselor!

Grief counselor:Promise... me... you'll report this.

Mr. Burns:Consider yourself fired!

Homer:I had a car!

Bart:I'm gonna taunt the phd'S.

Bart · PhD students:Hey, guys, I heard an assistant professorship just opened up. Oh! Where? Ooh! At the university of... psyche!

Groundskeeper Willie:When it happens in a book, it's romantic. But, when willie tries to kiss ya, you're all pepper spray and fingernails.

Marge:Marge simpson, longtime reader, first-time stander-upper.

Esme Delacroix:Just a class at the 'y'-- yale university.

Marge:If I write a book, will they tell me when it comes out?

Homer:I'll steal this sign, and they'll pay me to make them a new one!

Car salesmen:We'll clean out those stupid americans.

Homer · Marge:Did that salesman cut one during the test drive? Yeah. And, for some reason, he turned on the radio to cover up the smell.

Homer:I bet a lot of hippies were denied care in this thing. Injuhippies.

Ambulance siren:Buy me! Buy me! Buy me!

Homer:You work at the nuclear plant. Get with the program, marge. Your husband is now an ambulance driver.

Homer:Maybe on planet zoozoo.

Bart · Lisa:Hey, I think it's cool. I can defibrillate lisa! Not if I pump your heart full of morphine first!

Marge:Those aren't your toys. They're to keep daddy asleep and awake.

Marge · Homer:Homer, you left two jobs and bought an ambulance without even a phone call. I also fed some ducklings. I know. I got your message.

Marge · Homer:I'm writing a novel! Whatever. But I think you look great already.

Marge:A novel about whaling. That's something you haven't seen before.

Marge:'Swim, swim, swim,' thought the whale, flapping his... floppers.

Marge:Mayor quimby, disco stu, and our fighting men and women overseas. Well, I finished the 'thank yous.'

Marge:Temperance barrows stared at the sea like a dog stares at a ham.

Patient · Homer:For the third time, the hospital. You're an ambulance, not a taxi!

Bart · Homer:Why don't you just admit you don't know where the hospital is. Why don't you admit I know it's around here somewhere!

Marge:For temperance, the days passed on... as did seven of her ten children.

Marge:This family has not seen whale meat for a onemonth.

Marge:tobacco.

Marge/Temperance:Ooh, it has colored my teeth a healthy brown.

Patient · Homer:We're not paramedics! I'll say.

Marge:Temperance had to face the unhappy truth she had married a brute. Hey, baby. I've returned from portsmouth. Now let me put my tongue down yourmouth.

Marge:a seagull? The whales weren't biting, okay?

Marge:This story is as dark as those new milky way bars. Ooh, that's a good analogy. I'll work it in somewhere.

Ned Flanders:If so, then I guess I'm just a cave man. If they existed, which they didn'T.

Marge:Nantucket is an island? What do you know? It is!

Marge/Drunk husband:Hey, baby, I know we work together, but I think you're hot.

Marge/Temperance · Marge/Cyrus:prithee, tell me thou art not a sodomite. Nope, not even a gomorrahian.

Marge/Cyrus:I've got an overpowering urge to see you... with your hat off.

Marge/Temperance:Pretty much. We wrote our own vows.

Marge/Cyrus:and to think my mother had one of those.

Marge:And it's so suggestive. But like they say, 'snuggling sells.'

Bart · Lisa · Marge:Let's kiss boys. Binge and purge. Rock and roll! You're not gettin' out till we're 16!

Lisa:Captain mordecai stared at the shop window full of powdered blowholes. 'Mmm, blowholes,' he drooled.

Homer:here in my car I am hosing off blood some of it's mine but most of it's not

Homer:It's double-spaced. Whoo-hoo, I'm halfway through!

Homer:Does anyone ever get 'tracted?' Let me call the suicide hot line and ask them.

Homer:No! They were all, in their own way, totally awesome.

Homer:They were all, in their own way, totally awesome.

Homer:As I've always said: 'Publish or perish'!

Homer:Now for that happy period between the lie and the time it's found out.

Publisher:Thomas pynchon loved this book! Almost as much as he loves cameras.

Tom Clancy:Hell no I wouldn't ! What do you mean I just said it? That doesn't count!

Lisa · Bart:What if they parody it on mad tv? We're doomed.

Marge · Dr. Monroe:Dr. Marvin monroe?! I haven't seen you in years. Oh, I've been very sick.

Dr. Monroe:and on page 72, temperance's name changes to marge for three paragraphs.

Moe:And could you space out the meat so that it spells 'happy birthday, moe'?

Apu:Oh, mr. Homer, anything for a cuckolded boob... I mean, uh, loyal customer.

Homer · Apu:Well, then, maybe I will! If you do, you'll see she lusts for flanders.

Homer:I swore never to read again after to kill a mockingbird gave me no useful advice on killing mockingbirds.

Homer:It did teach me not to judge a man based on the color of his skin, but what good does that do me?!

Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen:As read by mary-kate and ashley olsen? Take it, ashley. Bummer. I didn't knowpeople were sad in the past.

Marge · Homer:You told me you liked it! You didn't rit at all! You lied to me! I didn't lie. I was writing fict with my mouth.

Homer:Well, I'll make sure you never imagine anything again!

Ned Flanders · Homer:What are you doing here? Stealing doormats.

Marge/Cyrus:You wouldn't kill the father of your next child, would you? Oops.

Marge/Captain:now that your boyfriend's dead, I'm free to be selfish, drunk, emotionally distant, sexually ungenerous, pissy...

Homer · Ned Flanders:flanders, pull over! I'm an ambulance! Well, he's got me there.

Ned Flanders:Dear lord, please make homer's blows precise and deadly with a minimum of pain. Oh, and forgive me for those impure thoughts I had about the girl on the raisin box.

Ned Flanders:Just call me ann flanders!

Homer:Why would I rub her back unless I wanted to get some... oh, to make her feel good.

Homer:The end of your book was the wake-up call I needed after falling asleep at the beginning of your book.

Homer · Marge:Lee harvey oswald wanted to steal the jack ruby. Jack ruby was a man, not a jewel.

Chief Wiggum:all right, we're back to square one. Put on some coffee. I was so close.