Margical History Tour

Homer:D-ohh! (Screams)

Library employee:Books? Books are for squares. We're now a multimedia learning center for children of all ages... but mostly bums.

Bums:Visual gag: All the bums sleeping in the library

N/A:Visual gag: Books titled 'Everybody Poops The Video' and 'Yu-Gi-Oh! Price Guides'

Lisa:I have to score at least a pumpkin sticker or better on it

Homer as Henry VIII:I'm hen-e-ry viii, I am hen-e-ry viii, I am, I am / I've been eating since 6:00 A.M. / For dessert I'll have dinner again / my name's synonymous with gluttony / I'll always eat a turkey or a ham...

Homer as Henry VIII:I've been eating since 6:00 A.M. For dessert I'll have dinner again my name's synonymous with gluttony

Marge as Catherine of Aragon:stop singing that song! We all know who you are.

Court announcer:Her majesty, margarine of aragon!

Homer as Henry VIII:I just planted my seed in your womanly dirt.

Marge as Catherine:Your majesty, I know you want a son, but must we discuss my womb in front of the entire court?

Dr. Nick as royal physician:as royal physician, it is my learned opinion that her womb is filled with sea serpents.

Lisa as Princess Elizabeth:Could a girl belch like this? (Huge belch)

Bart as court jester:Too much jerkin' your merkin?

Homer as Henry VIII:Get out of my dreams and into my wife!

Marge as Catherine:I could have married the king of france. He wasn't so preoccupied with procreation. Ting-a-ling-a-ling. Know what I mean?

Selma as Anne Boleyn:Modern wench magazine dubbed me 'anne of the child-bearing hips.'

Homer as Henry VIII:My son could cartwheel out!

Lenny as marriage counselor:Your majesty, your feelings are valid, but I'm afraid marriage takes a lot of hard work. (Snaps fingers) and who needs that?

Lenny as marriage counselor:I say trade in that lemon and get biz-zay. Whoo-hoo!

Ned as Thomas More:Sire, there's no such thing in the cath-diddly-atholic church.

Homer as Henry VIII:Where divorce will be so easy, more than half of marriages will end in it.

Ned as Thomas More:And I think a celibate italian weirdo knows a lot more about marriage than you.

Homer as Henry VIII · Ned as Thomas More:And because you stuck to your principles, I'm going to canonize you. I can see my house...

Homer as Henry VIII:It's not your fault. It's just that you came out the wrong sex and ruined everything. So grow a penis or get lost.

Lisa as Princess Elizabeth · Homer as Henry VIII:Well, why can't your heir be female? Or-or why can't we elect our leaders? I wonder if I could canonize a child.

Homer as Henry VIII · Marge as Catherine:Hey, I invented divorce. How did you get half of everything? You should have invented the pre-nup.

Marge as Catherine:I get Ireland?! (Laughing)

Minister:And by the power vested in me by you just now, I pronounce you king and trophy queen. In the name of the henry, the hank and the holy harry. Amen.

Homer as Henry VIII:your head lives for five seconds afterwards, so I left a magazine in the basket.

Anne Boleyn/Selma:Oh, my horoscope! 'Today will bring welcome new changes into your life.' Wrong!

Homer as Henry VIII:Sir scratchy, I accuse you of conducting a catholic mass! Lord itchy, I accuse you of not signing the act of succession!

Jane Seymour · Minister:Do you, jane seymour, take this king to be your lawfully wedded husband till your first little spat? Oh, I do! I double do! Henry is the ginchiest!

Patty as Jane Seymour:(Laughing) It's funny 'cause you're king.

Jane Seymour as dying:I told you I was a dude. You didn't dump me, I dumped you!

Old woman as potential wife:My track record! I've had ten sons. Now take a ride on the king-maker!

Old woman:I'm 95! You could use a butter knife, for god's sake!

Messenger · Homer as Henry VIII:well, we're running out of pikes to stick your wives' heads onto. I'll show you running out of pikes! Hey, what do you know? You were right.

Homer as Henry VIII:My whole life I was looking for that one woman whose execution could bring me happiness. Now I realize I was just beheading myself for divorcing you.

Marge as Catherine:see ya in hell, fat man!

Marge as narrator:England's power was never greater, and british actresses always had a role to play when they got to a certain age.

Nelson:And I just came in here to trip nerds for nothin'. Ha-ha!

Marge:In elementary school, we girls learned about Sacagawea while the boys were learning math.

Marge as narrator:and some embedded journalists

Native American chief:Long have we awaited the coming of the white man... and carl.

Lenny as Lewis/Clark:Thanks, and welcome to the united states of america. Have a flag. And while you're at it, cover your nakedness and worship our lord.

Chief:In our language, her name means 'little know-it-all who won't shut her maize hole.'

Milhouse as Charbonneau:(French accent): I will come with you-- because by myself, ze darkness, she scares me.

Chief:I don't know why I ever sold you to him.

Carl as Clark:I'll tell you what's poisonous-- your attitude.

Dying explorer:But at least people will always remember the expedition of lewis and clark and tweedleburger.

Moe as bartender:And they said you couldn't open a bar in kansas. Well, nothing can crush the frontier spirit. That'll do it.

Moe:Well, nothing can crush the frontier spirit. (Building collapses) That'll do it.

Lenny/Carl as Lewis/Clark:We got the job because we own a compass. Turns out the needle was just painted on.

Native American warrior:Can't we at least have one pity scalp?

Lisa as Sacagawea:For the last time, (slowly): Those are salmon!

Carl as Clark:You know, you could be a little more grateful to us for civilizing you.

Lisa as Sacagawea:Oh, warm, wooly rock, you're my only friend.

Lenny as Lewis · Lisa as Sacagawea · Carl as Clark:Of course we did. We'll never forget you, Pocahontas. Sacagawea! Gesundheit.

Lenny as Lewis:I say we give this lovely land a name worthy of its beauty: Eugene, oregon!

Modern official:You can trade it in at the bank for a real dollar!

Bart as Mozart:hello, vienna! Are there any aficionados in the house?

Homer as Mozart's father:Oh, little salieri, why don't you go play with the other three untalented members of our family-- tito, randy and jermaine?

Lisa as Salieri · Bart as Mozart:oh, lord, why did you give such transcendent talent to such an undeserving fool? Because you are ug-ly!

Bart as Mozart:I want to see you all next week at my concert in... Krakow! (Laughter)

Announcer:wow, it's sold out-- mincing room only!

Bart as Mozart:beans, oh, beans, delicious in your mouth / but watch out when beans come out down south / tooting, some call it pooting / it's air polluting, the gas comes shooting / right from your butt, butt, butt / butt, butt, butt, butt, butt, butt, buttttt...

Dr. Nick · Crowd:Guten tag, everybody! Guten tag, dr. Nick.

Dr. Nick:I can tell from here you have too much blood. Let's get you covered in leeches!

Dr. Nick:Now in the morning, you'll be good as new... or dead! But the important thing is, we'll know.

Bart as Mozart:But now that I'm dying young... I'll be cool forever! eat my pantaloons!

Nelson as Beethoven:(To tune of fifth symphony): Haw haw haw haw... haw haw haw haw

Homer:All I know is, the guy who played mozart was also in animal house. Now there's a movie with good music. Animal house, house, house... nobody ever went to class / then we saw donald sutherland's ass

Homer:Animal House, house, house... nobody ever went to class, then we saw Donald Sutherland's ass...