The Ziff Who Came To Dinner

Bart:I will not speculate on how hot teacher used to be

Homer:d-ohh! (Screams)

Homer:The wild dingleberries? It's a movie version of a cartoon family you can see for free on tv. But they stretched out the plot and added a wildebeest from the hood.

Movie Theater Employee:Sorry, pally, the dingleberries are sold out... but, looking at you I'm sure your kids are used to disappointment.

Movie Theater Employee:My big fat greek salad? Not a movie.

Ned Flanders:What would jesus view?

Elderly patron:This ice cream's too cold! Oh, I cut myself on the cone!

Jasper:Birthday?! (sirens blaring) (gasping)

M.C. Birthday:(Rapping): I say a birth, a day, a birth-a-dee-day! Now my good-time gang will blow you away! (Screaming) never leave the day room. Never leave the day room!

Senior citizens:Never leave the day room. Never leave the day room!

Homer:We'll just go to the furniture store and sit down.

Lenny · Carl:Good? I'm in it. I had a small speaking role. Yeah, I went to visit him and was banned from the set.

Lenny:The director saw my photo in a medical book.

Lenny · Homer:Oh, yeah, there are lots of kids in it. They fall victim to a vicious... well, b-b-but don't ruin it for me!

Movie character:Your buttons came from the trousers of a psychotic killer?

Homer:hey, I paid for this popcorn, and I'm eating it.

Homer:Everything you see is make believe, although it is based on a true story-- some of which happened in this very theater.

Lenny:the buttons look like they're sewn to my eyes, but they're really held on with hot wax.

Homer · Lisa:honey, can daddy rest his soda on your head? Mm-hmm. That's my girl.

Marge:Homer, this is a rare lapse in judgment for you.

Homer:But scaring kids is good for them. It hardens them against future terrors like roofing and driveway scams.

Marge:there's no boogie woogies or woolly bullies out there.

Marge:Oh, your nightlight's burned out, and the only bulbs we have left are these red ones.

Lisa:It was only a movie... filmed in vancouver... with donald sutherland as the priest who stopped believing...

Bart:I think you're on your own, toots.

Lisa:And bart, I'll see you in hell, you booger-eating wuss.

Lisa:That's right! We all know!

Narrator:Visit us on the web at lisathemovie.Com.

Marge · Homer:homie, that kojak is sexier than cannon and barnaby jones put together. I think he looks a little like you. (Laughs) who loves ya, baby?

Homer:You have the right to remain sexy. Anything you touch can and will be held against you in a court of sex. If you cannot afford a sex-torney--

Homer · Marge:Good. Can you play with him for half an hour?

Homer:I did find this newsweek from 1986: 'Why america loves saddam hussein.'

Artie Ziff:hello, simpsons! Artie ziff! None other! I've been hiding in your attic, living off the moisture I can suck from the rafters.

Homer · Marge:I thought we killed him! No, we didn't. But I did delete him from my bulk e-mail list. No, you didn't.

Homer:Oh, yeah. (Chuckles) that monkey got america through some tough times.

Artie Ziff:I would stop, but I love my voice!

Artie Ziff:and I was partying with newt gingrich, janeane garofalo and scottie pippen.

Artie Ziff:My stock will have a slight rebound in 2003!

Artie Ziff:they even took my repo vans.

Artie Ziff:Not even a fresh remark. Except this one. Wowie wow, wow, wow! Zazooga!

Bart:With his brains and your musky smell, I've got a full male role model.

Lisa:He tried once, but he got confused and thought the book was real. He's still looking for that chocolate factory. It consumes him.

Bart:Yeah, but after the ice cream man cut up his credit card, he got a little depressed.

Moe's Patrons · Artie Ziff:All: Hello, handsome! Hello... (quietly): Losers.

Kent Brockman:can yodeling cure cancer? Of course not.

Willie · Homer:I lost all me 'screw you' money. I'm very sorry to hear that, willie. Screw you!

Chief Wiggum:That's some good spelunking, lou. Mighty fine spelunking.

Artie Ziff:Hot mamma, I'm livin' in flush-town, population artie!

Artie Ziff · Homer:would you accept 98% of the outstanding shares of ziffcorp stock? And the peanuts in your mouth. Very well. Achem! All of them. Achem!

Homer:I always knew some day I'd be a C.O.D.

Barney:This guy's the one what done the thing that why you're here for. I'm talkin' malfeasance here.

Homer:Don't tell my kids I'm going to jail! Tell them I joined the blue man group! I'm the fat one!

Homer:Plead the fifth amend-what? Refuse to answer on the grounds that I what? Inseminate myself?

Judge · Homer:You, sir, are a moron. A mormon?! But I'm from earth!

Judge · Homer:and she was so beautiful, but what man would want her now? She was hot. Wouldn't want her.

Artie Ziff · Marge:Anti-semitism? No. Your problem is you never think of anyone besides yourself.

Artie Ziff:(Can-can song playing): Artie, artie-artie, artie artie-artie, artie, artie-artie-art ziff-ziff-ziff-ziff ziff-ziff-ziff.

Homer · Marge · Artie:If he's out, can I move back in? Oh, what do you think?! And she's the nice one.

Homer · Marge · Artie Ziff:If he's out, can I move back in? Oh, what do you think?! And she's the nice one.

Marge · Maggie:Daddy's on fire. Daddy's not on fire. Daddy's on fire-- daddy's not on fire. Daddy's on fire... daddy's not on fire! (Whines) okay, fine, he is. (Squeals)

Bart · Homer:(Imitating homer): Why, you little... (choking) (head bangs) aw, it's no use, son. By the time I get out of here, you'll be grown.

Homer:Turn around, turn around turn around and you're a young man and you're too big to choke. (Sobbing)

Teenage girls:(Laughing) (coughing)

Selma:Oh... the hair is standing up on the back of my knees.

Selma:Come on, short round, we're going back to my temple of doom.

Patty:they say that the love of a good woman can save any man. Except you, freak.

Artie Ziff · Selma:I can't get my socks off. Aw, leave 'em on. I like a man with a little mystery. I'm done. My kind of man.

Artie Ziff:(Gasps) wonderful, glorious, magnificent. And you were pretty good, too.

Artie Ziff:First, I'm going to read the paper, have a little nosh, and then I'm going to rinse out a few things, and then, finally, I will get an innocent man out of jail!

Selma:Well, he can't break my heart, 'cause he kind of makes me sick. This could work.

Marge · Bart:And I'm happy to listen to fm 95.3, home of boomer and the diz! Bart! Chill out, mom. They gave me this hat.

Chief Wiggum:You can either steal a car or kick me in the crotch. (Grunts): No one ever chooses the car.

Chief Wiggum:You can either steal a car or kick me in the crotch. (Grunts): No one ever chooses the car.

Homer · Marge:Oh, my god! Maggie, you're talking! Homer, I believe that's lisa. Oh, bart, what a man you've become.

Artie Ziff · Marge:All I needed was the love of a good woman, and since you're not interested, uh... I'm not! Merely checking, because I'm into that.

Artie Ziff:Oh, smoker, eh? Well, I have ways of dealing with you. Squirt, squirt, squirt. Your lungs will thank me.

Artie Ziff:Oh, look, there's a whole bunch of you. Squirt, squirt, squirt. That's it, circle around me. Squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt. Oh, I'm going to need more water.