The Wandering Juvie

Homer · Store Employee:where are your clothes for the gentleman who's big and fat? The basement, sir.

Homer:damn this-- oh!-- Resilient economy! Oh!

Store Employee · Lisa:this is our 'li'l hooker' line. All the girls your age are wearing it-- except the freakishly unpopular.

Lisa · Store Employee:He's eating my beauty! Mm-hmm. Skin mites love the taste of beauty.

Lisa · Store Employee:I hope he didn't have children. Do they have children? Millions of them.

Store Employee · Homer:sir, other customers need to use that dressing room. Dressing room? Uh-oh.

Skinner:And I suppose those wedding guests will also pay for dishwashing liquid, heated water, and two-sided sponges?

Skinner:Silent anger: The cornerstone of a successful marriage.

Bart:Cool. Guns. Die, happy couples.

Store Employee · Bart:that's not a toy, son. It's a bar code reader. It registers wedding gifts. Bull-honky!

Store Employee:I'm going to the employee lounge to finish my shasta.

Bart:Name of groom. Bart simpson. Name of bride. Lotta cooties.

Milhouse · Bart:a fake wedding? That's what I call chutzpah! Yeah. I'm gonna scam this town out of so many presents.

Bart · Milhouse:And what I don't use, I'm gonna return for store credit! Both: Store credit! Store credit! Store credit!

Mr. Burns:Another employee family wedding. What's the traditional peasant gift in these parts, a milking cow?

Bart · Milhouse:Remember, if anyone asks, you're my niece from out of town. I am your niece, uncle joe. Good lord, I'm an abomination!

Bart:this prank is my sergeant pepper'S.

Comic Book Guy:I see neither blushing bride, nor ardent swain.

Unknown crowd member:oh, my god, we're sealed in! Hey, nobody breathe my air! Get your own!

Bart · Chief Wiggum:Would some flatware make things right? Um, what does it say on my badge? 'Cash bribes only.'

Judge · Bart:Bart, the record of your mischief is staggering. Just look at this file. That doesn't look so big. These are directions to the facility where bart's criminal record occupies three full storage lockers.

Bart · Judge:Six feet by eight? Six by 14.

Bart:Please, judge, you can'T. I-I'll do anything. I'll squeal on my dad-- he's been up to bad things. Crap you never even thought of!

Judge · Bart:We've already got an informer working deep cover on your dad. One he'll never suspect. Is it lenny? Damn it! I mean... uh, no.

Marge · Police:No! You're not going to take my baby to jail! all right, boys, she's not letting go. Make the switch.

Ralph · Unknown:your eyes need diapers. 'Your eyes need di...' that's good, ralphie.

Guard:Perfect mood-setter for the end of your freedom.

Homer:It's not all your fault. All these years, I watched you turn our son into a time bomb, and yet I did nothing. So in a way, I, too, am a victim... of you.

Lisa · Sideshow Bob:His acting out was probably caused by negative reinforcement. Oh, I get it. Blame the strangler.

Fast Food Manager:these are all fast food jobs. Ex-cons are a godsend to employers like me. If you ask for a raise, I just call your parole officer and back in the can you go!

Unknown character:ah, cartoons. America's only native art form. I don't count jazz, 'cause it sucks.

Bart:Better stay out of the sandbox, I could be buried alive. Maybe the slide...

Gina:I'm gina. You touch my fence again and your puberty's going to be very boring.

Bart:God, I hate this place. It's nothing like the brochure.

Marge · Guard:They're not true friends. Time's up!

Marge:I believe that children are the future, unless we stop them now.

Trainer · Marge:This end's for beating, this end's for holding. Uh-huh. When does training start? It just finished.

Homer:If you're going to pick on someone, why don't you pick on someone much bigger than you with a gun?

Unknown kid · Homer:His dad's a screw? I sure am.

Homer:Oh, wait, monday's martin luther king day. Oh, I'll see you when I see you.

Warden:Studies show the part of the brain that remembers dance steps is also the anger center. So, juveniles who know how to fox-trot are 10% less likely to commit a double homicide.

Unknown student · Warden:Who conducted this study? The institute of 'shut your fat face'!

Warden:Then you'll have punch and you'll drink it. Then your eyes will meet, and it will be awkward. So help me god.

Gina · Bart:Okay, here's my rules. Hands at 10:00 and 2:00, no eye contact, and I don't want to hear how pretty I look. Don't worry, you won'T.

Homer · Unknown:Well, I can close it faster, or I can close it right. Can't you do both? Talk to the union.

Bart:well, you do look pretty in the moonlight.

Gina · Bart:guess where the next one's going. Up my butt?

Bart · Gina:Why did you kiss me? Are you looking to do the bartman?

Gina · Bart:that mean boy... he dragged me out of the dance. I didn't want to go, but he was too strong. But you got 20 pounds on me. And then he said I was fat.

Bart · Gina:But I have to wizzle. Fine. I miss prison.

Snake:If they're smart, kent, they'll stay off the main roads. It's all here in my book-- 'ten habits of highly successful criminals.'

Snake:Tell them I'll be on conan thursday, with heather locklear and third-eye blind.

Kent Brockman · Homer:Why would bart escape if he's going to be released in two weeks? You just don't understand boys. He's stupid.

Alien father · Moonhilda:You shall marry my daughter, moonhilda. I can't wait to lay my eggs in his brain.

Bart · Gina:So why'd they send you to juvie? Shoplift a scrunchie? Get bent. I pushed snow white over the parapet at disneyland.

Bart · Gina:Oh, man. Did she live? Yeah, but it's not a good life.

Cletus:I don't have such a good memory since I drank my thermometer... but I whittles what I sees.

Wiggum · Cletus:Uh, hey, what are you making now? Uh, sometimes I whittles the future.

Gina · Bart:but there's no such thing as cooties, cootie shots, cootie force-fields, or cootie insurance. But state farm took my money.

Unknown family member:You ke your ink hole shut about this.

Blacksmith · Bart:Take it from a blacksmith-- that girl's trouble. Oh, that girl's nuts. First she likes me then she hates me. I've already forgotten how ugly she is.

Bart · Gina:Wait... do you even have a family? No, I don't! They're imaginary, like your brain!

Bart · Gina:you're such a psycho! Mama's boy! future skank! Family guy!

Wiggum · Officer:Well, well, well. If it isn't punch n' juvie. Plant the evidence on them, boys. Uh, chief, we don't have to. These ones are actually guilty.

Wiggum:Super. Makes our job that much easier.

Homer:Son, I want you to know, no matter what anyone says, there's no shame in being caught alive.

Homer:He will have a great bod, though. And a couple of those teardrop tattoos. Those are cool.

Gina:I wouldn't feel right going to the bathroom with no one watching.

Lisa · Gina:Gina, thanks for showing us the meaning of christmas. And thanks for showing my brother that girls can be cool. Who is this nerd?

Homer:Well, my shift's over. I guess it's back to my bachelor apartment. Make a tuna sandwich, turn on will and grace and cry myself to sleep.