The Regina Monologues

Mr. Burns:Money is for the poor.

Mr. Burns:The automated teller machine-eola-trola-maton.

Mr. Burns · Smithers:Oh, Smithers, guide me in. / My pleasure, sir.

Mr. Burns · Smithers:Smithers, what's my password? / It's your age, sir. / Excellent.

Mr. Burns:What's the smallest amount of money I can think of? A thousand dollars!

Mr. Burns:Oh! My moolah! It's escaping my clutches!

Chuck Shadowski:Feel the drunken wrath of Chuck Shadowski!

Unknown child:Dad, stop! It's only assault. Don't make it murder!

Homer · Bart:You're a good friend, Bart. / The best you'll ever have.

Homer:Do you know how much furniture we could rent with this?

Homer · Bart:Marge, this is why people don't tell you things.

Bart:Well, we put up a flyer. Let's see someone claim that money now.

Comic Book Guy:You know the drill. Try to land on my back-fat.

Bart · Unknown claimant:Whose picture's on it? / It would have to be somebody famous. I'm gonna say, Hitler.

Bart · Unknown claimant:Does the bill have bank teller blood on it? / No, it doesn't. / I'm sorry I wasted your time.

Bart:No one's touching the hors d'oeuvres.

Marge:Yeah. But you always wind up kidnapped or on a chain gang.

Homer:I still don't know why you had that photo enlarged.

Milhouse:Look at the cross-hatching on Grover Cleveland's tie. I completely buy the illusion of shadow.

Comic Book Guy:Time's up. Beat it, do-rags.

Bart:Hey, I'm charging five bucks to get in. They deserve to see the boy behind the bill.

Bart:You can't whitewash history, Lise.

Bart:A subscription to BARTFORUM Magazine, and Bart will say 'Eat my shorts' on your home answering machine.

Unknown patron:That would be hilarious. That's just me, though. You know, I love to laugh.

Bart:Prove it, Bony Curtis.

Old man:Had my heart been inside at the time, it could've been fatal.

Museum patron:The Hard Rock Cafe in Phoenix has better crap.

Bart:Finally, I can get what I've always wanted. A used Toyota.

Marge:I'd like to return to Brazil, but I hear the monkey problem is even worse now.

Edwina:I say. Ohhh! Nice.

Homer:You have my word as a gentleman and a lady.

Homer:Wow! I can't believe we met Mr. Bean!

Homer:Every cab has its own butler.

Homer:We saved your ass in Vietnam and shared our prostitutes with Hugh Grant!

British clerk:I wouldn't dream of it, sir.

Grampa:Sorry I bothered you.

Lisa · J.K. Rowling:Can you tell me what happens at the end of the series? / He grows up and marries you. Is that what you want to hear? / Yes.

British Teen:Now completely free of 'Mad Fish Disease.'

Homer:Fish? I don't know. I'm not really a vegetarian.

Homer:That was over soccer results. Can you believe they gave Giggs a yellow card in the box?

Homer:I understand the word 'gave,' unless it means something else in this country!

Homer:Look, teabag, just fork over the brown.

Homer:There's Jimmy Page, one of the greatest thieves of American black music who ever walked the earth.

Homer:You can't bet on my kids! This is America, pal!

Lisa:Sir Ian McKellen! You're my favorite Shakespearean actor.

Bart · Ian McKellen:You mean Macbeth? / Quiet, you blundering fool! You'll curse us all!

Bart:Macbeth! Macbeth! Macbeth!

Bart:Mom, you said Macbeth!

Ian McKellen:It's bad luck to say that, too!

Homer:Yes, this trip is entirely uneventful.

Homer:Oh, that thing is supposed to be on fire.

Homer:Let the guys handle this.

Homer:Your Majesty? (mimics whipping)

Homer:Which means her real name must be... Henrietta R. Hippo!

Marge:What difference could it make? He hit the friggin' Queen!

Judge · Homer:I'm a man! / And a very manly one if I may say so, m'Lord.

Homer:If she were 100 years younger and I were 100 years older... Oh!

Homer:America rules! Our Beatles are way better than your precious Rolling Stones!

Bart:Poke the monster with a stick! Tuppence a jab!

Homer:In return, I will spell the word 'color' with a 'U.'

Homer:Oh, I can't do it! It's so stupid!

Homer:Don't buy any videotapes in England! They won't work in our VCR!

Guard:Don't worry it. Let the pike do the work.

Homer · Hallucinations:Goodbye, sparkly elves! / Goodbye!

Homer:Boy, a Krispy Kreme would really clean up down here.

Homer:who by the way has never had a girlfriend. I'm just saying.

Homer · Madonna:English women don't pump gas naked. / See you in Atlanta, bitch!

Grampa:Plus, as the boat pulled away from the dock, I thought you looked fat.

Grampa:Well, gotta go! See you in heaven!

Homer:You make Dame Edna look like a dude.