Today I Am A Clown

Homer:(SINGING) Time to wizz in a foaming bowl of china

Homer · Bart:Son, can I have cuts? No! Back cuts? Okay. Sweet. Hey!

Homer:Oh, God! It's baby blood!

Homer:I tried the coat hanger again. I don't understand why we only try ideas once.

Homer · Dr. Hibbert:Dr. Hibbert? Is someone seriously ill? Oh, I wish! (LAUGHS)

Dr. Hibbert:Santa's Little Helper paid a bootie call to my purebred poodle, Rosa Barks

Dr. Hibbert:And he had his eyes on her prize. I'm gonna drop that analogy now.

Dr. Hibbert:You just lost a box, pal!

Homer:on our way to the clinic, I decided to give him a night his wang would never forget

Homer:Wanna play some air hockey? Three hundred and fifty dollars an hour. You're on!

Marge:You broke our deal! We had an oral contract!

Groundskeeper Willie:He's an irritable, walleyed, misfit, bastard! Just like Willie.

Bart · stranger:Hey, mister, would you like a puppy? No. But I'll take one!

Krusty:Seen it... Bad... Boring... Saw it on the plane... Rerun... Rerun... Telemundo... Me... Turned it down... ABC... Banned from the set... Lame... Lame... Regis...

Krusty:Let's see, champagne or Slim Fast?

street vendor:DSL! DSL! Who will buy my high-speed connections?

street vendor:Brazilian wax! Get your velvety smooth, Brazilian wax!

Krusty:Here, go on Sandy Koufax. I lost ten grand when he wouldn't pitch on Yom Kippur! I did five shows that night!

Krusty:Why ain't I here? I'm a bigger name than... Chaim Potok! What is he? Some kind of Klingon?

Krusty:Circumcision? And then some! (CHUCKLES)

Krusty · Rabbi:Do you know how much I donate to the B'nai B'rith? Actually, I do. Goodbye.

Krusty:Oh, I was turned down by all those country clubs for nothing!

Krusty:I thought I was a self-hating Jew! But it turns out, I'm just a plain old anti-Semite!

Krusty:Without a Bar Mitzvah, I'm just a boy with a prostate the size of a goat's head!

Krusty:I remember learning to ride a bike, then pretty much nothing till right now.

Krusty:Maybe I am but you can't argue with the laughs.

Rabbi · Krusty:So what? It's not my job to make kids laugh. Yes, it is. You're a clown.

Krusty:That'd be great. Are you sure that's kosher?

Lisa:I have a Jewish imaginary friend. Her name is Rachel Cohen and she just got into Brandeis.

Krusty:Mouse-l Tov!

Krusty:He's a son, a lover and a pundit rolled into one sexy package!

Krusty:Such expensive flowers, filled with remorse.

Krusty:Man, are you unpleasant! You're in!

Homer:Welcome to The Homer Simpson Show. I'm your host, next card. Homer Simpson

Homer:Carl Carlson, raconteur, and Lenny Leonard, three-time juror

Homer:You ever notice how seats are too small for normal looking guys like me? Theaters, airplanes? Why even here! Look!

Carl:Never go on the teacup ride after eating at Beauty and the Beast's Fried Dough Chateau.

Lenny:How about some new oldies, geniuses?

Marge · Homer:Who has more power? Miss America or Miss USA? I think one's elected and the other one's appointed.

Homer · prostitute:Go home, turn on your television, Channel Six. Thanks for the tip!

Homer:I think one's elected and the other one's appointed.

Homer:All these rules! I feel like I'm in a strip club!

Homer:All these rules! I feel like I'm in a strip club!

Lenny · Homer:I was wondering if I could get a small cost of living raise? Interesting. Please welcome new panelist, Barney Gumble.

Barney · Homer:That light's a little bright. You think you can move it? Please welcome our newest panelist, Disco Stu.

Disco Stu:Disco Stu knows his place.

Marge:My husband's a power-mad star. Maybe now we can get that padding that goes under rugs.

Executive · Krusty:You're not doing this fast enough! You're fired, too!

Child · Homer:I eat Legos. So did I, son. And look where I am today.

kid · Homer:I eat Legos. So did I, son. And look where I am today.

Homer:Duck, Mister Lincoln!

Homer:I say live fast, die young, and leave a big fat corpse!

Krusty:How about a show where girls think I'm a millionaire? But what they don't know is I'm rife with disease!

Krusty:Please, you people are known for taking chances on crap.

Homer:'Boobs.' (LAUGHS) Just like what girls got.

Homer:Yet the IMF insists on unrealistic debt repayment schedules.

Grampa:This show stinks! I knew my son would blow it! Where's the remote? Oh, it might as well be in China.

Krusty · Mr. T:T, I haven't seen you since we roasted Chevy Chase! Yeah. We were kind of rough on him. I feel bad for the guy. You pitied the fool? That's one way of putting it.

Mr. T:Baruch adonai hamvorach, fool!

Marge:So that's why Bart has all those broken tracheal bones. Tight bow tie, my ass!

announcer:That's a lot of latke!

Homer:Marge, I thank God every day you settled for me.

Homer:Marge, I thank God every day you settled for me.

Mr. T:I pity the shul that won't let Krusty in now!

Krusty:I wish I had invested my money better.

Network executive:Krusty, the ratings were good. Raymond re-run good.

Homer · Marge:I'm hungry. Are they married yet? They're not getting married. Then whose garter is this?

Mr. T:I pity the fool who didn't bring an envelope to this Bar Mitzvah.

Mr. T:I pity the fool who didn't bring an envelope to this Bar Mitzvah.