The Heartbroke Kid

Soldiers:Something's coming this way, sergeant. Something big! Don't worry, men! It's time for the USA to win a war.

Soldier:My God, it's a stapler!

Skinner · Chalmers:Today? Of course I know. Happy birthday... / It's not my birthday, Seymour. You know I'm a Sagittarius.

Skinner · Chalmers:Really? I'm a Libra. We're very compatible. / Skinner, you can be gay on your own time.

Chalmers · Skinner:I expect it to be like cats and dogs in here. / Sir, the school has a strict policy against animals. I assume you're speaking hypothetically about cats and dogs?

Vendor:Everyone loves gum machines. So why not a machine with okra soup gel?

Vendor · Skinner:Does your school nurse treat burns? / No. / Couldn't be simpler!

Vendor:Kids want a snack that skateboards, doesn't clean its room, and hates homework. That's why we created Scammer and Z-Dog Scarfables!

Skinner:Hip-Hop slushies! Yeah, I saw those when my usual grocery store was on strike.

Chalmers:It's like a school fundraiser wrapped in slang!

Vendor:And a subliminal neuro-jammer disrupts the children's judgment.

Chalmers · Vendor:Very well. I assume these snacks are nutritious? / That's not our concern. The point is half the money goes to the school.

Lisa:Look at the ingredients! Hydrogenated oil... monoxide poison, weaponized plutonium?

Lisa:Attention naive masses! These new snacks are filled with... processed sugar, industrial byproducts, and fattening acids!

Students · Vending Machine:Don't hate the flavors. Participate! / The machine is right. / Don't be a victim. Swallow snacks! / It's fun to obey the machine.

Vending machine:Good for you! You're 5 minutes away from a fantastic beverage or snack.

Bart · Willie:I'm out of money! Willie, want to buy my skateboard? / Why not? For once, everyone will look at Willie!

Willie:Look at me, I'm an American boy!

Willie:Stairs! / No! I don't... / Okay, I'm fine. / No! I spoke too soon! / Better now.

Willie:What are you looking at, bastards!

Marge · Bart · Homer:Eat some. / No thanks. The vending machine at school feeds me now. / So I've been replaced by a machine?

Homer:Marge-bot ready for some loving!

Homer:Why did I give her a weapon?

Bart · Marge · Homer:My heart... hurts so much. Like it's caught in a vise! / My little boy is in love. / I think he's having a heart attack!

Marge:Doctor, little kids shouldn't have heart attacks. They should scrape their knees and poke their eyes out and get strangled by cats.

Dr. Hibbert:These dark spots are chocolates. / His liver looks healthy. / That's a wafer.

Dr. Hibbert:I won't bury another patient! / Doctor, you're a pediatrician! / Yes, but my mind is elsewhere this year.

Dr. Hibbert · Marge:I won't bury another patient! Doctor, you're a pediatrician!

Exercise machine display:I SLEEP WITH YOUR WIFE

Marge · Bart:Bart, how can you laugh at this? You just had a heart attack. / Yes, but what doesn't kill me makes me stronger.

Bart:Those were a lot of words. I need some energy.

Krusty:Hello kids! Heart disease can strike anyone. Like clowns who are alcoholics and smokers. That's why I had the doctor give me a zipper.

Krusty:Hello kids! Heart disease can strike anyone. Like clowns who are alcoholics and smokers. That's why I had the doctor install a zipper.

Krusty:The zipper got stuck. Should have gone with buttons.

Bart:Disgusting! From what it looks like, this cheese has already been eaten.

Marge:When people asked how you were, I'd say: At least he has his health. / Now you have nothing.

Marge · Homer:It's graffiti you can eat! / Get well, son.

Announcer:Today only, free milkshakes for ten-year-old boys. / Drink your weight in milkshake and win a milkshake!

Family · Bart:Intervention! / What the hell? / Child, we're here to help you with... / Which addiction are we dealing with? / Gluttony.

Krusty:So tired that the only thing that picks me up is smoking. / The only thing it does is bring me back to normal.

Bart:eat my shorts, losers!

Tab Spangler · Homer:Guess how old I am. Come on, guess. / 47? / It hurts when people say higher. Still stings a little.

Marge · Tab Spangler:Maybe you mean 'tough love'? / Tough love? Of course, that never made sense. The guy who sold it to me lied. Stanley.

Tab Spangler:Tough love? Of course, that never made sense. The guy who sold it to me lied. Stanley.

Tab Spangler:Thank you for the correction. It's part of honesty. I'll leave you with advice: Become emotionally dead. To your body. Make lots of friends.

Kent Brockman · Tab Spangler:Kent Brockman, Channel 6 News. I ate while others did weather and sports. / Your fat is starting to spill into Channels 5 and 7. I hope you're not getting three salaries.

Kent Brockman · Tab Spangler:Kent Brockman, from Channel 6 News. I ate while others reported weather and sports. Your fat has started spilling into channels 5 and 7. Hope you're not getting three salaries.

Marge:You old fatso! Can you cut back on your makeup expenses?

Marge · Homer:I already use crayons for lipstick and coal for eyeliner. / So that's where all my coal went.

Homer:So that's where all my charcoal went.

Homer · German tourists:$50? And who's going to pay for all the water used in your baths and showers and washing clothes? / We don't do that, no problem.

Tab Spangler:While you put the spoon in the ice cream, tell it you hate it. Talk to it. What did you call me? What did the vanilla say? No, I'm not that old!

Tab Spangler:German tourists? You see, every family needs extra income... when they send a child like you to a place like mine.

Bart · Tab Spangler:They can't see or hear us, right? / We're not the Ghost of Christmas Past. They can see us. If I were invisible would I waste time wearing these clothes?

German tourist:So this is the little fatty eating strudel... who bankrupted them with his expensive treatments. Little fatty eating strudel. You should think about that.

German tourist:Problem #35 with America: No free healthcare. #36: No metric system. What are you, living in Charlemagne's time? Answer me. Answer me now.

German tourist:Here's your tip, baldy. If you want it, dance and sing.

Homer · Marge:Great! More, more! They want me to do the rest. I hope he knows it.

Bart:I'm to blame for everything. I'll never eat junk food again. I swear it.

Homer · Bart:Bart, what are you doing here? I learned my lesson. But... you're still fat.

Bart · Homer:When I went against the system, money came out. My boy! I know we didn't earn this honestly, but we can... Use it to kick them out? Yes.

Tab Spangler:Sorry, I think I left my belt here. No, you didn't leave it. Don't tell me I didn't leave it. This is my lucky belt. Big beautiful story.

Homer:Why are you all looking at me? / I'm not too fat. I'm alive, aren't I?

Homer:Why are you all looking at me? I'm not too fat. I'm alive, aren't I?

Homer · Tab Spangler:We can decide when we're standing naked over the bed. / My God, that's why you eat.

Homer · Tab Spangler:We'll share a room. Where will I sleep? We can decide that when we're standing naked over the bed.

Homer · Tab Spangler:Give me half. / I don't want to. / Just the cheese, not the meat. I want the meat. Take a bite. / Don't cut it. Give it all to me. You'll eat later. / You're a selfish pig. / Since I smelled it, I have to eat it. / But it's mine. / I'm driving, I'll kill us. / Fine, I'd rather die.