A Star Is Torn

Apu:I was hoping we'd miss the 3:00 holdup.

Homer:It's like a corn dog without the dog.

Farmer · Farmer:Put whatever you want in this burlap sack. / You may not. That's my baby carrier.

Homer:This portobello mushroom eats like a steak. A rubbery, fungus-like steak.

Homer:Marge, I'm giving birth to a food baby.

Bart · Marge · Bart:I feel like something crawled inside me and took a crap. / Bart, don't use that word... / Crap.

Lisa:It's 'cause your bodies are so used to processed food, it's a shock when you eat vegetables full of vitamins, minerals and trace amounts of bug feces.

Homer:It's staying down. It's not staying down. Wait. Yup, it's staying down. Oh, no, it's not. Yes, it is. No, it's not. Yup. No. Yup. No. Yup. No. Yup, no, yup, no, yup, no.

Krusty:Do you have what it takes to be a singing sensation? A dynamite voice? Ruthless, pushy parents? A void in your self-esteem that can only be filled by applause?

Lisa:Oh, God, I know that void.

Krusty:Not affiliated with American Idol. We've never even heard of American Idol.

Krusty:So enter today, especially if you're a funny-looking kid who doesn't know he sucks.

Bart:I think I puked up all of my meanness.

Marge:Whenever I enter a contest, I tell myself I'm going to win because sometimes, if you believe hard enough, God cuts you a break. After all, He works for us. Our prayers pay His salary.

Cartoon PSA:But seriously, cruelty to animals is no laughing matter. You can make a difference. Spay and neuter your pets. And remember, save the violence for cartoons.

Krusty:After this, I got to record 27 seasons of DVD commentaries, and I remember nothing.

Krusty:I was going to be your celebrity judge, but then I realized I'd have to pay attention.

Selma:I can't believe I used to date him.

Krusty:When she sings a 'C,' it's a 'C.' Unlike a certain glee club I've wasted my life on.

Lisa · Homer:Which one are you, the man or the woman? / Questioning the kid's sexuality--well done.

Homer:Much of the tune is plagiarized.

Lisa:Except for Flanders.

Krusty:I wish I could say the same about my stockbroker.

Krusty:That's a quality joke.

Homer:I wrote it about Shelbyville, then changed the names.

Homer:Well, Moe's getting a big screen TV in February, just in time for the Pro Bowl. Maybe this time my beloved blue shirts will win.

Marge:He's cute, unthreatening, and his smile brought a puppy back to life.

Homer:The song I wrote you is so schmaltzy, it'll make 'Moon River' sound like a farting orangutan.

Krusty:Disclaimer: All ballots were lost and vote totals made up.

Announcer:Fall into the flavor hole!

Homer · Manager:My little girl likes Red Vines! / You little...!

Homer:There's a hundred little punks graduating from Syracuse this year that would beg to kiss my ass.

Bart · Homer:For once, couldn't you just turn into a good father? / Living through Lisa is the healthiest thing that ever happened to me.

Bart:Yeah. For once, couldn't you just turn into a good father? Would that be so hard?

Homer · Lisa · Homer:You love sausage, but you hate to see it getting made. / I don't love sausage. / Then would you like to see it getting made?

Lisa:You were obnoxious at a level not even permitted in show business.

Homer:Soon the whole world will be lining up to suck my nose.

Lisa · Homer:So, are you a colonel or a captain? / Neither. I'm both.

Homer:Oh, God, they're delicious. Oh, I'm so happy. Oh, God, they're... They're gone.

Krusty · Krusty:Hey, you're supposed to clean this out every night. / What do you mean, talk to your shop steward?

Krusty · Eliminated contestants:Hey, you're supposed to clean this out every night. What do you mean, talk to your shop steward?

Krusty:Even the Applause-O-Meter is crying.

Krusty:Even the Applause-O-Meter is crying. Oh, God, that's battery acid.

Krusty:Oh, God, that's battery acid.

Homer:Don't trust people in the music business.

Homer:Don't trust people in the music business.

Homer:I'd do anything for you, honey. Especially if it's easy.

Homer · Lisa:I'll always be there. Not even death will stop me. Now you're getting creepy. How 'bout I love you, honey. Good.

Lisa · Homer · Lisa:Now you're getting creepy. / How 'bout I love you, honey. / Good.