Homer Simpson This Is Your Wife

Homer:Why the hell would he want to do that....blessed sacrament that has made my life so rich?

Homer · Marge:I like your hat, sweetie. / I'm not wearing a hat. / I mean, the one at the house.

Cletus · Brandine:Another party and we cain't go. Yeah. Just 'cause we's afraid of using the uppity box.

Unknown:Ain't no party like a Lenny party 'cause a Lenny party don't stop.

Ned:I got to work tomorrow. I better go. My god. How did Lenny get to be newsfake magazine's man of the year?

Homer · Ned:That's just a souvenir from an amusement park. / What? / Next you'll be telling me he didn't meet Woody Woodpecker.

Lenny:I dated the woman in that suit for three months. Then she left me for the guy who cleans the vomit off the roller coasters.

Homer:Hey, Lenny, I see you cut the celery at an angle here. Makes my straight-cut celery look like crap.

Lenny:Attention, everybody! Please shut up! I know you're all wondering why you're here. The fact is, I'm dying... ...to tell you that I have adopted... ...a new faith... ...in the power of technological advances to make me happy.

Unknown:I've never seen a picture so highly defined!

Homer · Lenny:Lenny, this tv is amazing. If you're not careful, I might just spend the rest of my life on your couch. / You don't mean that literally, of course. / You're right, Lenny. I...

Homer:Lenny, bring me a beer and your deepest chamber pot. Chop-chop.

Homer:You can see the soulless emptiness in that shark's eyes.

Homer:Two and a half men. You can see the soulless emptiness in Charlie Sheen's eyes.

Lisa · Bart:Dad, please come home. We miss you. / Is that a high-def tv?! / Mom didn't say anything about high-def!

Homer · Lisa:Later, if I have enough energy, we can walk up to the tv and I'll show you how thin it is. / Wow, there's a rainbow outside. / Oh, yeah? Well, right there's a commercial with a dancing cold sore.

Homer:Break out! Ha-ha! Hoo-hoo! Ha-ha! Break out! Ha-ha! Hoo-hoo! Ha-ha! Ha! Hoo-hoo! He-he-ha! Ha-ha!

TV Announcer:And bodell jenks the third crashes into bodell jenks! The winner is Bodell Jenks, junior!

Bart · Homer:wow, I can actually feel the heat. / Beat it. This is my alone time.

Bart · Homer:Can you at least take a picture of me with the tv? / I ain't fallin' for that again. / Yeah. Good times.

Homer:Stupid non-plasma tv. Picture so blurry. Might as well rub dirt in my eyes.

Homer:Marge! I love you! I love you! I love you!

Marge · Homer:Now i really hope we win that contest. / There's a chance we won't win?!

Comic Book Guy:My collection is complete. 40 years of the family circus.

Contest Official · Homer:Congratulations, Mr. Simpson. You've won. / The big screen tv? / No. No one wins that. You won third prize, a tour of the FOX network in los angeles, california.

Homer · Contest Official:All expenses paid? / Look, I gotta go.

FOX Tour Guide:Here's where we make the best damn sports show, period. And there's where we make 'the worst damn comedy show, period.'

FOX Tour Guide:why look. There's Dan Castellaneta from the Tracey Ullman show.

Homer · Dan Castellaneta:Hey, funny man! Say something funny! / Please don't lean out of the tram, sir. You might get hurt. / Don't lean out of the tram...

FOX Tour Guide:Here's where we develop our many reality shows. There's dwarf or midget: America decides, and million dollar fart-off.

Marge · FOX Tour Guide:Mother Flippers? What's this show about? / This is a reality program, dear, where we take wives from two very different families and they trade places for a month.

Marge · FOX Tour Guide:I already saw that exact same show on another network. / Here, sweetie, have a FOX sweatshirt. / This is an abc sweatshirt. / Yeah, and it zips all the way up.

Producer:Spray 'em down!

Homer:Are you kidding? Take a look at my dvd. They'll never let me near lake havasu again.

Homer:I'm signing us up for a reality show where we trade you to another family.

Marge:Well, that might be interesting. Or it could damage many, many lives.

Producer:And if you say yes now, it'll make a great act break.

Marge · Producer:I'll do it! / Perfect. But could you say it again with more emphasis on the 'I'll'? / I'll do it. / No, no, go back to the first way. / I'll do it. / Wait, I wasn't happy with that. You know what, just do it the way it feels comfortable to you. / I'll do it. I'll do it!

Marge · Producer:I'll... do... it. / How was that? / We'll get it later.

Host · Verity · Lisa · Bart:Verity, who will be your new mom, is the youngest-ever full professor at yale. / I got my tenure at 28. / Oh, really? Bart, when did you get your tenure? / I got my tenure right here. / Yeah, well I have full tenure.

TV Crew:We better pixelate those. / There aren't enough pixels in the world! / Yeah, just cover it with Ryan seacrest's head.

Charles:This is Charles. You can call me Charlie. But do not call me late when there are scones about.

Charles · Homer:It's a little british humor. / I'll bet the twist is he's gay.

Homer · Lisa:Tv. / But dad... / yes, tv-sa? / Forget it.

Homer:Listen up, stonehenge. I made a drawing of the places on Marge you can't touch. Especially the hair.

Charles:Oh, you needn't worry. I'm a bit of an elbow man, myself, actually. A bit different, a bit weird. Not sexual.

Homer:You take forever to say nothing.

Verity:You know, you don't seem like the money-hungry semi-stripper who's usually on FOX. Why'd you do it?

Verity:Well, I thought there was no further way I could humiliate my husband, and then this opportunity came along.

Verity · Marge:Charles hasn't satisfied me in years. / Yeah, that's how I feel about Notre Dame football. Cruel, dusty years.

Marge · Charles:So, Charles, what do you do for a living? / Well, I'm an office manager, and, no, I didn't even get a promotion today, again. So, go on, go ahead. Disembowel me with your pointy, pointy words.

Marge · Charles:Really? You manage a whole office? / Yes. Yes. Yes I do, actually. / Well, that's very impressive.

Marge · Charles:Does that include the people and the furniture? / Yeah, and I decide where the christmas party's held. Actually, it's decided by committee, but, you know, I choose the committee.

Homer · Charles:Hello. / I don't, I don't choose the committee as such, but, you know, I choose where they meet. This year I am thinking of conference room 'C.'

Charles · Marge:That leaves 'a' and 'b' available for overflow. / Well done!

Verity · Bart:Bart, I told you no television till you do the dishes. / And I do not call that doing the dishes.

Bart:well, my mom says why bother punishing me, I never learn.

Verity:Disgusting. Young man, I'm going to turn that cartoon into homework!

Bart · Cameraman:Help me, cameraman. / I let you smoke a cigarette in my bedroom. / That was a joint. And I have a name. It's Doug.

Verity · Homer:'Then itchy used an ice cream scoop to scoop out scratchy's heart and make it a sundae. The end.' Now, Homer, would you care to give your report on CSI: Miami?

Homer:'there's this guy that got killed. I think it was in Miami. So CSI: Miami investigated-ed it. Then a family said how much they loved the olive garden. Then I fell asleep. When I woke up, Letterman was talking to Alias.'

Verity:That's wonderful. Indeed. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a mandarin chinese lesson. Xie xie. Zai jian.

Verity · Charles:He's a very impressive boy. / The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. / A tree that's been alone for far too long.

Marge · Charles:I don't get it. / Are you saying you're the tree? / Maybe. / Are my roots showing? / Wordplay, brilliant.

Charles · Marge:Would you like to hear a joke? / As long as it's not a knock-knock joke. I always ruin them by saying, 'come in.'

Charles · Marge:You see, this man, he finds a magic lamp, and a genie comes out. / That's funny. / That's just the setup. / Well, you've set me up, for laughs down the road. / So the genie says, 'I'll give you three wishes, but whatever you get, your wife gets double.' / Okay? Remember that. / How nice for her.

Charles:Now, here's the humor. The man says, 'I want a new car. The genie says, 'your wife gets two.' Okay, remember the double? The man says, 'I want a new house.' So the genie says, 'your wife gets two.' So the man says... 'beat me half to death.'

Charles:It's funny. Don't you get it? 'Cause she gets double, so if he gets beaten half to death, the wife would be beaten to death.

Marge · Charles:That sounds horrible. / I agree, terrible. Offensive towards women. Little amusing, don't you think? / No! / Me, either. Spousal abuse. It's, uh, it's a real problem. It's not funny. It's tragic, if anything so...

Marge · Charles:well, I liked the genie part. That was fun. / You think so? / Yes, I could really picture him. With curly shoes and smoke all over the place.

Marge · Charles:You're a born storyteller. / Well, yeah, I suppose I am, yeah. / Yeah, not a murderer. / No.

Charles · Marge:Would you like to hear another joke? / I sure would. / Let me just get us some iced tea.

Charles:One more kind word from her and I am completely smitten.

Marge · Charles:Your toaster takes bagels. How ritzy. / And there we have it.

Homer · Verity:what's that delicious smell? / I'm burning all your underwear.

Marge · Charles:what's with the kimono? 'Are we having Lachoy?' No Marge, I was just sitting around drinking Vermouth and contemplating how, just when you're drowning in a pit of despair, life can throw you a beautiful blue life preserver.

Marge:I thought life preservers only came in orange. Because wouldn't it be hard to see blue in the ocean?

Charles:Pa, pa, pa, pa, pa. No logic. Not tonight.

Bart · Homer:How long do we have to stay here? / Till I'm sick of drinking these, and I'm never sick of drinkin' these.

Charles · Marge:Did I tell you I'm a bit of a songwriter? Words and music, hold the applause. I wrote this song for a woman. You. / What an odd thing for a man who's not interested in me to do. / Yes. Not interested. Let me just breathe your scent for a moment before I play.

Charles:Lady when you came to me, I was feeling blue blue just like your hair, you see blue just like the moon but only when the moon is blue and not when it is cream

Charles · Homer:and now that you are here with me I am in a dream oh, Yeah, Marge, your dreams can come true.

Charles:Lady, when you go away I feel like I could die not like dye like your hair is dyed but die like Lady Di and not Like Di like her name is Di but die like when she died.

Charles:But lady just like lady di be my princess tonight but don't die don't die. No way.

Marge · Charles:That song was very nice. / How'd you think up so many rhyming words?

Charles:Marge, I love you. And I can tell from your basic level of courtesy that you love me, too.

Marge · Charles:Listen, Charles, I don't want to hurt your feelings... / because you love me, right? Admit it. We were born to fall into each others' arms on reality tv.

Marge:I'm sorry, but I love Homer.

Charles:Of course you do. He's a real man, not like me, a miserable toad under the thumb of the biggest bitch this side of the Westminster Kennel Club.

Marge · Charles:Charles, please, your son might see this. / He's not my son. His real father is either the pool man or my wife's lover. They're the main two candidates I've narrowed it down to. Pretty sure.

Homer:Elle m'a fait passer du temps avec les enfants. Et le temps pour la télévision est devenu un temps de dialogue.