Million Dollar Abie

Homer:I thought it was about her boobs.

Homer:Well, it's a cinch Springfield won't be that lucky city.

Barney:Yeah, the only thing we're known for is leading the country in heart attacks.

Homer:I've had enough of your stinkin' thinkin'. I, Homer Simpson, will personally bring the new pro football franchise to Springfield.

Marge:God, we have fun.

Marge:what the Hellmann's real mayonnaise?!

Homer:It's the duff beer krustyburger buzz cola costington's department store kwik-e-mart stupid flanders park.

Marge:Maybe Homer brush teeth first?

Commissioner:I love L.A.

Rob Reiner:'I'll have what she's having' was one of the lines.

Homer:Springfield has Apu Nahasapeemapetilon.

Homer:Springfield takes in garbage from other cities.

Rob Reiner:Some of hollywood's biggest stars have taken the time to sign waivers allowing celebrity impersonators to sing in this video.

Celebrity Impersonators:Springfield don't make nothin' because Springfield blows

Female Commissioner:I'm sick of L.A.! They got earthquakes, wildfires, bennifers, brangelinas, and that potty mouth, Sarah Silverman!

Female Commissioner:I didn't kill my husband to get control of his franchise to give a team to Los Angeles!

Female Commissioner:Now if you'll excuse me, I gotta go tell my gay grandson I still love him.

Fans:I've got melt mania! I got downs syndrome!

Kent Brockman · Mel:Who ya talkin' to? Your imaginary girlfriend? / Isn't your mother a well-known whore? / You win this round, Mel.

Mayor Quimby · Citizens:Did I ever tell you people about the time I met Lloyd Bridges? / Yeah, you passed him in the airport. / Yes, but which airport? / Hartsfield in Atlanta.

TV Show:Criminals who prey on the elderly people who watch this program.

Abe:If i knock him out, I'll be a hero. And people will listen to my loose-brained nonsense.

Chief Wiggum:I'm sorry, did I just say 'Wiggum'? I... I meant 'wigwam.'

Lisa:Maybe he's thinking of a new shape for the football.

Grampa:Not so tough when someone hits you from behind with golf club, are ya?

Abe:I thought he was trying to steal my jewels and all them pictures of Bert and Lucy.

Homer · Abe:You're a useless old man. Name one thing you do for this family. / I watch the baby. / Where is the baby? / You left me with a baby?!

Abe:Nobody loves you when you're old and gray / nobody needs you when you're upside down / everybody's hollering about their own birthday / everybody loves you when you're six foot in the ground.

Abe:Euthanasia? No way! I want to die with dignity. Like slipping in the shower and then they find me two weeks later, swollen up so bad, they don't know if I'm man or sofa.

Abe:Aw, I think you're cute, too.

Doctor:Yeah, and we're cleaning out the death machine today. A lot of gunk gets stuck in it.

Jasper · Abe:If you go, can I have your blanket and your liver? / Blanket? Sure. / Liver? Never!

Homer:Well, first of all, they're all perfect. Also, when's the Cap'n crunch movie coming out? And will it be 'r' or 'hard r'?

Abe:President visits Europe?! On my dime?!

Abe · Doctor:Who's Fred Kanickee? / My appointment before you. / Nice guy. / Just a little... / Little screwed up.

Grampa:I want to hear the Glenn Miller orchestra, and I want to see cops beating up hippies.

Abe:I want to hear the Glenn Miller orchestra, and I want to see cops beating up hippies.

Doctor · Lou:I'll kill you all! / When the law's reversed. / Ha, I'd like to see you try! / When the law's reversed.

Lou · Doctor:I think you know my brother-in-law, Fred Kanickee. / Hoo, boy.

Abe:I'm dead! I never felt so alive! And I got my 16-year-old body back!

Abe:That's odd. You'd think they'd come back as the cows.

Abe · Charlie Chaplin impersonator:Charlie Chaplin? They sure put you to work. / You said it. / And you can talk! / Good for you.

Abe:So who went berserk, fatso or the little guy?

Ned Flanders:God wants us to die of old age after years of pain and reduced mobility.

Abe:You're all going to die in a pointless war.

Lisa · Mayor Quimby:No, wait, wait! Bullfighting is a cruel pseudo-sport. / Lisa's right. / It is a cool, super sport.

Homer:If the bull dies, the crowd goes wild. If grampa dies, the crowd goes wild. Either way, we make a fortune on souvenirs and snacks.

Fan · Homer:Can we bring outside food? / Not even gum.

Abe:Ole! A penny. This is my lucky day.

Homer:We'll bring you the bull's heart, sweetie.

Announcer:Like the fear I feel that I have left the iron on at home. Have I? Have I?!

Abe:I'd look pretty stupid in this outfit walking around fighting oysters.

Announcer:A girl named Linda. / No, Lisa.

Audience member:Hurry up and kill it! I have to be at the opera by 7:00!

Homer:I don't get what he's doing, and I'm smart. Not book smart or street smart or brain smart, but something.

Homer:I don't get what he's doing, and I'm smart. Not book smart or street smart or brain smart, but something.

Man being chased by bull:Please, no. I have a wife and three girlfriends.

Luigi:If you let me go, I give you free large pizza pie with purchase of same. Offer not good tuesday through sunday. We're closed on monday.

Aide · Abe:You're just here to test the microphone. / Fred Wilson, my brother Bill, Dom Dimaggio, the paper boy, Howdy Doody, Josef Stalin...