The Wettest Stories Ever Told

Bart:See, it goes ship's wheel, popeye tattoo, gilligan hat, fish with boobs and back to ship's wheel.

Bart:What about this swordfish? My life's work ruined!

Sea Captain · Homer:Red lobster? Not that good.

Homer:Yes, the ship that brought prostitutes to America.

Bart-as-Puritan-child:I've got my toy wood lump. What jolly fun.

Homer-as-wanted-man:Out of my way, you god-fearing buckleheads!

English-soldier:He's wanted for daring to question why we call this the jacobean era when the king's name is James and not Jacob.

Homer-as-wanted-man:Oh, lord, please let the soldiers kill this family instead of me.

Homer-as-wanted-man:Then the codpiece holds no terrors for thee.

Barney-as-Puritan:What kind of a booze cruise is this? Where's the hooch?

Ned-as-Puritan-leader:We puritans have no place for drunkenness... or colorful clothes or dreaming or poetry. So if you write a sonnet, keep it under your bonnet.

Ned-as-Puritan-leader:Oh, no! That was a poem! Forgive me, lord!

Marge-as-Puritan-widow:Constance Prudence Chastity Goodfaith. My friends call me Marge.

Bart-as-suitor:I didn't kill her husband just so... I mean, I-I didn't kill her husband.

Ned-as-Puritan-leader:Such language from a woman. Oh, no! I just thought of you as a woman!

Ned-as-Puritan-leader:The sun which bakes our lips to the point of bleeding and your hilarious idea to surround us with water that would kill us if we drank it.

Homer-as-wanted-man:Even for this day and age, I'm considered a bad husband.

Barney-as-Puritan:She's going to marry him 'cause he wears boots instead of blackening his feet.

Homer-as-wanted-man:Well, I'm sure the way to win her heart is to be fat and crying.

Barney-as-Puritan:Don't stop. You're choking him just the way his father used to. Good times.

Marge-as-Puritan-widow:Yes, the weather is fair.

Bart-as-suitor:Man! That guy sends my humors from sanguine to bilious! That's how we talk. Weird?

Barney-as-Puritan:Beer? I thought you guys didn't drink on the gayflower?

Homer-as-wanted-man:I was saving this booze to mess up the indians, but seeing what good pals we are, I wanted to give you a taste.

Homer-as-wanted-man · Ned-as-Puritan-leader:Take a sip every time a wave hits the ship. You're good at this.

Ned-as-Puritan-leader:Obviously, kissing your ass is getting me nowhere.

Ned-as-Puritan-leader:Sin, sin, sin! Horseplay? Roughhousing? Horsehousing?

Homer-as-wanted-man:But, baby, a man has needs.

Lisa-as-Puritan-child:When we landed I was going to denounce my sister as a witch.

Bart-as-Puritan-child · Lisa-as-Puritan-child:31 + 43? 74. Witch, witch, witch!

Homer-as-wanted-man:I've been driving drunk since I was 12.

Homer-as-wanted-man:I'll see to it you fundamentalist christians live to take over all America by the 21st century.

Homer-as-wanted-man:Man, that bird did it all. Good guy.

Bart-as-Puritan-child · Lisa-as-Puritan-child:I just thought of a name for where we're going. New England. That's real creative. What do you call your foot, 'new hand'?

Sailor · Barney-as-Puritan:Land ho! What did you call me?

Homer-as-wanted-man:I, almost regret what we europeans are going to do to you.

Homer-as-wanted-man:Also we're going to take your land and wipe you out. Who wants whipped topping?

Bart · Homer:Well, one time I read this boring comic book about a ship called the bounty. Like the paper towels.

Bart-as-Christian:Bligh... eats... dolphin... boogers.

Captain-Bligh-Burns:When you eat as much dolphin as I do there's bound to be a booger or two in the mix.

Milhouse-as-sailor · Captain-Bligh-Burns:My father's alive? No, he died while baking. It's all in the letter.

Captain-Bligh-Burns · Bart-as-Christian:Mutiny? On the bounty? What have you been smoking? Opium. Besides that?

Chief-Wiggum-as-Tahitian:Because we have no way of communicating with the outside world.

Chief-Wiggum-as-Tahitian · Bart-as-Christian:Tell me, has Robert Fulton invented the steamboat yet? Any day now.

Captain-Bligh-Burns · Tahitian-artist:I'm telling you, I don't look like that. Make another. Yes, lord ugly-face.

Captain-Bligh-Burns:I order you to forget it.

Captain-Bligh-Burns:Rounder! I hear edges!

Captain-Bligh-Burns:You don't sound like you've ever been on a boat in your life.

Bart-as-Christian:You made it from the head of the last guy who had a suggestion.

Groundskeeper-Willie-as-sailor:Row, row, merrily, merrily, bound the down gently down the... merrily down the... I cannot do it! I'm only one man.

Bart-as-new-captain:Swim faster or I'll have you made into soup.

Captain-Bligh-Burns:You call this deep?

Crew-member:Those are penguins.

Bart-as-captain · Crew-member:Oh, boy, do I suck? Yeah.

Disco-Stu:Disco fever! The only cure is to do a little dance, make a little love... get down tonight. Wait a minute. What was the second one?

Captain-Burns:Ten-four, good buddy. I'm Chevy Chase and you're not. Willy Stargell!

Charlie's-Angels-parody · Homer:Your mission today involves going undercover at a wet t-shirt contest. Just get you wet... maybe not so lovable.

Jewish-couple:Our son shlomo is working on a kibbutz in haifa. We're schlepping him some kreplach. We're jewish, all right!

Band-members:I think we're heading for disaster and most of you will not be saved unless the captain is attentive we'll all be crushed by a huge wave...

Captain-Burns:My wig! I mean, my natural hair!

Luigi-as-chef:Mama mia! What a time to be carrying the soup.

Bart:Cool! No gravity!

Krusty:Goin' out with a sight gag. Nice.

Homer:I got an idea: Climb into my mouth.

Ned:Lord, with you watching over me, I shall feel no pain. AAAHHHHH!

Marge · Homer:Homer, the ship's upside down and hundreds of people are dead! ...Three... two... one... Happy new year!

Selma:'Aw's are cheap. I'm lookin' for some action.

Jewish-man:So, now which way do we go in this farkaktah-flippity ship?

Homer:What? I have great ass suction.

Santa's-Little-Helper:I'll use my swiss army bone.

Moe:I'm alone again... naturally

Homer:Don't tell me what to do.

Comic-Book-Guy:I don't know which pains me more: The flame or the irony! Can you believe it's the irony?

Skeleton-Jimbo · Skeleton-Kearney:At last I'm not gay for skeleton Kearney. Our ribs got tangled 75 years ago. That's not gay. Right. You keep believing that.