Simpsons Christmas Stories

Marge:Maybe he's cheating on us with the episcopalians. Look at 'em, with their bright, airy narthex and light, flaky eucharist.

Homer:I wouldn't mind dipping my hand in their font.

Reverend Lovejoy:Christ is born; who's on my horn?

Ned:So many little plastic christmases ruined.

Ned:I feel like I'm born again again!

Marge · Ned:You've practiced this so many times in the shower. Paper cut!

Homer:Did anyone order a hero?

Homer:You know how your paper boy always sends you a christmas card with his home address on it? What's up with that? I wanted you to tip me! No tip till they bring back hagar the horrible. That's not my decision. It's never anybody's decision.

Mary · Joseph:Joseph, you know I have never lain with a man. Tell me about it.

Joseph:A pregnant virgin?! That's every man's worst nightmare.

Joseph:That's not all she's full of.

Mary · Joseph:So, not a doctor... well, he will be able to heal the sick. But nothing to hang on the wall.

Wise Man:and myrrh, which I am re-gifting, 'cause who needs myrrh? Here's the tag.

Wise Man:This is awkward. The king of the jews we seek is, a newborn child.

Wise Man · Herod:Now you wouldn't hurt the little boychik. Of course not. Kings don't hurt babies. Giant pointy swords hurt babies.

Wise Man:Good king Herod! Except you don't really have the 'good,' so... what do you have, really, then?

Mary · Innkeeper:I think my water just broke! You can have the barn. Now feel free to come by the main house for breakfast. There won't be any.

Doctor:I've got some very good news. Caesar just invented the cesarean.

Wise Man:I've got the messiah's nose.

Mary · Joseph:He looks just like his dad. Not you! I'm not the father, I'm not a wise man, I'm nothing.

Joseph:My wine turned into water! Who could have performed such a cruel miracle?

Mary · Joseph:Joseph, no! He has to stay alive till he's 33, when he'll be renounced by his friends and crucified. Sorry, kid.

Mary:Anytime anyone suffers in the world, he starts crying again.

Joseph:Me? But I'm watching the orange bowl.

Wise Man:You like physical comedy? Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk... A... wise man? Pick two!

Joseph:I think this nontraditional household just might make it.

Joseph:Manger danger!

Innkeeper:The other tenants have been complaining about the incessant swaddling all hours, day and night.

Matthew:What a boffo beginning for my book!

Soldiers:They put his halo on a duck. The oldest trick in the book. What the hell are you doing? Well, he does have a halo. Hail, quackie!

Joseph · Mary:What a beautiful hanukkah bush! I say we call it a 'christmas tree.' A christmas tree... what a great name. Makes you feel all warm and fuzzy.

Homer · Bart:And did you know... That little baby Jesus grew up to be... Jesus? I know. It's weird, isn't it?

Energizer Bunny · Other Character:I don't know why I'm so run down. I must be low on christmas spirit. It's 'cause you're using regular batteries. You forgot about energizer ultra! Now let me crawl inside you. Cold... so cold.

Bart · Grampa:What are you doing in the chimney? Trying to kill Santa. What's it to ya?! What do you have against Santa? He screwed me over back in WWII!

Cyrus:Okay, Abe, let's win this war quick, so we can go home and slowly give black folks more rights.

Abe:Well, I don't usually drink after lunch, but... oh, my god! The sky is full of that kind of plane that crashes into the boat!

Cyrus:Good thing I stole two of these off dead soldiers.

Radio Operator · Bernadette:I'm talking to my best gal. I miss you, too, Bernadette. You hang up first. No... you hang up first. No. You hang up first.

Abe:You'll pay for that, you haiku-spouting savages!

Cyrus:I wish I tried reefer!

Mr. Burns:On this island, military rank means nothing. We're in a state of nature where the strong of will control the weak.

Burns:How dare you drown the king of New Burns Island!

Abe (narrator):Days turned to weeks. Weeks turned to months. Months turned back to days.

Burns:Hey, sailor, my eyes are up here.

Abe · Burns:Is this pomade? It's nothing really, just seagull brains and snail goo.

Abe:What in the name of the Tennessee valley authority?

Burns · Santa:He's german. That's good eatin'. You useless waste of socks!

Burns:Damn it! Sorry, chuckles, change of plan. This sleigh is my ticket off this hellhole. Because, at heart, I'm just a very wicked child.

Abe:You backstabber! And I let you spoon me.

Abe:Somebody should have beat you with a tricycle years ago!

Abe:If I hadn't invented a jet ski made of coconuts, I'd have never gotten home.

Cyrus:Sorry I never called, Abe. I was too busy with my 15 native wives.

Abe · Cyrus:15! Whoa, that sounds like a lot of sex! I said wives, not girlfriends.

Audience Members:oh my god, it's over. We're free! It's not over. It's just intermission. I said we're free! we're still doing act two. I'll be the audience. Boo! This is terrible!

Lisa:This time of year, everybody does it, 'cause you don't have to pay for the music rights.

Moe:Why is this Santa suit so snug? Why should I care? It's all humbug I've jacked my prices up so high but there's no junk these saps won't buy

Krusty:These holiday cookies swell my fat cat even though we're not gentile

Grampa:Fine. I'll spend christmas eve with the raccoons.

Kent Brockman:You got me a gift? Rancid lard?! You shouldn't have.

Krusty:'Give the audience snowballs,' they said. 'It'll be cute,' they said.

Moe:Okay, time for my annual holiday tradition: Attempting to kill myself.

Moe · Barney:Barn, as a special gift to me this year, will you kill me? But I already got you a wool hat. Maybe next year?

Apu:I just have jerky made of trout.

Patty/Selma:I knew you'd forget, so my gift to you is a gift for you to give me.

Hans Moleman:18 wheels, and they all missed me.