Stop Or My Dog Will Shoot

Bart:Pearls are not oyster barf

Festival Worker · Homer:Sorry, sir, this is a harvest festival. No alcohol. I'm gonna have to confiscate those steins.

Wagon Wheel Maker · Tourist:Wagon wheels were the Internet of the 19th century! Really? No.

Homer · Cornucopia Owner:Styrofoam? You stuffed your horn?! What? Everybody does it.

Witness · Local:I can testify at the trial. Ain't gon' be no trial.

Homer:Where the hell is Abigail Adams?! Oh, there she is. Where the hell is Mary Todd Lincoln?! Oh, she's right there. Where the hell is Ida Saxton McKinley?!

Homer:Puh! I didn't come here to be insulted. We're leaving!

Homer · Lisa:Sure is a lot of corn in this parking lot. Dad, we're in the maze.

Homer:D'oh!

Bart:Corn. More corn. Another kid getting thrown in the air. Witch's coven. Seattle Space Needle. Amateur production of You Can't Take It With You

Homer:Split up?! Marge, no! We can fix this marriage!

Homer:Before I met you, I had friends and dreams! Oh, please take me back. The dating scene is a nightmare. I'm begging you!

Homer:Of our marriage?! I don't want to live! I don't want to live...!

Homer:Hey, this maze is made of corn!

Sign Text:Electrified for your enjoyment. Signs also electrified.

Homer:How come things that happen to stupid people keep happening to me?

Lisa · Homer:No, you didn't. Your plan was to burn the corn. That was never my plan.

Homer:I don't have any holders!

Chief Wiggum:We'll send a member of our elite canine unit in to find your husband's corpse. Uh, living corpse.

Lou:Chief, I'm afraid Officer Jaws is guilty of littering... and here's the litter!

Marge:He just needs it for walking upstairs.

Homer:In case I don't make it, here are my Oscar picks for next year. Best Sound Effects Editing: the team from...

Homer:I don't think he's ever thought about anything.

Homer:No, and never bring it up again! Please, can he? All right.

Police Trainer:For the next two weeks, I'm gonna be your worst enemy, except this Thursday is the Fourth of July, so we'll take Friday off as well. Well, I guess Wednesday everybody's going to be thinking about the long weekend, so...eh, what the hell? Why don't we just take the whole week off?

Police Trainer:Why did you let me do that? We are so far behind.

Chief Wiggum:Whoa, whoa, whoa. 'Blow'? 'Cage'? You're in uniform, Lou. Don't slang it up.

Chief Wiggum:Keep your noses clean and your hearts free of worms.

Lou:It ain't like Air Bud V: Strong Arm Of The Paw.

Cletus's Wife:You gave that hog a day of beauty, and I didn't get nothing! Manicure... pedicure... exfoliation!

Cletus's Wife · Cletus:Is you man or turtle? Here's your answer. Skittle, skittle, scurry, skittle.

Bart:I even have to eat my own homework.

Lou · Chief Wiggum:Chief, why are you using the walkie-talkie? I can hear you fine. Fine. Let's not use any of our police equipment.

Steroid Buyer:I want to pump my guns. I want to rip my pecs. I want to shriv my nards.

Lou:Nobody ever freezes. Might as well just say 'run.'

Drug Dealer:Guilty... of being innocent!

Drug Dealer:Don't worry, dude, I'm going straight... straight to my customers to sell more drugs.

Homer:Now that he's had a taste of human flesh, the dog will be a slave to its succulence. Look at him eyeing me. He knows I taste best.

Lou:Me, I knit violent imagery. Pretty grim, huh?

Bart:What if Santa's Little Helper stops being a police dog, then he can get a nonviolent job like barking songs on novelty Christmas records.

Bart · Lou:No, boy, that's Hanukah! Forget it, kid. He's a cop now.

Homer:Oh, relax, Marge. I'm just messing with you. I know I'm not a dog. I'm a people, like you.

Lou:They don't love us. They just love the uniform.

Pet Store Employee:We'll get you their most vicious street cur! He'll bite your ass raw!

Pet Store Employee · Homer:Our pythons cost five dollars a foot. We're not made of money!

Bart:It says here don't bother naming them. Snakes have poor hearing, and only live to strangle. I like it. 'Strangles.'

Bart · Lisa:He's not slimy at all. He's scaly. Eww! He is slimy! That's because I soaked him in slime!

Bart · Lisa:He's not slimy at all. He's scaly. Eww! He is slimy! That's because I soaked him in slime!

Homer:Well, I can breathe out okay.

Homer:Don't... give... snake... attention. It's what... he really... wants!

Competition Participant:After months of practice, I have trained my rabbit to hop in perfect tempo to Mussorgsky's immortal Pictures at an Exhibition.

Bart:Hey, don't ask me to show if you can't handle the tell.

Female Teacher · Male Teacher:Mine was as funny as his. No one's arguing with you, lady.

Chief Wiggum · Lou:I taste the flavor. It's a very mild mint. Well, maybe, because it's a minty color, your mind is fooling your tongue. I know what I taste!

Teacher:Children, line up according to height. No, weight. No, the sum total of the letters in your last name if each letter is assigned a numeric value according to its place in the alphabet. Quickly, now!

Chief Wiggum · Lou:He's not following his nose this time. He's following his heart. Sometimes I forget why you're chief, but I remember now!

Bart:Oh, man, it's like some chemicals cut one.

Strangles:Sorry, but a boy's got to go with his dog. If he hurts you again, don't call me.

Bart:Who am I kidding, I'll always be there for you.

Homer:That'll do, snake. That'll do.