Papa Dont Leech

Bart · Grandpa:Dad, are you sure you're okay to drive at night? It's night?!

Grandpa:Tommy Dorsey's All-White Orchestra... to a time when girls were girls and a Hershey bar was as thick as a phone book

Grandpa:I'm sick of this song! / I don't like this one either... too optimistic! Too slow! Too fast! No zazz! Too much zazz! More boogie! Less woogie! My back hurts! All my friends are dead!

Bart · Grandpa:Nice one. Thanks. Oh, no, we're gonna die.

Grandpa:Eventually I'll die in your home, which'll hurt the resale value

Grandpa:I was having the most wonderful dream. I always wake up just before the good part.

Lisa · Quimby:The money helps us serve the community. We plant trees, pick up litter, cut up milk bones for old dogs... / It was rhetorical question. / And I used rhetoric in my answer?

Quimby:We spent all our money on that new slogan for Springfield.

Quimby · Lisa:If you don't give me those cookies, I'll pass a law forcing your organization to accept gay scout leaders. / I would strongly support that measure.

Homer:do you mean really broke, or uh, 'O.J. Simpson broke'?

Quimby:I've been reduced to using this cheap novelty gavel. Order! Order! [gavel breaks]

Homer:So I say we roll up our sleeves, and fake a disaster to trick the federal government out of relief money.

Moe:Rip off the federal government? Mmm, I have reservations... for dinner in five minutes.

FEMA Official · Quimby:Now, when exactly did the hurricane pass through your town? Er, uh, five minutes ago. You just missed it.

Quimby:And that's how a fake FEMA official scammed us out of $2,500. We are now worse than broke.

Tax Official:Everyone from... Comic Book Guy to... Milhouse! No one shall be spared!

Lurleen · Kermit:Bunk with me tonight, Kermit / Bunk with me tonight... / Uh, really, Lurleen?

Bart:Dad was Colonel Homer and he wore that awesome suit and Lurleen wanted to bunk his brains out!

Marge:Kids, marriage is like a car. Along the way it has its bumps and dings, and this country can't make one that lasts more than five years.

News Reporter:With penalties, interest and the celebrity resentment tax, that sum has grown to $12 million.

Homer:I told her not to go into one of those.

News Reporter · Crowd:Not for any reward, but for the pleasure of destroying someone they once admired. Save some for me!

Krusty · Crowd Member:Got her! / Krusty? / I just want to win one thing in my life! / It's not real. / Don't you dare ruin the moment!

Homer · Lurleen:Look at those idiots. I bet Lurleen's a million miles away right now. / Hey, Homer.

Lurleen:Shh! I'm more wanted than the last petal on a bloomin' onion.

Homer · Lurleen · Marge · Possum:You live here? / Well, at least she's got a friend. / It's your turn to clean the toilet. / Where is it? / You're holding it.

Lurleen:Oh, it's a traditional Southern recipe: ketchup, Coca-Cola, and fricasseed possum. Just kiddin'. It's actually chicken.

Lurleen · Marge:Confederate degenerate? Southern-fried succubus? Hee-haw ho?

Lou · Wiggum:Chief, you okay? / Yeah, yeah. / Why'd you jump off the roof? / I just wanted to be extraordinary.

Bailiff · Judge:Well, I thought if we acted like The People's Court, some day we'd be The People's Court. And, uh, well, a bailiff can dream, can't he? / No, he can't.

Homer:Did it go up your nose? Between your toes?

Lisa:Boy, you sure have married a lot of super-hunks.

Moe · Manuel:All right, I need you to get the rats outta the jukebox, and clean the vomit out of the pool table pockets, and then you got the job. / Oh, and you've gotta share your tips with Manuel, who's, uh, actually me with a fake moustache. Es good job. You should take it.

Moe:Oh, and you've gotta share your tips with Manuel, who's, uh, actually me with a fake moustache. Es good job. You should take it.

Barney · Lurleen:Say, Lurleen, are you Jamaican? 'Cause 'Jamaican' me crazy. / That's sweet, but I'm not lookin' to date. / No, I'm glad you said that. 'Cause you reminded me that I'm not looking a David.

Carl · Lurleen:Hey, Lurleen, I'm going down to the rock quarry tonight to throw stones at the woodchucks. Want to come? / No. / That's okay. I understand. Someone's lookin' at a snake in her mailbox.

Homer:She turned down Lenny and Carl? That's like someone who doesn't like hamburgers or hot dogs. What could make her hate men like that?

Homer:How could a man just abandon his family? By which I mean, what is the method he would use, and could anyone do it?

Homer · Cho Lum Kin:I've talked to over 500 men named Lumpkin. Everyone at Lumpkin, Lumpkin and Rosenthal Associates, an Asian or Pacific Islander named Cho Lum Kin... Good luck in searchings!

Royce:Lurleen? I ain't seen my little girl in 30 years. She must be what, uh, 12, 13 by now?

Royce:Oh, man. I better whiskey up these corn flakes. / She needs to see you right away! / Oh, man. I better heroin up this orange juice.

Royce:Lurleen?! My goodness. Why, you're the spittin' image of your mother's hotter sister!

Royce:Can you forgive me, Lurleen? The way that I immediately forgave myself?

Homer:I made that hug happen! Wait a minute. He's a deadbeat dad, and yet, he's getting as much love as me, a dad too lazy to run away!

Homer · Bart:Bart, get me my suicide axe. / No suicide axe! / Later.

Lurleen · Royce:You know what I like best about this T-shirt? I'll always be able to see your face. / Oh, well, you don't need a T-shirt for that, Tootsie Pop, 'cause I ain't ever gonna leave you again.

Royce · Bart · Lisa:Just sit still in my lap! / What lap? / Yeah, all I see is a gut with knees!

Homer · Marge:Lurleen's daddy comes back after 30 years, and he's father of the year. Why can't I leave for 30 years? / Fine with me. Look, I packed you a bag. / it might be cold outside. / No problem. I bought you a hat.

Homer:Oh, I see. It's reverse psychology. Well, in that case, I'm not going, and I'm not staying. And I'll cut my steak with a spoon, then take a walk on the ceiling.

Homer:Well, in that case, I'm not going, and I'm not staying. And I'll cut my steak with a spoon, then take a walk on the ceiling.

Lurleen:Oh, Daddy, you made me the happiest girl on whichever side of the Mississippi this is.

Lurleen:Daddy's a deadbeat / He's leaving his daughter again.

Marge:Since her father re-abandoned her, she's cut the word 'pop' out of all of our foods.

Lisa:You'd think a house full of crazy people would be fun. It's actually really depressing.

DJ:Here's a new song that's rising faster than a rocket with a rocket up its butt.

Lurleen · Marge · Homer:You're married to a kind, thoughtful genius. / Uh, yeah... / Marge, my fringes are knotted again.

Marge · Lurleen:There's only one person in the world who can tell you what to do. And that person is right here! / Santa Claus?! / No, no, that's just our old Christmas decorations.

Marge:You're not a doormat. You're a door prize!

Homer:Regular movies... don't hold your breath. But TV movies... the sky's the limit.

Lurleen · Homer:Colonel, you're still my knight in white polyester. / Ten percent Lycra. / Oh, I noticed.

Dixie Chicks · Royce:I don't know. You're asking us to sell out our song. And for what? / Cash money. / Money? Ooh, we love money! / Really? That's great! / I'm gonna buy me a clock radio!

Royce · Dixie Chicks · Dixie Chick:Cash money. / Money? Ooh, we love money! / Really? That's great! I'm gonna buy me a clock radio!

Royce · Dixie Chicks:Okay, maybe I abandoned my daughter and stole her song, but I'm still the most honorable record producer y'all have ever met. / Well, he's got us there.

New Guy · Lurleen:Babe, need a hundred bucks for beer. / Ooh, I think he's a keeper.

Marge · Lurleen:Of all the women who've hit on Homer over the years, you're my favorite. / If you ever come near Homer again, I'll strangle you with your own hair extensions. That's right. I know.