Take My Life Please

Announcer · Crowd:legendary 20% tipper... (crowd gasps)

Barney:You're better than us!

Homer:Sunday's the Lord's day, boy, not God's. Completely different guy.

Homer:A simpler time when the only thing we worried about was total nuclear annihilation.

Principal Dondelinger:Please hold your applause forever.

Homer:I spent all night working on that speech, but now I realize the best thing to do is speak from my heart... Um, um, 'Webster's defines--' Um, 'In the words of Ted Nugent--'

Principal Dondelinger:I've never heard a speech so bad. Ten days detention!

Principal Dondelinger · Homer:Anyone who votes for Vance gets a half-day tomorrow. Mm, half-day, eh?

Vance Connor:Uh, there they are, my favorite mixed-race couple.

Vance Connor:Behind this smile is a bigger smile trying to get out. Oh, oh, here it comes! Oh, yeah.

Vance Connor:No, actually they're like two leather clouds.

Moe:Like Vance, it is smooth, cool and oh, so sophisticated.

Lenny · Carl:He gave me one of his kidneys. Yeah, me, too.

Carl:About how we give each other haircuts? No, we'll take that secret to our graves.

Principal Dondelinger:Okay, but screw this up, and it's Carnegie-Mellon University for the both of you!

Al Gore:Homer, I had a presidential election stolen from me. But I moved on, and I think you could say everything worked out all right. Isn't that right, Alfred? (speaking in a falsetto, as Alfred Nobel): It sure is, Albert.

Lenny:California casual or business attire? California casual. (gulps)

Homer · Lenny:The ballot box?! No, this is the box that tells us where the ballot box is.

Homer:What will this box reveal? And what will I use this box for afterwards? Mismatched bolts and nuts? Recipes? I may never know.

Homer · Lisa:Homer Simpson. Woo-hoo! Vance Connor. D'oh! Please stop doing that. 'D'oh!' or 'woo-hoo!'? Both.

Homer:Marge, I still would be married to you, but you would just be hotter.

Homer:And the taking of a life is murder. And the punishment for murder is-- well, it varies from state to state and by race.

Homer:And tell him I know what he did last summer... 22 years ago... in the winter!

Groundskeeper Willie:No other foursome would have me. My legs gross people out.

Homer · Bart:Yes! I want him to know that if your life doesn't turn out the way you want there's someone else to blame! Oh, I already knew that, Dad. I'm going to blame you.

Homer:Virgin? What are you, a girl?

Unknown students:Hey, what if we got everyone to vote for him, as a joke, and he won? Then we could laugh at him all the way through high school and at every reunion.

Homer:You denied me my dream, so I'm angry. But you did it out of kindness, so I'm grateful. I'm filled with respect and contempt for you!

Principal Dondelinger:I would steal school chalk for my home chalkboard.

Principal Dondelinger:The brown-haired girl gave me a look. The redhead in the park was reading a book. The girl at the airport upgraded my car. Tonight I wonder just where you are.

Bart:Yeah, I can actually see your hands. They're not just a blur.

Luigi:Oh, you could know... if you dared. In the kitchen is a man from the old country who works for me. He stirs the sauce-a.

Lisa · Luigi:Also, as a vegetarian, I hope there's not meat in that sauce. Any other orders, Mussolini?

Students:Our president's a real loser! Yeah. A loser... like us! He proves you don't have to be popular to have everyone like you!

Restaurant patron:Hey, everyone! The stupid fat man is talking to garlic bread!

Homer:'Color My World,' 'Disco Sucks' and Butthead the Goat.

Homer:They're too big to fail.

Homer:Forget it, Marge. A girl like you could never land a Homer Simpson.

Debbie:Nobody's ever asked me to use my head-brain before!

Debbie:I was going to let you get to fifth base. It would've been something you told your grandchildren about.

Homer:Marge, the way I feel about you is as real and lasting as my hairline.

Patty or Selma:I don't know, but in this reality, I am not gay!

Mr. Burns:7-G? Let the Lennys and the Carls of the world waste their wretched lives in that testicle-shriveling torture chamber. Son, you'll be working in... Sector 6-F!

Grandpa:Oh, I can't complain and I never do!

Grandpa:Oh, I can't complain and I never do! Thanks for letting me live in your guest house.

Marge:You used protection. We never had any.

sauce stirrer:If you could live in the sauce, don't you think I would live in the sauce? Stupid-o!

Luigi's worker:If you could live in the sauce, don't you think I would live in the sauce? Stupid-o!

Lisa:Are you kidding? We couldn't even convince you that Bruce Wayne is Batman.

Homer:He's too busy socializing at cocktail parties and managing the affairs of the Wayne foundation.

Bart:Why does he think Alfred's friends with Batman?

Homer:It's like bringing Richard Nixon to the Watergate. Or Kevin Costner to Waterworld.

Homer:Well, we can't all be Homer Simpson, son.