In The Name Of The Grandfather

Bart · Lisa · Marge:A home and garden show? Mom, you said we were going to a video game expo! / You told me we were gonna pick up trash by the freeway!

Homer:You told me something, but I wasn't listening!

Bart · Lisa:There's a day we'll never get back. / I was so bored.

Homer:Look! A welcome mat that tells you you're weight.

Welcome Mat:Your weight is... Warranty voided.

Homer:The Sprinkle King, Sprinkle Queen, and Deluxe Sprinkle King are the Simon and Garfunkel plus one of hose nozzle dispersal arrays.

Homer:What is that soothing sound? Maybe it's beef stew!

Homer:Getting a back rub from an orgasm.

Bart:I'll be less stressed! And I'm really friggin' stressed!

Homer:Now I know why lobsters let out that joyful squeal when they're dropped in the pot.

Marge:We're starting to attract swingers.

Homer:Now with an opposing point of view, bubbles!

Homer · Flanders:Afraid you'll get your mustache wet? Well, yes.

Homer:Funny word, urgent. Urgent. Urgent.

Homer:Probably a reminder to relax more.

Unknown:They're blanks, Abe.

Grandpa:While you were lying here soaking like a bunch of dirty dishes, I was lonelier than Estes Kefauver at a meeting of Murder Incorporated!

Grandpa:That actually makes sense. Look it up!

Homer:Oh, Dad! I never knew you had dreams or emotions.

Homer:Who said anything about a jar?

Homer · Grandpa:Pitch in a negro league. I can at least think of at least two problems with that.

Tour Guide:Welcome to Ireland. Also known as the Emerald Isle, Potatoville, East Boston, Freckled Bog, the Land of Poetry, and the Land of Bad Poetry.

Tour Guide · Kathy Ireland:On your left, you'll see Western Ireland. On your right, you'll see Kathy Ireland. Hi, everyone!

Marge:Dunkilderry is so quaint. It looks like the puzzle at the pediatrician's office.

Bart:In your face, Belgium!

Marge:Bart, if you hate Belgium so much, maybe I should take your Tintins away!

Bart:No, I'll be good!

Tom O'Flanagan:Run! Run you big sack of glue!

Tom O'Flanagan:It's been years since I've sold so much as a 'pint.'

Homer · Tom O'Flanagan:Don't you mean pint? / It's been so long, I've forgotten how to say it!

Tom O'Flanagan:It's a joke to even call this place a 'pube.'

Lisa:Such a beautiful language.

Tom O'Flanagan:Here's some Bushmills whiskey, served in a potato, floating in a Guinness stout.

Guinness Tour Guide:Who would like to know our secret recipe? I'm not going to tell you. Sure, if I did, it wouldn't be a secret.

Guinness Tour Guide · Homer:Well. You may know the ingredients, but you don't know the ratio. / 50-50?

Immigration Officer · Immigrants:From now on, you're Francis *. / Bill Jones. / Seamus Fitzpatrick. / You're Liam Fitzpatrick, and you're brothers with him. / I said you're brothers! I didn't say you got along!

Marge:But I'm not sure I like the idea of getting a gift in return for kissing. What kind of a message is that for Lisa and Maggie?

Marge:Except for Stone Phillips. Do you have one of him here? If so, he's our your him.

Bart:K-I-S-S M-Y A-S-S spells kiss my ass.

Grandpa:I just had a nightmare! That I was back with your mother! Oh, how I miss her.

Tom O'Flanagan:I have to say, for blind drunks, you had a excellent knowledge of Irish real estate law.

Homer:This brandy is fifty years old! Better toss it.

Irish Man · Homer:I'm in AA. / Who are you? Stuttering Fonzie?

Homer · Grandpa:Our first sale. / Our first refund.

Irish businessman:I'm late for a teleconference in Hong Kong, you fat gob!

Homer · Lisa:Ireland doesn't like pubs anymore. It's as if Danish people stopped liking sleek modern design. / Bite your tongue! That will never ever happen!

Moe:You wanna slow dance with a goat, I'll be doing a lot of things, but judging ain't one of them.

Moe:The law? That jerk!

Moe:All I remember about him is he was part of a complete breakfast.

Homer:Well, Da. It looks like all your 'dur' have come 'ter.'

Homer:Look at all this Euro dough. These shamrock sure love their tobaccy.

Police Officer:Throw them in the potty wagon. I mean the us wagon.

Homer:America is the New York Yankees of countries. Powerful and respected until the year 2000.

Homer:Knute Rockne, Larry Bird and especially Mr. Potato Head.

Homer:So I hope you'll forgive two well-meaning Americans for trying to take Ireland back to the good old days of Angela's Ashes.

Irish Judge:It got a lot nicer since we sent all our incompetent half-wits to America. Where you, for some reason, made them police officers.

Chief Wiggum:Oh, Jesus. / Better put a little ouchy spray on it.

Chief Wiggum:Boy! I better call for some backup. This is unit 19--