The Good The Sad And The Drugly

Bart · Milhouse:Did you unscrew all the Phillips heads? Check. Did you unscrew all the flat-heads? Yep. And now we wait.

Bart:Now go hide the evidence while I walk around saying, (GASPING) 'What happened? Who would do such a thing?'

Skinner · Groundskeeper Willie:I'd recognize those discolored Hush Puppies anywhere. Hear that? He thinks my Try 'N Save brand Shush Mutts are genuine Hush Puppies.

Principal Skinner:Hard to believe one lad can cause all this mayhem. Particularly a lad who failed Introduction to Unscrewing.

Principal Skinner:And I don't buy this lone prankster theory. I think there was a second fun man.

Principal Skinner:Milhouse, you realize if you're suspended, you'll be missing Taco Wednesday? Crunchy shell, ground beef, lettuce, mild sauce and, of course, shredded Cheddar cheese. Mmm-mmm.

Principal Skinner:Willie, take him to the big house where he lives.

Groundskeeper Willie:Suspended boy walking!

Milhouse:I'm grounded and spend all day listening to my dad yell at Mad Money w/ Jim Cramer. You said tech stocks were bulletproof!

Marge:You know, I think Milhouse is El Barto.

Bart:So, Grampa, not like I'm anxious to go, but I've been here 10 minutes, which is like seven hours in kid years.

Retirement home residents:It's her! The little girl who doesn't recoil at the sight of us!

Jenny:Chocolate chip for Donald. Low sodium for Abe. Not made by immigrants for Sam, and imaginary for Major Preston.

Major Preston:With this cookie, I can buy back Private O'Malley from the Zulus.

Bart · Jenny:You put ex-lax in the cookies, then just sit back and watch the fireworks? I would never do that! Oh, right. I was thinking of other things that are hilarious. Like things that you think are funny.

Bart:She had more curves than a Hot Wheels track. Well, she didn't yet, but she would after puberty.

Lisa:Math, done. Pinecone, collected. Permission slip, signed. Now time for a break, a little social studies.

Nelson:Whoa! She gets to use the real scissors. Nice.

Nelson:Punch her in her arm. Or if you're really serious, stick gum in her hair. Here, I always come prepared. Take two. You might get lucky.

Nelson:Boy, you make it look effortless. And that kid's giving you zero pump.

Bart:You'd love my PB & J. The secret is no PB, double J.

Bart · Groundskeeper Willie:Willie, I've got a girlfriend! Really? Well, I do, too. She's a bikini model from Sweden.

Willie · Inga:Willie, darling, come back to bed. Don't you love me? Don't compete with my job, Inga. You'll never win.

Ralph:In 50 years, the vacuum cleaner will be quiet and not scary.

Lisa:Oh, Ralph, how I envy your optimism. There is no Springfield 50 years in the future!

Lisa:With global warming trapping the CO2 inside our poisonous atmosphere, our super-heated oceans will rise, drowning our lowlands, leaving what's left of humanity baking in deserts that once fed the world!

Teacher:Lisa, your outburst was either a sign of deep emotional imbalance or a passionate response to a sobering truth. Luckily, the treatment for both is intensive therapy.

Teacher:Oh, I don't know. But when you go, could you return this Sports Illustrated for me? Someone must've put it in my bag. They do that, you know? They're always putting things in my bag.

Bart:I spend a lot of time working with this mentally challenged guy. Why, here he is now. Looking good, Homer! Just wait.

Homer:Don't shake your fist at me! Look, man. I don't want any trouble. Come on. Here. Just take my wallet. Leave me alone, okay?

Bart:Do you know who else was really into rowboats? Jesus. And he could've turned his rowboat into a jet ski, but he didn't. Good guy.

Bart:Oh. You want your duckling back? Here it is. Psych! That'll teach you to match wits with us, you stupid mother duck!

Shauna:Either the duck suffers or the kid does or none of you's getting nothing from Shauna. I'm Shauna.

Jenny:Oh, Bart, if those ducklings understood how magnificent you were, they'd stop biting your leg.

Doctor:Let me show you how Ignorital works. It turns this to this! Huh?

Marge · Homer:Lisa's a little young to be taking happy pills. Marge, we came to an appointment in the middle of the day. That's the most a parent can do.

Marge · Bart:What's your angle, mister? No angle. If this girl I'm seeing comes here, and she might, I wouldn't mind if you told her I was the kind of boy that does the dishes.

Marge:Yeah. Busboys get all the chicks.

Lisa · Homer:Well, off to school where they'll prepare our little minds for a future we'll never see. Sounds like someone's got a case of the Mondays.

Bart:So this is setting the table. If I'd known how easy this was, I'd have just done it instead of throwing all those tantrums.

Marge:Oh, Bart, I don't care that this is just an act. You've finally become the boy every mother dreams of, a girl!

Lisa:Hello, smiley face. Hello, smiley face!

Marge · Jenny:Jenny, it's amazing what you've done with my son. Well, I think Bart is an incredible combination of Habitat for Humanity and the Jonas Brothers, and nothing can ever change my opinion about him.

Homer:We don't have any money! Go away! May I de-corn your cob, my darling?

Milhouse:Bart, I learned some great new swear words from my uncle. He has got a broken back, so he's in constant pain. Bart, would you be interested in swears?

Bart:Yes, because only by knowing them can you prevent bad little kids from saying them.

Bart · Milhouse:Milhouse, real best friends often don't speak for years at a time, like John Adams and Thomas Jefferson. Just because you saw one episode of one miniseries doesn't mean you get to use it as a whip!

Milhouse:Oh, I get it. It's love. I guess you've found your Abigail Adams. My who? So I'll be on my way. I can see I'm the fifth wheel on this bicycle with training wheels.

Ned · Reverend Lovejoy:Reverend, care for some of my devil's food cake? Is that really devil's food? No. It's angel food with chocolate on top. Mmm-hmm. I knew it.

Bart · Jenny:We should be safe from Milhouse here. Being at sea level gives him nosebleeds. Milhouse is funny. The way he's always shaking me by the shoulders and saying I don't know the real you. Funny.

Milhouse:Well, you can't bleed out your nose when your heart's broken.

Bart:I'm only pretending to be good. Before I met you, I was El Barto, Skinner's Bane, the Sultan of Spit Wads, the Dean of D-Minus, the Ay Caramba Kid!

Jenny · Bart:Are you saying our entire relationship is based on lies? Not our entire relationship. Just the stuff I said.

Apu:Whatever you are looking for, it is not at the bottom of a 512-ounce cup of Shrek Berry Blast.

Apu:What is at the bottom is this dumb Shrek trivia quiz, which if answered correctly, entitles you to 10% off any Shrek DVD, except the first two.

Bart · Apu:Okay, I... What happened to my roses, Apu? You said you'd watch them while I shopped. No such conversation took place.

Customer:Grandma, a lot has happened. I went to a condo presentation. I put down my deposit. But then they lost funding mid-project. That crane just sits there every day, rusting.

Milhouse · Willie:Smooth and slippery. Thank you, Zamboni King.