Chalmers

Chalmers:We're dropping the geography requirement. The children weren't testing well. It was proving to be an embarrassment.

Skinner · Chalmers:Very good. Back to the three 'R's.' Two 'R's' come October.

Skinner · Chalmers:What do you think of the banners? Transparent toadying. They were the children's idea. I tried to stop them.

Chalmers · Skinner:It's always the children's fault, isn't it, Seymour? Yes. Yes, it is, sir.

Chalmers:Imagine-- a school out there with no bullies. Science geeks not getting beat up. Kids using their lunch money for food. I can't take it! [Grunts]

Lunch Lady Doris · Chalmers:May I interest you in a Jell-O brick, sir? There's a grape in the center. Well, I'm not made of stone.

Chalmers:You're not made of stone. [Chuckles] A brick and you're not made of... stone.

Skinner · Chalmers:Well, let's, uh, pick one at random. Mmm, how about that one? You mean this boy here? No! No. Lisa Simpson.

Chalmers · Lisa:When was the Battle of New Orleans? January 8, 1815. Two weeks after the war ended.

Chalmers · Skinner:Did that boy say, 'What's a battle?' He said, 'What's that rattle?' About the heating duct.

Chalmers · Skinner:Oh, so you would hear 'R's' as 'B's'? Yes. I understand.

Chalmers:Excellent. Not a trace of urine. Seymour, you run a tight ship.

Skinner · Chalmers:Well, you know what they say, sir. 'Where there's no smoke, there's no fire.' What an odd remark.

Chalmers · Bart · Nelson:Why, that looks like a 50-cent piece. I'll just bend over and get it. [Yelling] Seems to be caught... between these two flowers. [More Yelling]

Chalmers · Skinner:Seymour, I was thinking of promoting you to assistant superintendent. But, instead, that plum goes to Holloway. No. But, sir, he's a drunk. And a pill-popper.

Chalmers · Lunch Lady Doris:And why is a cafeteria worker posing as a nurse? I get two paychecks this way. D'oh.

Skinner · Agnes · Chalmers:I must say, I've had a lovely evening, Agnes. I don't suppose I could come in for a cup of- - Seymour! - Mother. Superintendent Chalmers! - Skinner!

Skinner · Chalmers:Aurora borealis... at this time of year, at this time of day, in this part of the country, localized entirely within your kitchen?

Chalmers:Aurora borealis at this time of year... at this time of day in this part of the country... localized entirely within your kitchen?

Skinner · Chalmers:Yes... May I see it? ...No.

Skinner · Chalmers:Yes. - May I see it? - No.

Chalmers:you are an odd fellow... but I must say you steam a good ham.

Chalmers:Holy jumping Caesar's catfish!

Chalmers:My 'H' has been stolen! Oh! That's how people know it's a Honda!

Chalmers:What's the point of having a Honda if you can't show it off?

Chalmers:This school was once classified... the most dilapidated in all of Missouri. That's why it was shut down and moved here, brick by brick

Chalmers:No napkin could wipe the crumbs of failure from your mouth!

Chalmers:That's what you said about the stuffed peppers, and you lost the young males!

Chalmers:She's captured their imagination like a bright piece of construction paper.

Skinner · Chalmers:Boy, she'll believe anything. 'Key release boilerplate'? I find that very hard to believe. Mmm-hmm. And yet there it is.

Chalmers:Why don't you just give me a sandwich board that says 'male prostitute'?

Chalmers · Citizen:Would you be willing to pay an extra $1.23 in taxes to fund them? No way! I'm saving for a speedboat.

Chalmers · Skinner:Skinner offering his Merkur car filled with Burger King cups and wrappers as replacement

Chalmers:Potato masher's stuck in the small spoon slot. What kind of madman would do that?

Chalmers:Skinner. Skinner. Skinner.

Chalmers:I can use the potty now.

Skinner · Chalmers:Today? Of course I know. Happy birthday... / It's not my birthday, Seymour. You know I'm a Sagittarius.

Skinner · Chalmers:Really? I'm a Libra. We're very compatible. / Skinner, you can be gay on your own time.

Chalmers · Skinner:I expect it to be like cats and dogs in here. / Sir, the school has a strict policy against animals. I assume you're speaking hypothetically about cats and dogs?

Chalmers:It's like a school fundraiser wrapped in slang!

Chalmers · Vendor:Very well. I assume these snacks are nutritious? / That's not our concern. The point is half the money goes to the school.

Chalmers · Atkins:You're in Scottsdale? I'm in Scottsdale! At the Hyatt room 381! Get outta here! I'm in 502! Hey, do you guys have any ice buckets down there? No, we've been using shower caps.

Skinner · Chalmers · Skinner · Chalmers:Don't worry, I have a plan: Pretend I agree with them. / Well, you'd better hurry. Look what they've done to your car. / No, that's how it always looks. / How sad.

Chalmers:Yes, yes, yes, I said 'diarrhea.'

Chalmers:Plus our last bake sale was a disaster. People took bites without buying the cookies.

Chalmers:I warn you, young lady, we can fumfur all day.

Skinner · Chalmers:How do we gag a blabbermouth like Lisa?

Skinner · Chalmers:Would she shut her trap For a gift card from the Gap?

Lisa · Chalmers:You have a lovely voice, sir. Why do you have to make everything weird?

Chalmers:But it did happen. Just yesterday, in Crazytown!

Chalmers:Students may spend up to ten points per day in up to four of seven categories. Unused points roll over week to week but not month to month. Categories not included: meat, dairy, vegetables...

Chalmers:It's not funny; these movements are involuntary.

Chalmers · Skinner:By law, the most we can give him is a ten-day suspension. / Well, that's long to a kid!

Chalmers:I'm thrilled! Or would have been, if not for your knee-jerk assumption that I'm angry at you, which I am now.

Chalmers:The whole school is made up of modeling clay. Every afternoon, they reshape it just to get my goat.

Chalmers:Banff? Banff, Shmanff. I'm talking about Sundance!

Chalmers:If Lisa's movie gets in, we won't just be the school with the highest hamster mortality rate. Ah, so young. We'll also have a kid who did a thing.

Chalmers:Why can't you be a gentle clinker?

Skinner · Chalmers:What is in this coffee?! Mm-hmm.

Chalmers · Skinner:If I die, I want you to take over... Really? ...the search committee for a new superintendent.