News Anchor

News Anchor:On the lighter side of news, and I use the term loosely....

News Anchor:remember, the presidential primaries... are only a few months away. Hey, if you don't like it, go to Russia.

News Anchor:''Tapping'' into the ''spines'' of young voters, huh?

News Anchor:Tonight the city weeps... as for the first time ever... a hockey arena becomes the scene of violence... following a concert by Spinal Tap.

News Anchor:It would be wrong to suggest... this sort of mayhem began with rock and roll. After all, there were riots... at the premiere of Mozart's The Magic Flute. So, what's the answer-- ban all music? In this reporter's opinion, the answer is yes.

News anchor:Lisa Simpson is no longer Little Miss Springfield. She was stripped of her crown in a ceremony earlier today. Well, that's obviously the wrong footage. Uh, but it does seem the father of the deposed beauty queen, Homer Simpson... filled out the pageant application incorrectly. In the area under 'Do not write in this space,' he wrote, 'Okay.'

News anchor:And now, my exclusive interview with His Holiness, Pope John Paul I. That's it. I cannot work under these conditions. If anybody wants me, I'll be downstairs at McDougal's. Call the weekend guy. I don't care.

News Anchor · Reporter:Early reports indicate one of the fighters is a giant lizard. Do we have a source on this? A bunch of drunken frat boys.

News anchor:At the risk of editorializing, these women are guilty and must be dealt with in a harsh and brutal fashion. Otherwise, their behavior could incite other women, leading to anarchy of biblical proportions. It's in Revelations, people!

News anchor:It turns out the rest home was adequately heated. The footage you saw was of a fur-storage facility. We've also been told to apologize for using the term 'geezers.'

News anchor:Now, coming up next, 'The Case of the Cantankerous Old Geezer.'

News Anchor:The government calls it the army. But a more alarmist name would be: The Kill-bot Factory

News Anchor:Warning: Tickets should not be taken internally. See? Because of me, now they have a warning.

News Anchor:The Falkland Islands have just been invaded. I repeat, the Falklands have just been invaded!

News Anchor:For Joe Quimby, 1 percent. And we remind you, there is a 1-percent margin of error.

News Anchor:And like Icarus, the rocket foolishly soared too high and lost control of its servo-guidance mechanism

News anchor:Heather Locklear Fortensky remains at large.

News Anchor:In today's news, a 2-ton rhino escaped from the Springfield Zoo. But zoo officials were quick to act...and Petunia, as she is known, is safely back in captivity. In other news, a 3-ton rhino...that escaped from the zoo last week is still at large.

News Anchor:I'll bet whoever gave him those dogs is kicking themselves now.

News Anchor:dogs that were mistakenly issued major credit cards and others who weren't so lucky.

News Anchor:By a nearly two-to-one vote, the smiling Krusty was chosen.

News anchor:Here comes the endangered condor into the power lines.

News Anchor:Looks like you were wrong when you called him a washed-up deviant, Laurie. All right. Make sure my iguana's okay.

News Anchor:Tensions continue to mount between Springfield and France... over Mayor Quimby's now-famous frog's legs joke!

News Anchor:Excuse my editorial laugh. [Laughs] But-

News Anchor:Little girl... likes her brain. What's your opinion?

News anchor:Doctors say he may not have the mega-nutrients needed to stave off death.

News Anchor:That was your idea. This brilliant innovation is expected to generate millions... for Edison's already-wealthy heirs.

News anchor:It seems the rapacious reptiles have developed a taste for the common pigeon... also known as the feathered rat, or gutterbird.

News Anchor:Filthy old bartender Moe Szyslak has watered down his last highball.

News Anchor:A spokesman attributed the production shutdown to a half-witted oaf.

News Anchor:The ozone hole that devastated Brazil last summer is apparently wintering in Springfield. Whoo! Springfield rocks!

News Anchor:Experts recommend a class nine or Robin Williams level of hair coverage

News anchor:Gray, bottlenosed, intelligent Italians.

News Anchor:The group is led by teenage activist Jesse Grass... a 'dreadlocked' dreamboat whose 'Birken stock' is on the rise.

News Anchor:Excuse me. That's 'littlest' tree hugger. And whether you love or hate her politics... you've gotta go gawk at this crazy idiot.

News Anchor:Excuse me. That's 'littlest' tree hugger. And whether you love or hate her politics... you've gotta go gawk at this crazy idiot.

News anchor · Homer:After plunging 75 points this morning. Oh. I hope 'plunging' means 'up' and '75' means '200.'

News anchor:The firm declared super-duper bankruptcy... which is terrible news for the company's only stockholder, Homer Simpson.

News Anchor:Well, according to our audience insta-poll, 46% say you're too old, and 37% say she's a skank.

News Anchor:We'll be right back with a special report on soccer moms who hate soccer.

News Anchor:Oh, Lord, I'm so fat, aah. [VOMITING]

News anchor:3M and M&M have merged to form, get this, Ultradyne Systems

News anchor:3M and M&M have merged... to form, get this, Ultradyne Systems.

News anchor:In a related story, the Spellympics is being sued by the Olympics... for use of the suffix 'lympics.'

News anchor:This has gotta be the slowest news day ever. Ah, that's better. Paris is no more.

News Anchor:For each year, on the third Tuesday of May sweeps...we witness the return of the stinging red jellyfish.

News Anchor:What a sight. It happens every year...like the swallows returning to Capistrano. Or the Fox network getting a new president.

News Anchor · Ned:This was followed three hours later by a quickie divorce. Ah. I bet we would have lasted twice that long.

News anchor:The angry president woke up, crawled out of his grave and went back to work.

News Anchor:Pie-- popular pastry, tricky math thing, and now sword of righteousness.

News Anchor:Yo, yo, yo. Here now the nizzews. The top artists in hip-hop are coming to Springfield.

News Anchor:Da Glock Pointaz, Romeo Smoov, Queen Booty Shaykah, M.C. Champagne Millionaire, and Assault Weapons magazine's Man of the Year, Alcatraaaz

News anchor:The postal service is sending a change of address card... to itself.

News Anchor · Newshound:Looks like Newshound, the Channel Six mascot, is gonna have to go without his lazy-eye surgery. Sorry, boy. No, I'm over here. Over here! I got a treat for you. Oh! Now he's gonna starve.

News Anchor:America has a tradition of turning outlaws into legends after their deaths: Billy the Kid, Bonnie and Clyde, Jesus Christ.

News Anchor:A veritable who's who ha-ha.