Tour Guide

Tour guide · Bart:'On this spot, Richard Nixon bowled back-to-back 300 games.' - Yeah, right.

Bart Simpson · Tour guide:That doesn't look like her body. The torso used to be Dr. Ruth. Her head is on a pike in the Chamber of Horrors.

Tour Guide:It was the most beautiful, most expensive train ever built-- the Spruce Caboose. Some people said it was too big to stay on the tracks. They were right.

Tour Guide · Crowd:Now, I'm sure all of you have heard the rumors that a batch of Duff was contaminated with strychnine. / Strychnine? / Well, everyone's talking about it. It was even on CNN last night.

Tour Guide:The man never drank a Duff in his life.

Tour Guide · Homer:What does the future hold for Duff? / Like what? / I'd rather not get into it right now. / Why not? / All right. We don't have any ideas for the future. We got nothing. Happy? / No.

Tour Guide · Phil:Let me just say you're doin' a great job, Phil. / Hey, thanks a lot. That makes it all worthwhile.

Bart · tour guide:Do any of these boxes have candy in 'em? No. Will they ever? No. We only make boxes to ship nails.

student · tour guide:When will we be able to see a finished box, sir? Oh, we don't assemble them here. That's done in Flint, Michigan.

Bart · tour guide:Any of your workers had their hands cut off by machinery? No. And then the hand started crawling around and tried to strangle everybody? No, that has never happened. Any popped eyeballs?

tour guide:This room is the most popular part of our tour. It's just like the other rooms. Yes, but with one important difference. Oh. We took that out. Yes, it is just like the other rooms.

student · tour guide:What's that building over there? That's just a TV studio where they film Krusty the Clown and other non-box-related programs. Since it has nothing to do with boxes, I'll just shut these blinds.

tour guide:Now, here's my office. If you'll direct your eyes to the floor, you'll see a yellow line. Follow it. It will lead you around my desk and back out the door.

Tour Guide:But it's a good thing we're not firing it because it happens to be aimed at the main support leg of that lookout tower.

Tour Guide:People don't realize that these cannons are very sensitive and the slightest jolt could set them off. Of course, for safety reasons we don't keep the cannon loaded. It's just common sense.

Principal Valiant · Skinner · Tour Guide:Here's the admission, plus something for you. See that they get a little extra education. Yes, sir, Principal Valiant! He thinks he's so hot ever since he swept the Princi Awards. Those things are rigged.

Tour Guide:On May 21, 1864, the men of the 9th Bearded Infantry were sunning and fluffing their beards in the sun.

Tour Guide:Fort Springfield, we surrender unconditionally! We're sick! We need leeches and hacksaws to saw off our gangrenous limbs. But the Springfield brigade was too brave to accept their surrender.

Tour Guide:Come on, boys. Those white flags are no match for our muskets! Charge! And the Springfielders heroically slaughtered their enemies as they prayed for mercy.

Tour Guide:Hey, they're trying to learn for free!

Tour Guide · Skinner · Otto:Get them! Use your phony guns as clubs! Run, children. Start the bus, Otto! Start the bus! Damn! I shouldn't have eaten the mint first.

Tour Guide:The cider mill operated continuously until 1941... when its workers left to fight in the Second World War. When they returned, the old girl was just as they'd left her... only now she was infested with thousands upon thousands of rats.

Tour Guide:Right. And if you listen real carefully... you can still hear them gnawing away at the apples... and splashing around in the toilets.

Tour guide:How many geniuses does it take to invent a lightbulb? Just one: Thomas Edison

Tour Guide:Now with 30% more gunfights. And 40% more rootin'-tootin'. And the tumbleweeds tumble at 2:00, 4:00 and 6:00... plus a midnight tumbling on weekends.

Tour Guide:Founded by prostitutes in 1849... and serviced by prostitute express riders... who could bring in a fresh prostitute from St.Joe in three days...

Tour Guide · Marge:Then we'll visit the cathouse, the brothel, the bordello... and finally the old mission. Oh, thank heaven! Lots of prostitutes in there.

Tour Guide:And these planks below us were often used as a sidewalk... by people who may or may not have been bandits.

Homer · Tour Guide:Do we have to listen to you? Well, no, you don't. But if you have any interest in history- I'm done.

Tour Guide · Curly · Tourists:There's Old Curly. He played the town preacher until we laid him off. But he still hangs around. Help me, please. I'm sick. [Laughing]

Tour Guide · Tourist:Robert Downey Jr. is shooting it out with the police. / I don't see any cameras.

Tour Guide:That's where it used to be.

Tour Guide · Tourists:And on your left, is the notorious spot where Hugh Grant- / Ew! / filmed the movie Nine Months. / Ew!

Tour Guide:According to the map, this house is owned by the dog from Frasier.

Tour Guide:Over the years, the Shopper merged... with the Springfield Times, Post, Globe, Herald, Jewish News and Hot Sex Weekly... to become Springfield's number-one newspaper.

Tour Guide:Who here reads Mary Worth? Let's move on.

Tour Guide · Ann Landers/Dear Abby:This is where we store Ann Landers and Dear Abby for their 23 hours of daily sleep. My advice is to free us or let us die!

Tour Guide · Lisa · Homer:And to protect Mother Earth... each copy contains a certain percentage of recycled paper. What percent is that? Zero! Zero's a percent.

Tour Guide:Next on the Springfield Death Tour is the home of Marge and Homer Simpson, also known as 'H-Diddy and his Murder Ho.'

Tour Guide:Now, children, if you look up at the capitol dome, you'll see a mural of our state bird, the pot-bellied sparrow, eating our state pasta, bowtie.

Bart · Tour Guide:The Capital City Goofball? / That's right. To win, he spent 80 million from his own pocket.

Tour guide:Unless it has too many fingers, which are tough.

Tour Guide:Local Anahoopi indians believed this stalactite was the finger of Tsisnajini, their god of pointing down.

Tour Guide:Welcome to Ireland. Also known as the Emerald Isle, Potatoville, East Boston, Freckled Bog, the Land of Poetry, and the Land of Bad Poetry.

Tour Guide · Kathy Ireland:On your left, you'll see Western Ireland. On your right, you'll see Kathy Ireland. Hi, everyone!