The Pez Dispenser

Women put on perfume in an interesting way. Ever notice that, guys? They have their little key, Stratego little areas.

Women are convinced that this is the most action-packed area that could ever happen in the dating world. What is that, ladies? What is happening here?

Is that in case you slap the guy or something? He still finds you intriguing? 'Oh, Chanel!'

She's a pianist, a classical pianist! She plays the piano!

She's a brilliant woman! I sat in her living room, she played the Waldstein Sonata. The Waldstein!

We did a crossword puzzle together in bed. It was the most fun I ever had in my entire life! Do you hear me? In my life!

You know? Were you talking? I couldn't hear anything.

I was telling you about Noel. Oh, Noel, yeah. The one that plays the bongos.

So sidesplittingly funny.

I'm very uncomfortable. I have no power. Why should she have the upper hand? For once, I'd like the upper hand. I have no hand, no hand at all.

She has the hand. I have no hand. Hand me that, would you? Yeah.

How do I get the hand? We all want the hand. Hand is tough to get. You gotta get the hand right from the opening.

She'll observe me as I really am, as myself. Maybe I can get some hand that way.

Hey, smell my arm.

What? Smell it. Smell it. With all due respect, I don't think so.

The beach. The beach? Did you go swimming? It's 29 degrees. No, I just joined the Polar Bear Club.

What the hell's a Polar Bear? These people go swimming in the winter. They're terrific.

It's invigorating. Yeah... so is shock therapy.

What is that, a PEZ dispenser? Yeah. You want one?

Hey, what goes on there, exactly? You don't know? No, I know. I know. You think they have fleas there, don't you? No. Yes, you do, Biff.

You've never been, and you think they have fleas there. All right, I think they have fleas there. So what?

Here, you want this? You don't want it? No, I bought five of them. Wow, great. Thanks.

I don't know how anyone does this. This must be so nerve-racking. How do they warm up their fingers?

They have a piano backstage they warm up on. No. We would have heard it. You think they just crack their knuckles and come out?

Don't applaud when she stops playing the first time. It's not over yet. I really resent that. That's directed at me, isn't it?

Is this okay? Can I do this?

Oh, God. Something I said?

It's John Mollica. Oh. Oh, John. Oh, hi, John. Hi. What are you doing out here? I was just at this recital and Jerry put this PEZ dispenser on my leg and I just started laughing.

Really? Boy... you really look great. Oh, thank you.

He's kind of messed up on drugs. I don't know what to do. Have you thought about an intervention?

You get all his friends in a room and they confront him to try to get him into rehab. It's a very popular thing now.

I'm sorry, George. I'm sorry. What did you put the PEZ dispenser on her leg for? I don't know. It was an impulse. What kind of a sick impulse is that?

I'll tell her I was the one who laughed. No, don't say a word. If she thinks my friends are jerks, then I'm a jerk.

What are you, a baby? All right, tell him. When I was outside, I ran into John Mollica. Really? John Mollica?

Could we cut to the chase? Cut to the chase? What are you, Joe Hollywood?

A lot of people say it. I would lose that. What's that? Lose that? That's not a Hollywood expression. Yes, it is.

We got a situation over here!

These things are really hard to load.

You play a hell of a piano. Yeah, I was really moved. Really moved.

PEZ? No, thank you.

Anyone who would laugh at a recital is probably some sort of lunatic, anyway. I mean, only a sick, twisted mind could be that rude and ignorant.

Well, you know, maybe some mental defective put something stupid on her leg.

Even if this so-called mental defective did put something on her leg, she's still the one who laughed.

I'll never forget that laugh for the rest of my life.

I'm sure she would apologize if she could. Probably someone is holding her back, maybe against every fibre of her being.

If she wants to continue to have a fibre of her being, she'll be very careful.

By the way, how do you warm up your fingers before you play? I just crack my knuckles.

I said, I don't feel like it. All right... I'll... I'll call you. I'll call you, and we'll talk on the phone. Have a telephone communiqué.

So, fine. Everything's fine. Everything good? Good. I feel good. Fine. That's fine. That's good. Okay. Okey-doke.

You know, I think Kramer might have been indirectly responsible for getting Richie involved in drugs. What? How?

So Kramer says to Richie: 'Why don't you dump the bucket of Gatorade on Marty Benson's head?' The club owner. Yeah. So Richie goes ahead and does it.

The guy was, like, 67 years old. It was freezing out. He caught a cold, developed pneumonia, a month later he was dead. Shut up.

All the comedians were happy because he's one of these club owners nobody liked. But Richie was never the same. What about Kramer? He's the same.

I don't have a good apartment for an intervention. The furniture, it's very nonconfrontational.

Oh, sure. The guy I told to pour the Gatorade that killed Marty Benson?

Can I get in on that? What do you think, it's like a poker game?

No, intervene, go ahead. Intervene all you want. I'm just afraid you might be interfering while we're intervening.

Stop smelling your arm!

You know, I got a great idea for a cologne. It's called 'The Beach.' You spray it on, and it's just like you came home from the beach.

I can't believe I'm saying this, but that's not a bad idea.

It's over. It's definitely over. She broke up with you? No, but she's going to. I can sense it.

I'm very good at going in reverse in my car. Why isn't Postum a more popular drink?

Yeah, Postum is underrated.

You know what that means. What's wrong with lunch? Lunch is fine at the beginning, then you move on to dinner. You don't go back to lunch. It's like being demoted.

I'll never do a crossword puzzle with her again, I know it. I like the jumble. You ever do the jumble?

I have no power, you understand? I need hand! I have no hand! Why don't you break up with her. What? Break up with her. You reverse everything that way. A preemptive breakup.

This is an incredible idea. Yeah. I got nothing to lose. We either break up, which she would do anyway, but I go out with some dignity, or I completely turn the tables!

So I'm afraid I am gonna have to break up with you. You're breaking up with me? Yes. I am breaking up with you.

Shocked? Never expected this, did you? I thought everything was fine. Well, live and learn.

I didn't mean to hurt you, kid. Now, stop it, please. What do you want? I know I can make you happy.

When you're playing the piano, do you think about me? I don't know. This is what I'm talking about. Okay, I'll think about you. All the time? All the time? You know... Okay, all the time. I can't hear you. All the time!

See? It's not so hard.

That is the dumbest idea I've ever heard. Whoa, wait a minute. You... Did you hear what I just said? You think people are gonna pay $80 a bottle to smell like dead fish and seaweed?

That's why people take showers when they come home from the beach. It's an objectionable, offensive odour.

So you don't think that it's a good idea?

The membranes get dry, and it just starts bleeding. Since I was a kid, so I have to stick a tissue up there. You have to work like that? Yeah. Nobody minds. Nobody's ever said anything to me.

I looked. I don't see any ice cubes. Well, then I guess there's no ice cubes. I can't drink this. It's warm.

He can't stay. This is for close friends only. Hey, I'm a friend. Who told him to pour the Gatorade over Marty Benson's head?

Hey, I got somebody to make up that cologne for me, bigmouth. Somebody's going to make that crap?

Sure. We used to do that when one of our Polar Bears stopped coming. We'd go to his house: 'What, you don't want to be a Polar Bear anymore? It's too cold for you?'

You don't wanna go out with me because I'm a bartender, right? Look, you know, I don't really think that this is appropriate right now. Is it because I have a tissue in my nose?

Jerry, let me tell you something. A man without hand is not a man. I've got so much hand, I'm coming out of my gloves.

Even if I were dragged through manure, I still wouldn't put that stuff on. This man is a genius! A genius!

The male kangaroo doesn't have a pouch. Only the female has it, so the male has pouch envy! Why should she have this huge pouch and I have nothing? I have things to carry too. At least give me a pocket.

That laugh. That's the laugh. That's it! You're the one! No, no. No, it was an accident. It wasn't my fault! It was Jerry!

You put a PEZ dispenser on her leg during my recital? I didn't know she would laugh. And, you... You lied to me, George. You lied to me!

I am breaking up with you. You can't break up with me. I've got hand! And you're gonna need it.

The PEZ dispenser. He picks it up, he's staring at it. It's like he's hypnotized by it. Then he's telling us this story about how when he was a kid, he was in the car with his father and his father was trying to load one of them.

So as the father's trying to load it, he loses control of the car, crashes into a high school cafeteria. Get out. Nobody's hurt, but PEZ was all over the car. And the dispenser was destroyed, virtually beyond recognition.

So as he's telling the story, he starts crying. What did you do? What do you think? I gave him my PEZ dispenser.

Two hours later, he checks into Smither's clinic. Talked to the doctor yesterday. He's doing great on the rehab, he's hooked on PEZ.

He's eating them like there's no tomorrow. What's a three-letter word for candy?

Jawbreakers, to me, was like the ultimate challenge candy. It was like candy manufacturers were sitting in their laboratories, going: 'I wonder if they'll eat this. This seems pretty tough to eat. Let's market it as some sort of experiment.'

But the concept of Jawbreakers... What was the concept? Multicoloured cement balls for a quarter? Was that the idea behind it? 'Let's see if we can hurt them. Let's see if they'll pay to be hurt.'

I did it, I ate them, I loved them. 'Oh, this is very painful. I'm really hurting. And this is hurting me a lot. I love them.'