The Alternate Side

Jerry:What is the deal with car alarms? Why do we need car alarms? I think car alarms are for people who have no faith in their car. That's what a car alarm is saying - 'I don't trust my car.' It's like saying 'I have no faith in you, car. You're gonna betray me.' So here's a siren that's gonna go off and humiliate you in front of all the other cars. Because that's what a car wants - to look like a nervous, hysterical person.

Jerry:It's like the car has some kind of emotional problem. It's neurotic. And you know what? I think the car is picking up on your energy. The car knows you're anxious, you're paranoid, so the car's like, 'Well, if my owner is like this, I should be like this too.' It's a neurotic car with a neurotic owner. You ever think about that? That's the relationship. The car is just an extension of your own psychological problems.

Jerry:What if the car alarm was just really polite? Like, instead of a loud siren, it just goes 'Excuse me?'

Jerry:A thief reaches for the door and the car's like 'Excuse me? Excuse me, sir?'

Jerry:I don't even know if my car alarm is on or off.

George:What do you mean you don't know?

Jerry:I mean, I don't know! I just press the button. I don't know what's happening.

George:You should know your own car alarm. That's like not knowing if your child is alive or dead.

Jerry:Well, I know my child is alive or dead, but I don't know my car alarm.

Jerry:These car thieves, they've got incredible skills. They can break into any car in seconds, hot-wire it, drive away. But I can't even make toast without setting off the smoke alarm.

Jerry:I mean, think about it. They've mastered automotive electronics, security systems, getaway driving... and I'm standing in my kitchen wondering why my eggs are rubbery.

Jerry:The criminal element has it figured out. I've got a PhD in nothing.

Elaine:Just call the car phone.

Jerry:Call the car phone? Elaine, the car's been stolen.

Elaine:So? Call it anyway.

Jerry:Hello? Hello, is this the guy who stole my car?

Car Thief:Yeah, that's me.

Jerry:Well, why'd you steal my car?

Car Thief:I needed a car.

Jerry:Couldn't you have just rented one?

Car Thief:Yeah, I could've, but I didn't.

Jerry:So what's your long-term plan here? I mean, you can't just steal cars forever.

Car Thief:I don't know. Drive around.

Jerry:You know, I'd really appreciate it if you could not steal my car.

Car Thief:I appreciate the sentiment, I really do. But I'm gonna have to pass.

Kramer:Hey, listen, I know you're a busy guy, but I got a favor to ask ya. Could you do me a solid and mail back my personal items?

Car Thief:Your personal items?

Kramer:Yeah, I got a cashmere underwear in there, it's worth a lot of money.

Jerry:So how did you cross the wires like that? That's pretty sophisticated.

Car Thief:Well, actually, the keys were in the car.

Jerry:The keys were in the car?

Car Thief:Yeah, I just turned them.

Car Thief:And one more thing - you should rotate your tires every 5,000 miles. Trust me, I know cars.

Jerry:You're stealing my car and you're giving me maintenance tips?

Car Thief:Hey, just because I'm taking it doesn't mean I don't care about its longevity. Also, use synthetic oil - it's better for the engine.

George:You know, this is a great business. You just move cars around, people pay you money. It's that simple.

George:I could do this. I could definitely do this.

George:So what kind of business is Sid in anyway?

George:Oh really? That's... that's interesting. Very interesting. How much money does he make?

George:I'm just curious. No particular reason. Just making conversation.

George:Does he have any... partners? Anyone helping him run things?

Jerry:You got cast as an extra?

Kramer:Yeah, I got a quality.

Jerry:So you're saying you can't make it Tuesday because of Wednesday?

Sid:Well, if I go Tuesday, then Wednesday I'll be tired, so I have to rest Thursday.

Jerry:But Thursday hasn't even happened yet.

Sid:Exactly! So I need to cancel Friday to prepare for the Wednesday that affects Thursday.

Jerry:That's insane.

Sid:You know what's really insane? If I don't cancel Monday, none of this works.

George:I'm between jobs.

George:I'm exploring my options.

George:I'm in a transitional period.

Jerry:I'm dating this writer, Owen March.

George:Owen March? I don't know who that is.

Jerry:He's a writer.

George:Well, I only know baseball players.

Jerry:What?

George:That's just what I know. Baseball players. I can tell you anything about baseball players.

Jerry:I need a car, but I should warn you - I'm going to make an inappropriate joke about my friend Elaine being small instead of the car.

Jerry:Actually, never mind. That's not going to work.

George:Like him? I don't like anybody. What makes you think I'm going to like him?

Jerry:She's vibrant! She's 66 years old and she's vibrant.

George:Vibrant? What does that mean, vibrant?

Jerry:You know, vibrant. She's got energy, she's lively, she's...

George:She vibrates?

Jerry:You know how to take the reservation, you just don't know how to hold the reservation. And that's really the most important part of the reservation, the holding. Anybody can just take them.

Jerry:You know what the reservation system is? It's a joke. You call up, you give your name, they write it down. What are they writing? They're not writing anything! They're just nodding on the other end of the phone!

Jerry:Then you show up at the restaurant. You walk up to the host stand. 'Hi, I have a reservation.' They look at the book like it's the Dead Sea Scrolls. 'Reservation? Under what name?' Under the name I TOLD you twenty minutes ago!

Jerry:And they always say the same thing: 'It's gonna be about a twenty minute wait.' A twenty minute wait? I have a reservation! That's the whole point of the reservation! If I wanted to wait, I wouldn't make a reservation!

Jerry:How hard is it to write down a name? It's not a difficult thing!

Jerry:They don't have a waiting list because they don't expect people to show up!

Jerry:It's just a restaurant. They seat people in the order they arrive. What is so complicated about this?

Jerry:So he goes back to check with his supervisor. And I'm imagining the conversation: 'Hey boss, there's a guy out here, wants to rent an apartment.' 'What's his credit like?' 'Eh, not great.' 'Any references?' 'None.' 'How much is he willing to put down?' 'I don't know, maybe a couple hundred?' 'Well, we better check with the supervisor!'

Rental Agent:Do you want to buy insurance?

Jerry:Yeah, you better give me the insurance, because I am gonna destroy this thing.

Elaine:I mean, at first I thought he was great. Then I realized he was just okay. Then I noticed he chewed with his mouth open. Now I actively dislike him.

Elaine:So what's the rule? How many dates before you have to break up with someone in person?

Jerry:Well, I would say around seven.

Elaine:Seven?!

Jerry:Yeah, I think seven is the threshold. Anything less than seven, you can call. Seven or more, you gotta go in person.

Jerry:There's a rule. You go out with a girl seven times, it's over. That's the rule. I didn't make it up, it's just... it's the rule.

George:Where does it say that?

Jerry:It's common knowledge!

Elaine:Says who?

Jerry:Everybody knows it. You date somebody seven times, you're in a relationship.

Kramer:What if you sleep with her?

Jerry:That resets it.

Elaine:

Kramer:So I'm walking in with the groceries, right? And I trip. I stumble forward. I regain my balance. I look down, there's lettuce all over the place.

Kramer:So I bend down to pick it up, and I hit my head on the counter. Then I back up, I turn around, and I bump into the guy with the coffee. It goes all over him.

Kramer:He's yelling at me, so I grab a napkin, I'm trying to dry him off. I'm patting him down, and my hand, it slips. I poke him in the eye.

Kramer:Then he's reeling back and he knocks into Woody Allen. Woody's got a drink in his hand, it comes out his nose.

Kramer:I think I might have a new career on my hands.

Jerry:A new career? Kramer, you've never had an old career.

Jerry:Was Mia Farrow there?

Kramer:Yeah, he was there.

Kramer:I'm in the picture! I got a line!

Jerry:What's the line?

Kramer:I tell the guy to get his feet off the table.

Jerry:No, no, no. You gotta say it like Kramer would say it.

George:Giddy up.

Jerry:That's not it.

George:Giddy... up?

Jerry:No, it's got to have more of a... swagger to it.

George:GIDDY UP!

Jerry:You're yelling now. That's not swagger.

George:Well, how do you say it?

Jerry:Giddy up. Like you just discovered something.

Jerry:His dramatic, over-the-top interpretation with pause and emphasis

George:Hey! Hey! You know, some of us are trying to sleep here! It's the middle of the night! This is ridiculous!

George:You know what? I'm going to get a pretzel. A nice, hot pretzel. And I'm going to eat it right in front of you people!

Jerry:Well, that's not good.

Kramer:Giddy up!

Jerry:So what do we do? Do we apply heat or cold?

Kramer:Heat! You gotta use heat.

George:No, no, cold. Ice is the way to go.

Jerry:So one of you is saying heat, one of you is saying cold...

Elaine:Well, alternate! Do heat for twenty minutes, then cold for twenty minutes.

Kramer:No, that'll confuse the body!

Jerry:Maybe he overdosed.

Elaine:Overdosed?! What are you implying?

Jerry:What are you doing?

George:I'm helping him! He's diabetic, he can't have sugar.

Kramer:Just take the candy away from him.

George:I'm trying to extract it from his system!

Jerry:You can't extract sugar from someone's body like that.

George:Why not? I read about it somewhere.

Kramer:You gotta massage his gums, get the blood flowing.

Jerry:What are you talking about?

George:Here, I'll just move his teeth around manually, redistribute the sugar molecules.

Kramer:That's it! That's the ticket!

Jerry:You can't just blend cookies and give them to him as a drink.

Kramer:Why not? It's still cookies, it's just liquefied.

Jerry:That's not how it works. That's not how any of this works.

Kramer:What if it's a medical emergency? You think doctors are gonna say 'No, we need solid cookies'?

Jerry:There is no medical emergency that requires liquefied cookies, Kramer.

Kramer:Yet.

Jerry:Look at him, he's got a little drool situation going on. And that shirt? Completely wrinkled. You'd think if you're going to pass out, at least do it in something pressed.

George:What did Woody Allen say about me?

Paramedic:He said you were a bald loser with no redeeming qualities.

George:That's harsh.

Paramedic:But accurate.

Jerry:You know what 'first aid' really means? It means you're the first one there. That's it. You show up first, you've done your job. 'Oh, here comes Jerry with the first aid!' 'Thanks for coming, Jerry.' 'No problem, I was first. My work here is done.'

Sid:Moving a car is as easy as putting on pants.

George:Oh yeah? Well, how come you can't do either?

Sid:What are you talking about? I put on pants every day.

George:Yeah, and how's that working out for you?

Jerry:Says here Owen had a stroke... and it says George's incompetence made it worse.

Elaine:I was going to break up with him. I was so close. And then he had the stroke. So now if I leave him, I'm the woman who dumped a guy right after his stroke. I'm a monster!

Jerry:Wait, you're part of a community? I didn't know you were part of a community.

Elaine:Of course I'm part of a community.

Jerry:I'm not part of a community. I don't want to be part of a community. It sounds like a cult.

Jerry:Wait, wait, wait. So let me get this straight. I'm not covered because someone else was driving? But I rented the car! I'm the one who signed the agreement! How is that my fault?

Rental Agent:Well, sir, the policy clearly states that coverage only applies if the renter is operating the vehicle.

Jerry:Oh, I see. So the car is insured, but only if I'm driving it. What if the car is driving itself? Is that covered? Because that seems like it should be a separate policy.

Agent:You should have read the rental agreement.

Jerry:What, you mean like the Constitution? Because I didn't read that either.

Elaine:Owen, I've been thinking... this just isn't working out.

Owen:What? Why?

Elaine:Well, you're in the hospital. It's in New Jersey. I'm on the Upper West Side. The commute is killing me.

Elaine:He's talking! Owen is talking!

Jerry:That's great! What's he saying?

Elaine:He said, 'You're not my real mother.'

Kramer:I was doing this scene, and I delivered my line with such intensity, such power, that it shattered the glass right there on the set.

Kramer:And Woody Allen, he just stood there crying. Actually crying from being hit by the glass.

Kramer:I'm telling you, I'm golden right now. The guy's got nothing on me. I injured Woody Allen! I'm a hero!

Jerry:You know what marriage is? It's like making a business deal where the terms are completely unclear. You stand up there, you say these vows, but nobody tells you what you're actually agreeing to. It's like signing a contract written in a language you don't understand. And then you realize years later, the whole thing boils down to one thing: you just want someone around when you're sick. That's it. That's the deal. Not love, not companionship, not someone to share your life with. No, it's 'Hey, can you bring me some soup and sit here while I watch TV?' That's marriage.