The Farm

Dwight, what a ridiculous, fancy clown you are.

I would say that she raised me, but let's not kid each other. I raised myself. She was, however, the closest thing I had to a mother. My actual mother was very cold and distant. I'd say she was the closest thing I had to an aunt.

Keep them!

In keeping with Schrute custom, I will either invite you to Saturday's funeral by sprinkling red, fertile dirt in your face, or I will ask you to keep a respectful distance during my time of grief, with a dusting of black, slightly acidic soil.

Yep. Acidic all right.

Oh, thank God.

We're not even that close. I've only known Dwight 12 years. 12 years. Time is a son of a bitch.

You can't make a dirtball-- I miss her so much. Okay.

Get in the sidecar. Get in the sidecar. Get in the sidecar. You get in the sidecar.

It's a rental.

Hey, moonface. Nice to see those shiny little Chinese eyes of yours.

My name is Todd Packer, and I am in recovery. I'm working the steps. I'm on step eight of Alcoholics Anonymous, step nine of Narcotics Anonymous.

Pam, I'm sorry I objectified you and personified your breasts.

Actually, that goes to all you double XLs. Stanley, Kevin... this kid in a few years.

I went out to the Steamtown mall, and I got you all cupcakes from that place Nipples. Think it's called Nibbles. Ha. The mind sees what it wants to, huh?

It's crap soil. Nothing's gonna grow here. It doesn't matter. It's a cemetery. Yeah, well, I'm saying it's garbage soil, that's all. Well, the only thing we're planting here is dead bodies. That's fine, 'cause they're not gonna grow. Well, thank God they're not, because we don't wanna make zombies.

You had black hair and then gray hair. You were the aunt to my cousins. Most of your life, you were 5'4". At the end, you were 5'1".

They're a descriptive people.

She's beautiful. Blech.

Well, if you can snap two chicken necks with a single motion, why use two motions to slaughter those chickens? We're at a funeral. There's a funeral going on here.

Shirley, at 1,600 acres, you have the largest farm in the area, sharing borders with six other farms including my own farm and your nephew Dwight's. Okay.

But there was an unlucky streak of burying some heavy sleepers. And when grave robbers discovered some scratch marks on the inside of some of the coffins, we decided to make sure that our dead were completely dead... out of kindness.

I never forget a number. Names, in one ear and out the other. Places, nope. Faces, that's rich. But numbers... I have a gift. I guess that's why I'm an accountant.

Oh, sorry for calling you a fat little runt earlier. You didn't actually say that. No? No. Wow! I'm in this mode now where I'm apologizing for thoughts that are in my head.

Packer can go to hell.

After I left the army, I bought a nine-acre worm farm from a Californian. Turns out, 'worm' means something else out there, and I am now in the business of... pain management. Or the smoking of pain management.

He used to talk about growing a peanut-grape hybrid. One plant, one sandwich.

A Willing Ignorance by Fanny Schrute. The people here are like... like a fart. You know what I'm saying? Like a fart.

Growing up with Dwight and Mose was not easy. Uh, Dwight was obviously the cool one, and Mose was the visionary, which left me to be the comedian.

People underestimate the power of nostalgia. If baseball can use it to get people to care about that worthless sport, then I can use it to get my siblings to care about the farm. Nostalgia is truly one of the great human weaknesses. Second only to the neck.

So I forgot about this old custom. If a man is interested in courting a woman, he may throw the beaks of a crow... at her. And then if she's interested in accepting the courtship, she has to destroy the beaks.

I am going through a 12-step program. I'm currently on step zero... which is have a shitload of fun. I spent six hours carefully removing the frosting and then layering in a variety of drugs, some legal, some not... some laxative, some constipating.

I forgive him so much.

Are we gonna eat these today? If you want. Is that a guillotine? This? No. That'd be cool though. It's for milking. That's a cow? Did you just ask me if this was a cow?

Gimme those teats. Didn't your father teach you anything? I never met him.

Last night, I got out all of my old dolls and played with them on the living room floor. Then I ordered ten American Girl outfits on line. It was thousands of dollars.

I went Christmas caroling... in March, and I fertilized some bushes along the way. So not my best night. But not my worst night.

Yeah, I didn't see you last night at all. Nope, I did not see you either.

Ooh, this is no nine-acre worm farm. This is a beast. Whoever's managing this thing is gonna have a hell of a job. Not it. Not it. It.