Grief Counseling

Michael:Here, I got you a pencil from the warehouse.

Ryan:Oh, um, thanks, but I already have a pencil.

Michael:Yeah, but this one is special. I sharpened it myself.

Ryan:Oh. That's... that's really nice of you, Michael.

Michael:Hey, while you're down there, can you grab me a coffee?

Dwight:And some paper clips.

Jim:Oh, and a sandwich from the vending machine.

Michael:Really? Really, everyone?

Michael:There's coffee in the kitchen.

Pam:Actually, the warehouse coffee is way better.

Michael:Really? I had no idea.

Pam:Oh yeah, Darryl makes it fresh every morning. It's incredible.

Michael:Well, I'm going to have to try that.

Michael:I'm like a USO entertainer, except instead of the troops, I go to the warehouse.

Michael:I make them laugh, I boost morale.

Michael:Jan! Hi! How are you?

Jan:Michael, I'm calling with some serious corporate news.

Michael:Oh my God, are you pregnant?

Jan:What? No.

Michael:Because I want to be involved in that decision.

Michael:Okay everyone, I have some sad news. One of our own has passed away. But before we get into all that, I need to make sure we follow proper chain of command. Since they reported to me, I should probably be the one to notify their family. Unless... does anyone know if they had a supervisor in another department? Because that could complicate things.

Pam:You must feel really sad about Ed's death.

Michael:I do feel sad. But not because Ed died. I feel sad because now I'll never get to meet Ed.

Michael:I have some very sad news. Meredith was hit by a car.

Michael:It happened this morning in the parking lot. I don't know all the details, but it was a hit and run. But she is going to be okay.

Michael:So, um, we're going to have a fun day today anyway. Who wants to do a fun activity? Who wants to do a fun activity?

Michael:I'm thinking... CASINO NIGHT!

Jim:Is there anything I can do?

Michael:No. What has happened has happened. You just have to let it go. It's the circle of life.

Jim:I don't know what to say to that.

Jim:So yeah, that's pretty heavy stuff to think about.

Karen:Definitely. I mean, mortality is something we all have to face eventually.

Josh:Right, right. Well, anyway, did anyone finish the Henderson report?

Jim:I'll help you with that!

Dwight:Oh, what a shock. Jim volunteering to help the boss. Did you polish his chair already today?

Karen:I hereby declare independence from vending machine tyranny. No longer shall I be subject to the whims of malfunctioning machinery and overpriced snacks.

Jim:Karen, we need to talk about the vending machine situation.

Karen:What? I just want some chips.

Jim:I'm going to have to call an emergency meeting. This is a code red. We're going to need Dwight, we're going to need Ryan, possibly the fire department.

Karen:Jim, it's just a snack.

Jim:Just a snack? Karen, do you understand what you're asking? The chip situation is delicate. We could lose people over this.

Creed:I was the one who found Ed's body. We used to share an office. So one day I go in there and he's just... hanging there. From the ceiling fan. And the saddest part? It took me three days to cut him down. Not because I didn't want to, but because I couldn't find a ladder tall enough.

Creed:You don't just lose your head. You make a choice. A choice to let go.

Dwight:When you're decapitated, you can still see and hear for several seconds.

Jim:That's not true.

Michael:It's so sad that Ed died alone. I mean, at least I'll have my head.

Dwight:What?

Michael:When I die, my head will still be... it'll be there. I can comfort myself with my own head.

Michael:So Ed, what happened was... well, I was trying to, uh, demonstrate the proper way to, you know, and then my arm just sort of... *makes exaggerated flailing motion* ...went like that. And I couldn't really explain it because, well, you see, when you're in the moment, the words just don't... they don't come out right. So I was like, 'Well, Ed, it's kind of like this' *does awkward physical demonstration with stuttering* 'W-w-when you do the thing, and then the other thing happens, and that's... that's basically it.'

Michael:If I get decapitated, just put my head on ice and rush me to the hospital.

Dwight:When I die, I want to be frozen. And if they have to freeze me in pieces, so be it. I'll thaw out stronger, like a warrior.

Michael:Ed was like a father to me. You know, except he never actually showed up for anything I did, he was constantly disappointed in me, and he made me feel small. So, actually, exactly like my father.

Michael:We should put up a statue of Ed in the lobby.

Jan:A statue? Michael, that seems excessive.

Michael:No, no, hear me out. Not just a statue — a moving statue. Like, the arms move.

Jan:Michael...

Michael:And the legs. And then we add a voice box, so it can talk. We're basically building a robot at this point.

Jan:That's not a statue anymore.

Michael:A robot, Jan. Ed deserves a robot.

Michael:Wait, how big is this robot? Because if there's ever a robot uprising, I want to make sure I can outrun it.

Jim:We could just... put it in the storage closet. Problem solved.

Karen:We need to stop this and get back to work.

Jim:Karen, Karen... this isn't about chips. This is about who you are as a person.

Jim:Has anyone seen the chips? I've been looking everywhere.

Karen:Did you check the printer?

Jim:Why would chips be in the printer?

Andy:I found some in the copier last week.

Karen:What about the fax machine?

Jim:You know what, let me check inside the stapler.

Andy:We checked the break room, the supply closet, under Dwight's desk...

Andy:Inside my pants.

Creed:You know, at this velocity and trajectory, the blood would spray at least 12 feet. Maybe 15 if he really commits to it.

Michael:I need to tell you about what happened to that guy... he was completely... de... decap... no wait... decapacitated? Is that a word? Decapacitated?

Michael:No, that's not right. Decapistated? Decapulated?

Michael:You know what I'm trying to say. His head. It came off.

Michael:Ed's dead! He's gone! One minute he's here, the next minute he's not!

Stanley:Did you just spit on me?

Michael:My goal is to get everyone to depression rather than acceptance.

Michael:When you lose someone, it's like... it's like your heart is a furnace, right? And someone just turned the temperature down. Way down. Like, subzero. Your chest gets cold, your fingers go numb, and you can't feel your... your soul anymore.

Michael:It's like... grief is a suitcase that you carry with you everywhere. And sometimes you open it up and look inside, and there's just all this stuff that reminds you of the person.

Michael:And then you meet someone else who's also carrying a suitcase, and you realize you're not alone in the airport of sadness.

Michael:And the two of you are walking through the terminal together, and you're both crying, and then a third person comes up to you, and he's also carrying a suitcase. So now it's three people. Three suitcases.

Michael:And that's when you realize... grief has a bone in it. The grief bone. And when you put your suitcases together, the grief bones start to connect, and that's how you make a grief skeleton.

Jim:Okay, so I'm gonna take your car to the shop, it's gonna take like three hours.

Pam:What? Why three hours?

Jim:Well, they gotta rotate the tires, check the fluids, run a diagnostic... it's a whole thing.

Pam:Jim, that's never taken three hours before.

Jim:Yeah, well, this time I'm also gonna get a car wash. A really thorough one.

Jim:What safety features does your car have?

Pam:Well, it has airbags, anti-lock brakes, and a really good sound system.

Jim:Those are good, but what about the safety stuff?

Pam:That's what I said. The sound system is very important when you're driving alone and crying.

Jim:Yeah, so I go to this store, right? And the guy behind the counter, his name tag says 'Derek.' Derek's got this thing where he only sells chips on Thursdays. I'm like, 'Derek, it's Wednesday.' He goes, 'I know what day it is.' So I come back Thursday, there's no chips. I ask Derek why. He says, 'Wrong Thursday.' Turns out he means the Thursday after the full moon. So I wait a month. I go back. Derek's gone. New guy's name is also Derek. I ask him about the chips. He has no idea what I'm talking about. Says they only sell beef jerky there. Always have. I'm looking around—there's literally a sign that says 'CHIP EMPORIUM' on the wall. I point to it. Derek number two says that's the name of the building. The building is called Chip Emporium, but this particular store is a jerky-only establishment. So I'm standing there, and I realize—I've wasted four weeks of my life on a quest to find chips that may or may not exist in a store that may or may not be a real store.

Dwight:When I was a kid, my father made me kill my dog.

Dwight:I cried about it. He said, 'Hey, man up.' So I stopped.

Dwight:If I had absorbed my twin in the womb, I would have my strength plus his strength times two.

Jim:That's not how it works.

Dwight:Okay, well, I'm not a scientist. But I did absorb a twin.

Pam:When I was nine, my father took me into the city to see a marching band. He said, 'Pam, when you grow up, if you become a musician, you're gonna be the saddest guy ever.' So he takes me to see this band, and my mom packed us egg salad sandwiches. Well, we get there, and there's no parking, so we have to walk eight blocks. And my father, he's carrying me on his shoulders. And then we get there, and there's all this music, and people everywhere. And I look around, and I realize... I can't remember what he looked like.

Jim:So I was watching The Lion King with my son, and Simba's father dies, right? And I'm sitting there thinking, 'This is pretty heavy for a kids' movie.' But then I realized—that's basically my entire childhood. My dad left when I was young, so watching a father figure die on screen while a child watches... it hit different. But then Simba grows up and realizes his father is always with him in the stars, and I thought, 'That's nice. That's really nice.' So I told my son, 'Your grandfather is up there watching over you.' And my son goes, 'Dad, he's in Ohio.' And I was like, 'Same difference.'

Jim:My grandfather passed away when I was just a kid. I still remember the day like it was yesterday. I was at his funeral, and I looked around at all the sad faces in the audience...

Jim:Wait.

Andy:My parents haven't spoken to me in three years. My dad won't return my calls, my mom pretends I don't exist, and my brother completely disowned me.

Andy:It's basically the plot of 'Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.'

Stanley:That's false.

Toby:I was just saying that death is a natural part of life. I found a bird outside my apartment building. It had passed away.

Michael:Did you check for a pulse?

Toby:It was a bird.

Michael:So that's a no. Did you give it mouth-to-mouth?

Toby:No, it was clearly dead.

Michael:You can't just assume that! You have to be thorough. You didn't even examine it properly!

Michael:It might still be alive. Look, it's moving.

Dwight:That's just the wind.

Michael:No, no, no. I think it's just resting. Here, let me help it.

Michael:Poor little guy. There you go, buddy. You're gonna be okay.

Michael:It's fine. I have an immune system like a rhinoceros. I'm basically a superhero. I once went a whole winter without getting sick.

Michael:We need to have a funeral. A proper funeral. With flowers and a eulogy.

Dwight:Michael, it's just a bird.

Michael:Just a bird? Dwight, this bird had dreams. It had a family waiting for it somewhere.

Jim:It flew into the window.

Michael:Exactly. It died a hero. We're going to do this right. I'm calling a funeral home.

Jim:I'm calling Belgium. They have excellent chocolate chip cookies.

Dwight:Jim, that's not a snack food source, that's—

Jim:Dwight, I'm speaking Dutch now. Hoe gaat het met de koekjes?

Pam:Why is Jim on the phone with Europe?

Jim:Because Pam, apparently American chip manufacturers have betrayed us all.

Michael:Hey, hey, it's okay. It's okay. Your friend Ed is in a better place now.

Michael:We're all going to miss him.

Michael:Okay, okay, I got this. A box is a box.

Angela:Michael, that box is way too small.

Michael:No, no, it'll fit. I just need to... push a little harder.

Angela:You're going to hurt it!

Michael:It's fine. Come on, little guy. In you go.

Angela:Michael, stop!

Michael:There we go. See? Perfect fit.

Angela:That's not a perfect fit. The bird can barely move.

Dwight:My grandfather didn't believe in traditional burials. He said when he died, he wanted to be stuffed and mounted like one of his prized birds.

Dwight:So that's what we did. Now he's in the living room, scaring the hell out of trick-or-treaters.

Jim:You know, I've been working here for a while now, and I've learned that literally anything can happen on any given day. I could come in tomorrow and find out that Dwight has turned the break room into a beet farm, or that Michael has somehow made a motivational poster out of his own face. The point is, nothing surprises me anymore.

Karen:Where did you find these chips?

Jim:Well, it's a long story. They were in the break room, but before that, they came from the vending machine. But before that, someone had to stock the vending machine. And before that, someone had to order them. And before that, someone had to manufacture them. And before that, someone had to grow the potatoes. And before that—

Karen:Jim, they're just chips.

Jim:Are they though?

Pam:We need to make a coffin for the bird.

Pam:I can do that. I'm actually pretty good at arts and crafts.

Pam:I made a birdhouse once. Well, it was more of a bird condo, really.

Kevin:When I was five, my goldfish died. My parents told me it went to live on a farm. I knew it was a lie because we lived on a farm.

Michael:We are gathered here today to say goodbye to a creature that brought us all closer together. This bird... this beautiful bird represents something we all lost. And I think we need to talk about what happened that day when it pooped on Dwight's car.

Michael:That wasn't just bird poop. That was a sign. A sign that life is short, unpredictable, and sometimes you get covered in things you can't control. Just like this bird. Just like all of us.

Michael:No, no, no. The bird didn't hit the glass by accident. It was a performance. It wanted to entertain us. Think about it — what kind of bird just flies into a window? A show-off bird, that's what kind. It was like, 'Hey everyone, watch this!' And then boom — glass. Standing ovation from the squirrels.

Angela:That's not how ornithology works.

Michael:Well, that's what I read on the internet.

Michael:You know, grief is one of the most powerful emotions we experience as human beings. And it's okay to feel it. It's okay to let it out. As Charlie Brown would say, 'Good grief.'