Herb

Hello? Hello? Stupid phone! Knock it off! I'm here! I was silent due to emotion.

Sorry, sir, I didn't know it was you. That's okay. Carry on. See the way I handled that, Marge?

We're losing to the Japanese. Why? Unfair trade practices? Mushy one-worlders in Washington? Some gypsy curse?

Why did I hire Harvard idiots? You went there. But Mommy and Daddy didn't pay my way!

Persephone? What the hell kind of name is that? She was the Greek goddess of spring and rebirth. She was carried off to Hades where she ate six pomegranates-- People don't want cars named after hungry, old, Greek broads!

I guess they extend to when the Angles met the Saxons. When white met bread.

All born in wedlock? Yes, but Bart was a close call.

Lisa, are you the hell-raiser your father told me about? No, I can assure you I'm not. I'm the hell-raiser.

God, that new-baby smell. Homer, you're the richest man I know. I feel the same about you.

'Uncle Herb' sounds so formal. Do you think you could call me 'Unky Herb'? No problemo, Unky Herb.

You know what they cost me? There's maybe $40 worth of steel in them.

You hear that, morons? This is why we're getting killed! Instead of listening, you're telling people what they want.

I want to pay you $200,000 a year! And I want to let you!

How could you ask for it? You don't know what it is. May I be excused?

It's because you're an average schmo. All you need is self-confidence.

To think I wasted my life in boardrooms and meetings. I could have been watching cartoons!

$82,000! This monstrosity costs $82,000?

Maybe I'd have been better off? Maybe? You sponge-head, of course I'd have been better off! As far as I'm concerned, I have no brother!

Yeah, I used to be rich. I owned Mickey Mouse massage parlors. Then those Disney sleazeballs shut me down. I said, 'I'll change the logo-- put Mickey's pants on.' Some guys you just can't reason with.

You ever drive a Tempura hatchback?

I'm ruined!

Overblown, don't you think? What about New Coke? Hey! I invented that.

Lady, you just gave me... the idea of a lifetime. How do I thank you? Don't hurt me. Consider it done.

All right! A peanut.

Then how come you're still a bum? All right. A man needs two things-- an idea and money to get it off the ground.

I'm sorry, but I'm still mad at you. Every word you say makes me want to punch you. In my home, could you just kick me in the butt? I'll try, but I'm not making any promises.

I've been living in a cardboard box... sleeping on grates, eating out of Dumpsters. You? Can't complain.

Discarded pizza boxes... are an inexpensive source of cheese.

Dear Lisa, last night... I used a rat for a pillow thanks to your pop

It's drinking the water! Take it easy, Homer. This is an example... This is the greatest invention in the world. You'll make a million dollars. No, that invention is out already.

Everything from 'change me' to 'turn off that damn Raffi record.'

Can I get armor-piercing, cyanide-tipped bullets? It's in the Constitution.

I want what the dog's eating. / D'oh! / I'll get you... something nice.

Homer, I bought you the damn chair.