Nev-AD-a

I'm having reservations about the reservations.

I'm meeting troops and shaking God only knows what.

She's changed her mind more times than a frickin' child molester at Disneyland.

find a rattlesnake and shove that up your dick hole 'cause it's a lot more fun than what I'll do to you.

Maddox is probably going to study the effects of legalized prostitution on his dick.

maybe we can get some six-year-old Asian kid to fix it.

We're gonna name her Ellen after Wendy's mom. Actually, her stepmom. She has a difficult relation...

misunderstood your level of interest, sorry.

Seriously, I'm more Hispanic than she is. You know? Where's she from, Santo Connecticut?

She summers in Vinyardo Del Martha.

She's from El New Hampshire.

Harpo, Chico, and Shito.

Maybe they can find out what some of these people are doing.

This Olympic-size swimming pool of shit that I'm doing the backstroke in right now?

You are looking at a guy on the master cleanse. I feel amazing.

What in the lunatic fuck is the master cleanse? Sounds like Nazi domestic policy.

Little known fact about the Nazis... their polling numbers within Germany, through the roof. Unbelievable numbers. Though also tragic.

The Jewish demo couldn't have been that good.

Not exactly take.

Or you could email me at splett2@splettnet.net. Splett1 is my father. It'll be sad to see him go, but it'll be nice to get my hands on that handle, you know?

What is wrong with you, you Paddington Bear-looking fuck?

You guys have Michael Jordan sitting on the bench here, but you're starting Hakeem Olajutwat.

You are a seven-foot-seven goony-looking Lithuanian who's gonna drop dead of Marfan syndrome.

Plus I would never miss the opportunity to dry fuck Jim Whitman up the ass.

All right, let's hear it, Affirmative Action Jackson.

Well, Madam President, I've got big balls, but neither one of them are crystal.

Henry, you son of a bitch. I can lead a horse to water, but I can't milk it.

Can't milk it! I don't even know what that means.

We called him Fatty Dicksuckle and B-B-Benny and the Jizz. Buttfucker.

Buttfucker, that's me. I can't believe you remembered my nickname.

It says 'Fuck Selina Meyer.' If anything, that one should count for us.

So it doesn't say 'Fuck Selina Meyer.' It says, you know, 'Fuck, Selina Meyer!' That's a testament to this voter's earthy but unambiguous enthusiasm for President Meyer.

I'm sure the Dow is rocketing skywards as we speak.

I'm gonna be pulling down Clint Eastwood cowboy movie style pussy in these things. Except I'm not the man with no name. I'm the man with mo' game.

Afternoon, sir. We're here because your ballot was disqualified because your signature didn't match... okay, well, fooled me with that one.

Can Paul McCartney teach Kid Rock how to be a good songwriter? I mean, that's a bad example. Kid Rock rules, but...

A bit of an asshat? Actually, I was gonna say a champion for the middle class, but I kind of like your thing better to tell you the truth.

Two grand? Where'd you find that? In your sofa seat cushion?

I think it was in my other pants, Madam President.

Not in jail for what she did to you.

Brooks Brothers sews prenups into all our suits.

Including our daughter.

some of your economic policies are what my friend Katie Gross likes to call fakakta.

Yeah, so did I. 'Cause I was at Smith. No, it's a Smith joke.

Sorry. You should read C.S. Lewis's book on grief. It's not as fun as 'The Lion, Witch, and the Wardrobe' series, but it's still pretty good.

Alav hashalom. Hebrew.

Well, I just came out West to play a little Cowboys and Injuns with Big Chief Suckum Choad here.

How. Me suck pee pee in teepee.

The other person in the room who looks exactly like Grimace.

All right? It's got nothing to do with your body shape or your... the way your head goes into your shoulders so smoothly.

I don't care for movies.

It's bronze. Oh. Oh, bronze medal.

Fuck am I supposed to do with this?

I just sometimes need a little banking task force.

Well, ma'am, if you want, I can arrange a more discreet banking task force.

I don't want that kind of banking task force. I want the banking task force that I want.

We got... votes.

Oh, my God, this is my house. This is my house.

I'm feeling light-headed. That bottle's my only source of blood sugar.

Stop with the Kabuki show and eat a fucking cookie.

Can you go tell him to fuck a bag of glass or something?

So, economy czar, kids' birthday parties, reflecting pool boy.

Why did Tom James just wrap up his balls in butcher paper and put them in my purse?

We used to call that a Jimmy Carter.

Come on, that's like saying that the cat doesn't like you or that table doesn't like you.

In another person it would be bragging, but with you it's something different.

Oh, that was a fuck, comma, today, yes!

You didn't tell me faggy hair was here.

I thought that Carson City was, like, part of Las Vegas. Vegas is 432 miles away.

Sorry I'm not a 'where everything is' nerd.

You know, I hardly ever did that with President Hughes. And even when we did, I was just kind of going through the motions.

They call it the Pittsburgh of the South.

It's actually just me. I'm an only child.

Well, what you have here is a classic two fires, one glove situation. And you need to know which hand to put the glove on.

No, oh, wait a minute. You mean Nevada. Nevada. What did I say? You said Nebraska.

You know, I was over in the East Wing and I saw a painting of Sue holding George Washington's horse.

He fucked me and then he fucked me? What, is he trying to fuck me?

Were you fantasizing I had some sort of a goatee and was on the wait list for a liver?

Over? I didn't even know it was a thing. Absolutely not a thing. And if it was a thing, it's over.

Uh, he's a Charlie Baird.

Really? CBS? I would love to work at CBS.