Chicklet

American University sounds like a made-up college in Egypt.

You understand that, Amy, that even Richard has trouble understanding you?

Even that sanctimonious fraud Carter had a library.

American University, it's like American Univer-shit.

I also do wallpaper.

I look like I'm trying out for 'The Price is Right.'

God Almighty, I wish I'd been assassinated in office.

Although, with my luck, I'd be then crippled for life, sitting in a wheelchair in my reading room with my name on the thing.

They haven't agreed to putting your name on anything, ma'am.

Oh, God, I hate every food ever, from everywhere.

Have you tried ice cream? Ugh.

Is this the Hall of Half-Term Wonders?

I thought that was Craig T. Nelson.

The real one was made of wood.

Just do it before I melt down that whole collection and use it to wax Madame Tussauds' big, fat, nasty snatch!

Trust me, Amy, it was not the heart attack that depressed your dad.

I just feel like I'm a thick, dark fog and everyone disappoints me and nothing works out, and what's the point of anything anyway?

'Cause I'm getting 14 hours of sleep a night.

Both of them went to town on me. It was brutal. I cried so hard, I threw up, but it was the best thing I've ever done.

You're in therapy? Since when? Since I was 13.

Well, what you really needed was a dermatologist.

Well, my father and I both hate eating butterscotch, but love to say it. Butterscotch.

Oh, no, it's a graveyard that sells gum.

I show assholes the door.

Here's a statement... your investment is doing quite well.

And then we just hired the least fuckable press secretary we could find.

Huh, that's actually right when I started working with you.

which is a line of prison inmates standing on each other's shoulders trying to sodomize you.

I'm the daughter. Gross.

More crime means more for-profit prisons. We're gonna lock 'em up and we're gonna fry 'em.

If you kill them, they can't get arrested again. That's how we make our money.

Failure to thrive at birth... fuck that. Puberty at 19. When it hit, it hit like a fucking thunderbolt. Third grade reading level in the tenth grade.

Mother up and sold her. She hated all animals that she couldn't eat or wear.

In 10 years, we'll be taking vacations together.

What is this, Yonkers?

Oh, that Chinese one?

Grandma Splett always said that self-pleasure was a sin like microwaves or laughter.

No. Worse comes to worst, I'll burn in hell like Grandma Splett.

Honestly, it was one less thing to worry about.

They're fucking her in the ass?

You're as useless as a dick at a roller derby.

Zero anal access. How's that for a new deal?

for a president who is currently more famous for being a jizz sock for Times Square tourists

Your dad sold it to get the IRS off of his back.

Died right on top of her. What a way to go. She was built, my God.

you know, because your dad was always taking her to the doctor.

Pay me! Pay me, bitch!

Why do shoes cost so much money?! I wish I had peed first. Why do I always wait so long to pee? I'm a grown man! I shouldn't eat when I'm full!

I shouldn't eat when I'm full!

Don't you see? I had no choice but to go into politics and be extraordinary and a sex symbol.

Yes, Danny, I know that we're not actually fucking because you're not a billionaire and I don't wanna catch anything.

by two tits with a degree from American University over there.

So you don't scrape your head, you giant barbecue fork.

No, I'm gonna look like that old popcorn homo.

Well, ironically, I have bigger tits.

What does Rumpleforeskin want?

It's just, like, a woman's face with sunglasses on.

So, people were trying to have sex with my statue. Domestic terrorism.

Dominoes.