Iowa

I hate this country.

Yes, your stay in the insane asylum? It's really agreed with you. - Oh, it was a spa.

Selina Meyer travels the globe, spreading democracy like patient zero.

No justice, no library!

White working-class voters.

Well, second time's the charm. - Uh, it's actually the fourth. - Yeah, fourth time's the charm.

I don't really get it, actually.

Strategic Hypermetric Electoral Interactive Logistical Algorithm.

I like her more than I like the deaf girl. - Whatever happened to her? - The police have no leads.

This isn't a Terrence Malick movie. Sit.

What? Jesus, I thought you sent that thing to the 7-Eleven dumpster in the sky already.

Waitin' for the thing to get into fucking college?! What are you doing?!

I don't know what she's saying, so... here.

If you want me to use my own goddamn words, then write me something to say.

And take out the stuff about immigration 'cause I feel like it's a little too issue-y.

Right now I'm standing here, with my dick in my hand, in Cedar... Falls, Iowa!

If Mohamad Atta had you people booking his travel, he'd still be alive today. Which from his perspective, would be a massive fuck-up.

Muslim or white guy? - Don't know yet. - Which is better for me? - White guy. - Fingers crossed.

What dumb asshole said that?

How about I write 500 pages about how you need to start wearing concealer?

Two wheelchair guys behind him? What, we didn't get the point with the first one?

One wheelchair guy, good for you, two wheelchair guys, shame on me.

You're supposed to say, 'That's not our plan.'

What are you supposed to say then when the baby is being an asshole? For instance.

Catherine is Mama, and I'm Mom-Mom. - You didn't want to go with Mommy and Agent Palmiotti?

How can you tell? - Well, the haircut.

We still enjoy sex in the mornings, but in the evenings, hardly ever. And rarely penetrative.

Blue is the Most Annoying Color.

So I can nuke America. - That's actually not bad.

Why was six afraid of seven? Why? Because of my seven-eight-nine tax plan.

You know what I always thought the funniest number was? Eleven.

Yeah, Beth's my stepsister. - Did you guys not know that?

It's not like Beth and I did anything, unless you count her walking in while I was whackin' off all the time.

Because of my court-ordered chemical castration.

This doin' anything for you? Huh, right there? You like that? Not even a little tickle?

I didn't have my breakfast this morning, I will admit, so that makes me quite hungry.

My heart goes out to the families of the victims, and I want to offer them my, uh... mindfulness... and, uh, meditations un-unto the Lord

Even the name sounds like it's on meth.

'Boasters are roasters,' my Grandma Splett would always say. She had a form of rhyming dementia. It's called Lyndrome Syndrome.

Richard, is chocolate bad for dogs? - Oh, no, not bad. Deadly.

You love standing next to ugly women.

Ma'am, you're thinking of Idaho. Iowa is mostly meth labs.

That's mainly just a difference in branding.

I thought Keith Quinn was someone else!

This is a really big step up for me.

It's not like I murdered her.

I married my half-sister. - No, stepsister!

She doesn't give birth to a pile of legs or whatever.

I haven't eaten all day.

I don't want people to think that I was going for Mee-gan Ee-gan because that sounds like someone who gets ass-fucked on the Major Deegan in a limerick.

To give it to you, of course.

I took a dump on the glass ceiling, and I shaved my muff in the sink of the old boys' club.

America owes me an eight-year stay in the White House, and this time, I want a war!

It sounds like I'm shouting from a balcony in Munich. - Like Evita!

My spidey sense tells me she's gonna yelp like a seagull in a bread factory.

If you wanna go Dutch or whatever on the abortion, just hit me up on Venmo, OK? Oh, you know what? Make it public, OK? Shows I'm a gentleman.

This place has feminine symbolism spurtin' out of its dickhole.

Prancing in here with this la-dee-da attitude and total 'disregahd' for the working class people of this country

Actually, it's a synecdoche. - Technically, it's more of a goat rape than a clusterfuck.

Twenty-seven people have been killed. - Oh, my God. - Hohhh. - This can... work for us?

We have to send that shooter a nice thank-you card. - Actually, he shot himself before he could be apprehended. - I'll send something to his wife. - Oh. Actually, he shot her first.

Those hands are for making me Hot Pockets and nothing else.

The field could not be any clearer.