Colleen Donaghy

She's got a good, solid baby bucket.

She's like a white geisha.

And it's not 'Bee-yan-ka,' like Sanka. It's 'Bee-yon-ka,' like Willy Won... Wonka!

I was at a costume party earlier this evening. And the hostess's dog attacked me, so I had to stab it.

Tell him his mother's here. And she loves him. But not in a queer way.

Isn't this the office you had before? I thought you were up for a big promotion. / I am, Mother. And there are only two nicer offices in the whole building. / Only two? I don't like the odds. I think you better let that dream go.

Is she Spanish? / What if she was, Mother? / She's very smart, Colleen. You'd like her. / My thanks to the peanut gallery.

Jack... this coat isn't gonna take itself off.

The TV had over 100 channels, for God's sakes. I'm only gonna be here for three days!

Jack, do you have a bathroom that I can get to in a hurry? / Yes. Right... in here, Mother. / Well, that is close, isn't it?

Let's all meet down at the soda shop while this country turns into Mexico.

You give me 10 minutes with the Lemon family, and I'll have them tearing at each other like drag queens at a wig sale.

Really? Life is too short? Because your life seems endless.

Because the Lemons are not what they appear to be. I mean, I may be heavy furniture, but I did a pretty good job raising you.

Bingo.

Tomorrow night I'm gonna take you to a cathouse. / I hate cats. / You'll learn to love them.

Paul, this is Jack, my son. Jack, this is Paul Brett.

Paul lives in Florida. He paints landscapes and he makes his own soda.

It's Florida, Jack! It's like it never stopped being the '70s down there.

It's Florida, Jack! It's like it never stopped being the '70s down there. And a guy like Paul, who can drive at night, You just don't say no to that!

That man left and came back so many times That I totally lost count! One night, he went out to move the car, And he was gone... From the spring of '57 until... One night he just showed up out of the blue! 'put your shoes on, Collie. We're goin' to see some like it hot.'

You're nothing like him, you know. No way you ever could be.

Necktie. Too late, Jackie.

our lady of reluctant integration in waltham

who pours scotch like a woman

Two women, Jack, at the same time. What are you, Italian?

Just bring my son one of everything. That way, he doesn't have to choose.

Mrs. Donaghy keeps tricking me and running away, but not anymore. Carl, they need you out in the hall. Yes, ma'am!

because chest-wise you have the measurements of an altar boy.

I've got to get back to calling Kenneth 'carl' to see if he ever corrects me. Carl! Yes, ma'am?

I assume herpes.

I'll be circling the globe in my coffin rocket. Something I saw on tv. It's very expensive.

I can't!

I didn't care much for the gazpacho soup. I mean, where's the fun of sending it back because it isn't hot?

What are my chums at the death shore retirement community gonna say... When I tell them that my unmarried son has knocked up a protestant?

It should have gone to the other boy!

Most people thought I was a hero for killing Lydia's parrot.

He got me a kidney... From Elvis Costello.

Welcome to my Christmas Attack Zone.

I had a couple of rich men die on top of me.

Seems like people are back on my side, Jackie.

You insult your own intelligence.

You are a war criminal. I hate to say it.

Dr. Singh, are you stealing my hats? What do you do, feed them to your cow God?

Ooh, sofa. Somebody got all flouncy when I wasn't looking. What are you gonna do, put on your galoshes and go eat some fruit, like a Frenchman?

What are you gonna do, put on your galoshes and go eat some fruit, like a Frenchman?

Yes, I know it's over, Kouchie. Unlike you, I have eyes.

This is supposed to be a hospital, not a Japanese internment camp I volunteered at during the war.

What if I run into Eloise? Am I supposed not to mention the fact that she has a gay grandson? Everybody knows!

Can we do something about the temperature in here? I'd like it humid and cold. Duck!

God on a wheel! Jackie and I know how we feel. We don't have to say it out loud like a couple of gays getting married in jean shorts in Provincetown while I'm just trying to enjoy an ice cream on the pier!

'Say it out, speak it clear. You should listen, dude. Also, hear. It's too late, when--' You have two minutes to find that battery before I die.

Sew up your cabbage hole, girl.

If you were my kid, I'd mail you back to the stork.

Well, she's wearing it pulled back, but it's not working. Exactly, because of her ears.

I see her spot in front of my left eye. If this turns out to be a stroke, you're in charge of plucking my chin.

I have a few things I want to say to you before I meet the Grim Reaper, who is black, I assume, what, with the hoodies he wears.

I didn't trust that scout master. He was always wearing shorts.

For grave robbers.

I went down to a pack a day for you!

I was watching TV, and they started interviewing an Asian Santa Claus, and my arm went numb!

My father did not kill dozens of Germans so that his daughter could die in a van!

The horse is one of only three appropriate subjects for a painting, along with ships with sails and men holding up swords while staring off into the distance.

I'm going out of this world exactly the way I came into it. Wearing a hat!

Are you the same guy as before, or does that sun-bleached turd have a twin brother?

I breastfed you for nine years!