Christmas Attack Zone

You want to go to the Penn Station Kmart with me and then watch Tootsie?

My aunt Linda is bringing her new boyfriend, who is neither her age nor her race. And her ex-husband will also be there with his date, alcoholism.

I swoop in the next day for presents and pie.

Because my youthful energy makes her feel young? No, because she views you as a peer she can complain with about how no one wears pantyhose any longer.

Ah, how are we supposed to conceal our spider veins? Bare-legged at Christmas.

As an actor, it is my job to tell the truth, hold the mirror to humanity, and sell proactiv.

Ever since Tracy got nominated for a Golden Globe, he thinks he's Sean Penn. Well, they have both had screaming fights with Wyclef Jean.

Also replicas of the David urinate vodka.

The party or Paul? The party, Liz.

Happy holidays is what terrorists say.

Oh, it's just Liz. Why do people always say that?

Avery is keeping her pregnancy a secret at work, so she's been carrying around large objects whenever she's in the building.

That's why I like dating older men. Their parents are usually dead or senile, so there's never an argument about the holidays.

I have been watching The Mentalist a lot lately, because my tv's on CBS, and I lost my remote. I think I've become a body-language expert.

For instance, I can now tell that Jack wants to kill the person to his right.

We Donaghys believe that, when there's something at all delicate to talk about, it is best to suppress it until it erupts into a fistfight at a church barbecue.

The symbol on the Jessup family crest is a knight refusing to talk about his feelings

I am 'The Mentaliz.'

Thanks, K-L-M-N-O-P.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to celebrate the life of Althea Chunk. Damn, that's funky. Obesity is killing the african-american community... With laughter.

It's 67 minutes of me acting like a hilarious fool.

I had to go on Charlie Rose, Kenneth, Charlie Rose! Oh, that's horrible.

From now on, the only movies Tracy Jordan makes are about the holocaust, Georgia O'Keeffe, or both.

I didn't care much for the gazpacho soup. I mean, where's the fun of sending it back because it isn't hot?

What are my chums at the death shore retirement community gonna say... When I tell them that my unmarried son has knocked up a protestant?

It should have gone to the other boy!

Most people thought I was a hero for killing Lydia's parrot.

Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were a transvestite.

The coverage preempted a tampon commercial she was in.

I don't think about kissing her or laughing with her or photographing her with just salamanders covering her nipples.

You can't be on the floor without your roller skates, Rick. I'm not Rick.

Welcome to my Christmas Attack Zone.

I could be sitting at the corner table at the Kmart Cafe right now.

But I once saw Colleen provoke a Buddhist monk into whipping a battery at her.

Oh, Jack, this is going to be the best winter's Eve light festival ever.

'Joy, beautiful spark of the gods, daughter of Elysium.' And, Liz, you're already showing.

It's a girl! She'll be intuitive.

By the way, we have a tradition in my family where we let the child name itself. Oh, yeah, that's hippie nonsense. Absolutely not. Well, suit yourself, but my son Spider-Man turned out just fine.

I once french-kissed a dog at a party to try to impress what turned out to be a very tall 12-year-old.

It was designed by M.C. Escher. These stairs are weird.

I certainly wasn't going to pretend those trash cans were my parents.

Russell Crowe is having an auction to benefit the victims of his own mood swings.

In the Darfur region, the dead may be the lucky ones.

Except for Insulin, spironolactone, and bupropion, which I have for you whenever you're ready, sir.

My gift to you is the feeling of superiority you'll have for the next two seconds.

Because, you know, when you're pregnant, one bottle of wine a day, and that's it.

He got me a kidney... From Elvis Costello.

Going on father-and-son habitat for humanity builds and road trips in my V.W. van.

I want to eat shrimp off an old gay dressed as baby new year.

Welcome to my Christmas Attack Zone.

Ladies of the battered women's shelter, please be quiet, a man is talking.

You're gonna see poverty, drug abuse, and a bunch of babies having a hammer fight in a dumpster.

Actually, he's behind you, Tracy. He rode over here with us. You talked to him the whole ride.

I give you The Chunks 2: A very chunky Christmas.

I had a couple of rich men die on top of me.

Listen to me, damn it. I'm a doctor. Of history.

In what emergency would you be necessary... If someone wanted to know whether the '60s were awesome or not? They were.

Seems like people are back on my side, Jackie.

You dress as Natalie Portman from the movie Black Swan, and I dress as former Pittsburgh Steelers Wide Receiver and Pennsylvania Gubernatorial Nominee Lynn Swann. We're two black swans.

I have a crush on the mentalist.

I'm gonna go get a bus to white haven now, and I should be home just in time for aunt Linda to try to prove that she's sober by holding someone's baby while cooking.

Just my mom and dad yelling at me together.

You insult your own intelligence.

You are a war criminal. I hate to say it.

And somebody needs to clean this table up. It's disgusting.