Dennis Duffy

Maybe we'll see Natalie Morales, you know? That little firecracker, she gets my blood running south of the border.

Oh, my God, I hope it's his daughter. Yeah, me too. Oh, my God! Oh! God, I hope it's his mistress.

Hey, 007, how about some more rolls over here, huh?

Actually, I'm allergic to all fish unless it's fried.

You know there are 17 rats per person in Manhattan? You eat a pound of rat crap every year without even knowing it, huh?

If anyone sees a salamander, it's Liz's. No. I don't want a salamander!

Oh, yeah, for now. But the beeper's gonna be making a comeback. Technology's cyclical.

it's when a bunch of rats are crammed into a tiny space, and their tails get all tangled up, and they can't even pull apart. And then it gets awesome. Eventually, their bodies fuse together and they form a multi-headed live rat king.

There's no reason to live anymore. What happened? The Islanders lost tonight. Doesn't that happen a lot?

Why is there hair everywhere? Did you shave in the kitchen? The water in here is softer.

Look at this ski-jumping idiot, Bode Miller. What kind of a fruity name is Bode?

That cereal has the Olympics on it? It must be eight months old.

When you and me have kids, we're gonna give them good names, like Shannon or Rick. When we what?

Look at this maze. It's so easy. You have to go in here, and out there.

Oh, Dennis. I just did my hair. Oh, that's my girl.

Call Ticketmaster right away. Nickleback just added another date, right? I would do it on your computer, but I'm downloading a game right now.

So what did you want to talk to me about, huh? Nothing. I forget. I just want to listen to you play Halo 'til I fall asleep.

I'm gonna mount a TV on your wall. I just can't find a stud. So you made nine holes in my wall? No, those are for the shelves, dummy.

It's gonna be like a hospital.

That's my cousin Teddy's Great Dane. I told him I'd watch him for a couple weeks. 'cause Teddy broke his ankle running from some black guys that pulled a gun on him.

They weren't muggers. They were cops. So why don't you just say he was running from some cops? I don't know, I mean, you're a racist for assuming that they weren't cops.

Ack, allergies are all mental.

Which is it: you love me or you got squatter's rights? I don't see why they're mutually exclusive!

Hi. I got donuts. What's up, brown eyes? I made chili.

Dear Liz Lemon, While other women have bigger boobs than you, no woman has as big a heart.

I cried like a big dumb homo.

But there's a new thing called 'women's liberation' which gives you women the right to choose, and you have chosen to abort me.

you have chosen to abort me

Hey. Threesome? How about it, huh? Mmm!

It's like my cousin Teddy's dog. Sometimes he just doesn't wanna lick my feet. So what I do is, I hide my feet from him for a couple of days, and then when he sees them, he goes bananas.

Sometimes he just doesn't wanna lick my feet. So what I do is, I hide my feet from him for a couple of days, and then when he sees them, he goes bananas.

I know this might be emotional for you, so there's a meatball sub in the fridge.

Yeah, uh, 22. I think. You wanna try again? Crap. That girl said she was 16, but I swear to God I could tell she was 22.

You can't break up with me. I already broke up with you! Fine! Then we agree to disagree!

Thank you, mayor Bloomberger.

And Dateline predator. / Exonerated Dateline predator.

Like the Giuliani campaign.

We're like Ross and Rachel, but just not gay.

She told me that her last boyfriend was Asian. And that crap doesn't start until college.

It's the Stanley cup, honey. It's hockey's ultimate prize. And me and it, we're teaming up to fight illiteracy.

All I could think about was Derek Jeter. And it was like, check this out, Jeter, you think you're better than me?

They should call this thing 'The Weeks.'

What, are you gearing up for swimsuit season?

Social conservative, fiscal liberal.

I almost joined the marines once.

Not thinking is what makes America great.

Like a killer whale going nuts on his trainer at sea world.

You know a stripper offered to give me a squeezer last night. A white stripper.

The mighty ducks are mad at me because I left the Stanley cup on a water taxi.

Yeah, it's totally biased against the Irish, you know.

Ah, damn, it's the wrong track. It's stupid express.

You'll be back, Liz Lemon. You'll be back. / You'll be back, dummy.

Pre... before. Natal... ruined.

if it's a boy, we're gonna name him Morpheus like that guy in 'The Matrix.' If it's a girl... I used to boff this chick named Judy, and I would love to honor her.

Morpheus hears everything that you say.

Hello, dummy. No. Nope. Not interested. Have a good life.

One word. Coffee. One problem. Where do you get it? Anywhere. You get it anywhere. Wrong.

38th and 6th in the basement of the K-Mart. You just go downstairs, you get the key from David, and boom. You plug in the machine

I am sorry that my disease has made you a victim of my sexual charisma. I am sorry that I have ruined you for other men.

My support group? It's lousy with nymphos.

With the help of Web M.D., I was recently self-diagnosed as a sex addict.

You know, I was the love of Liz's life. I'm not sure you were, but apology accepted.

You want me to rank you. Apples and oranges, ladies.

I'm ranking you now. Hey, blondie. You're number one. I don't care! Thank you, Dennis.

I've got a personalized vibration for each chick I used to put it to.

No, no, no, Jose. Only babies out here. Don't you want to be a big boy?

What was the one mistake those people in Denver made? One mistake? Yeah, there was no kid in the balloon.

This is a public park named after Ron Artest.

I knew you were supposed to push, but I didn't say anything.

Get out of here, Joey. I'm recording my voicemail message.

Yeah, I'm here to boff some chick named Mary. Hey... threesome?

We didn't give up when America sent us back. And we didn't give up when Ireland then just set us adrift on a log, all right?

Gas has no effect on me at all. When I was growing up, my school, Gerry Cooney Elementary, it was right next to a gas works in Queens.

Our parents voted to spend it on a boat that the families could share, but then that sank.

'cause you're a cook in the bedroom and a whore in the kitchen.

It's like Netflix, but you go to a store, and you pick out your video from a limited selection. It'd be like five years ago.

All I have is this kick-ass laser pointer that I point at nerds' crotches in the park.

I tried to steal beer from a Duane reade, and some black guy cold-cocked me. / Ooh, like a security guard? / I don't know, pal. I don't see people that way

I got this new business where I burn your old DVDs onto laserdisc

I don't have health insurance because of Obama

We're bang brothers

You'll be back. / If I ever see you again, I'll kill you. / You'll be back, Liz Lemon. You'll be back

Criss, get in here. There's a lez movie on showtime

Their daughter, she goes off to college, and Mark Ruffalo, he's just gonna do his own thing with the restaurant

She's a card girl at kangaroo boxing matches, so she's got a body, and she's loaded. Her grandfather invented the stop sign

You're the most Irish person here

I've got a brand-new business selling suicide insurance, and it's going great.

Obviously, he's gonna be an athlete, so I only got to save up for, like, one year of college.

You remember Megan Duffy, maiden name Duffy. Hopefully no relation.

We decided to adopt 'cause Megan's real career-oriented right now, didn't want to wreck her boobs.

Couple months later, boom, we got Black Dennis.

Yeah, right, Liz, the guy with the black son is racist.

Later days, dummies. 21st-century family coming through! This is the new normal!

Mazel tov, dummies. You're Jewish, right, Liz?

Ergo. Affleck's finally gonna get that Oscar.

Black Dennis, start the car!

Black Dennis got some cop's gun!