Jack Meets Dennis

Maybe we'll see Natalie Morales, you know? That little firecracker, she gets my blood running south of the border.

Aw, you said 'Chinese' instead of something offensive.

Yes, I'm annoying, not the man who honked your boobs on the jumbo screen.

That was before. And it was the playoffs.

The old Beeper King retired... Well, technically he shot himself.

You sent a letter to Scott Peterson. After he dyed his hair and got super thin from all the stress.

Fast and only on Saturdays. It's perfect.

Oh...'Normal.' How dare they?

It only looks like I'm walking out of a Starbucks when, actually, I'm doing the robot goin' backwards into a Starbucks.

If I'm not a movie star, then I'm poor. And poor people can't afford to pay back the $75,000 in cash they owe Quincy Jones!

What's a drive-in? Of course. I don't know why I bothered to ask.

I can tell just from your physical appearance that you're obviously... 29.

Yeah, like if she walked in right now and said she wanted to do it with you, you would. I definitely would.

When someone asks an actress how old she is, it's more statement than question.

But she's old. She's like 38. I'm gonna be sick.

What tragedy happened in your life that you insist upon punishing yourself with all this... mediocrity?

you have a piece of lettuce stuck in your hair.

He gave us the names of the most discreet private investigators to spy on our ex-wives.

There appears to be a gentleman making passionate, angry, love to himself.

Am I wrong, or is he in the middle of a staff meeting?

Oh, my God, I hope it's his daughter. Yeah, me too. Oh, my God! Oh! God, I hope it's his mistress.

Hey, 007, how about some more rolls over here, huh?

I didn't know they served chicken nuggets at this restaurant. It's cod. It's, uh-- They made it special.

Actually, I'm allergic to all fish unless it's fried.

You know there are 17 rats per person in Manhattan? You eat a pound of rat crap every year without even knowing it, huh?

I hope you enjoy the, uh, choices that you've made.

And that former call girl went on to become one of NBC's biggest news anchors.

[screaming] No!

He fixed my toilet. He broke it first, but he fixed it.

I can't just go to Central Park and join the singles touch football league. Like I'd want to anyway. People in those posters, always laughing in their sweaters. Who are they foolin'?

Dennis is my boyfriend because he inquired. He was the only applicant, and I am not-- Doin' great.

Really? This water-- does someone boil it first, then throw it in your face?

No, younger even. You look like a fetus.

I just mentioned Dennis, and your eyebrows didn't go up. They didn't? No. How about now? Unh-uh. Anything?

If anyone sees a salamander, it's Liz's. No. I don't want a salamander!

Oh, yeah, for now. But the beeper's gonna be making a comeback. Technology's cyclical.

it's when a bunch of rats are crammed into a tiny space, and their tails get all tangled up, and they can't even pull apart. And then it gets awesome. Eventually, their bodies fuse together and they form a multi-headed live rat king.

[whispering] I love him.

Who normal now? You hear me, America? Who's normal now?

And when you purchase Tracy Jordan, he comes with a tattoo of a biblical dragon from outer space.

Jenna looks like a porn star burn victim, and now this idiot.

I'm here to give you the gift... of pain. The gift of what? White diamonds! Ha ha!

I'm here to give you the gift... of pain. The gift of what? White diamonds!

Oh, I can't. I'm expecting a call from 1983.

I'm married with two beautiful kids and a pool. (Jack) Liz, I wasn't trying to set you up. I wanted to show you my handiwork.

I dressed poorly, had bad posture, walked around with lettuce in my hair. Oh, son of a bitch.

Now Howard's earning seven figures and he's married to a swell Filipino gal.

Are we still talking about the sandwich place? No, sadly, I don't think we are.

Are we still talking about the sandwich place? No, sadly, I don't think we are.

Dennis isn't a sandwich I want to eat every day for the rest of my life.

because sadly, you may be the most stable person I know right now.

Because he wears shirts with the Looney Tunes embroidered on them. Because he cuts his own hair.

That's right. He's the rat king.

That's right. He's the rat king. And there's only one way to break up with a rat. You have to cut him off completely.

You have to stuff your heart with steel wool and tinfoil. You must be ruthless. You must to be absolute. Remember always, you are The Exterminator.

Look, I'm crazy, not stupid. A movie star can't have a big old permanent face tattoo.

I had extreme plastic surgery to have it removed. Ba-boom! That's another 'Not Normal.'

Wayne Brady has three Emmys. You have a People's Choice Award that you stole from Wayne Brady.

First of all, I'm not from Whiteville. I'm from White Haven, and it's not as nice as it sounds.

[indistinctly] And I'm John Kerry.

No wonder your career is being held back by a lack of foresight and an addiction to dysfunctional relationships.

He knows about my marriage? No.

Yo, this blackout messed me up. I didn't get to debut my dragon face. Could I do the Today Show tomorrow?

Tattoo's fake, Donaghy. Fake. Street cred. He's a genius.

There's no reason to live anymore. What happened? The Islanders lost tonight. Doesn't that happen a lot?

So how did it go? He moved in with me. Well, of course he did.