The Break-Up

I'm gonna mount a TV on your wall. I just can't find a stud. So you made nine holes in my wall? No, those are for the shelves, dummy.

It's gonna be like a hospital.

That's my cousin Teddy's Great Dane. I told him I'd watch him for a couple weeks. 'cause Teddy broke his ankle running from some black guys that pulled a gun on him.

They weren't muggers. They were cops. So why don't you just say he was running from some cops? I don't know, I mean, you're a racist for assuming that they weren't cops.

Ack, allergies are all mental.

Which is it: you love me or you got squatter's rights? I don't see why they're mutually exclusive!

Hi. I got donuts. What's up, brown eyes? I made chili.

I guess they were mostly food related.

That thing licked my eyes this morning.

Oh, you mean like at a discotheque?

Allergies are all in the mind, Lemon. I use to have a wicked peanut allergy. And now, witness.

Are you dating Condoleeza Rice? I'm not at liberty to say.

Yeah, and it must be hard for her to get cell phone reception when she's so far up the president's butt.

I'm choosing to ignore that remark on the basis that you are a godless, glassy-eyed Clintonista.

this collection of ladies' unmentionables with snaps and openings all over the place

Rodney, don't make me come over there and beat you in the head with one of my boom-booms!

Hunky Grandma Be Trippin' made $96 million.

Black Frasier? Niles, this Beaujolais is impeccable. It's both fruity and precocious. That's not the only thing around here that's fruity and precocious.

Every Thursday night at about 9:00 or 9:15.

Bernie Mac doesn't do it 'cause he'd be ugly as hell.

I'll do it. I mean, my parents raised me as a girl for, like, ten years. What? I told you guys that.

I know this great karaoke place where you can get a pedicure while you sing.

When I'm right here, you need to be here. Not here. Here is embarrassing.

Whoopi Goldberg does it every day!

I wanna hold a mirror up to society, and then win world record for biggest mirror.

You and Jenna play Sleestaks from Land of the Lost and you're trying to get a small business loan. Because you want to open up a pancake house called Slee's Stacks.

Are you black?

Next time I see Putin, I'm gonna kick his teeth in.

Well, now you're just being patronizzle.

Standing there with your pants that fit. Using a wallet. Drinking Starbucks.

Yeah, I think they're from the firm of Date-Rape, Coke-ington Cheeseball, and Jag.

Oh, really, dude? I gotta move my coat? There's like four empty seats down there. Can't you just be cool?

Do you think he'd buy me mozzarella sticks?

You could put a long, blonde wig on a ferret and it would like Jessica Simpson.

You could put a long, blonde wig on a ferret and it would like Jessica Simpson.

I learned the truth at seventeen. That love was meant for beauty queens. And high school girls with clear skin smiles. Who married young and then retired.

Mr. Jordan called me... the N-word. And? And I was really offended. Because... Because it's a racial slur.

You might as well spread me down with a fire hose.

Dear Liz Lemon, While other women have bigger boobs than you, no woman has as big a heart.

I cried like a big dumb homo.

But there's a new thing called 'women's liberation' which gives you women the right to choose, and you have chosen to abort me.

you have chosen to abort me

Hey. Threesome? How about it, huh? Mmm!

It's how I decided to get a scooter instead of a bike.

It's like my cousin Teddy's dog. Sometimes he just doesn't wanna lick my feet. So what I do is, I hide my feet from him for a couple of days, and then when he sees them, he goes bananas.

Sometimes he just doesn't wanna lick my feet. So what I do is, I hide my feet from him for a couple of days, and then when he sees them, he goes bananas.

Queerburger. Faggotron. Gaybird. Uh, the word for black in any language, Néro, noir, schwartz, negro, kam-an-sek.

Sneaky Taiwanese tranny who stole my watch.

It's Dr. Martin Luther King, and he did not have a feeling, he had a dream.

Like professor Martin Luther King said, I have a feeling.

Uncle Tom, party of one.

I know this might be emotional for you, so there's a meatball sub in the fridge.

Pro. Fixed TV.

Hello, I'm Star Jones. And welcome to the Star Jones Gastric Bypass Cooking Show. Now you know, I can only eat small portions. Oh, my goodness! Dessert.

Mark Foley's pajama party.

I mean, I'm all for fantasy role-play, but Abu-Ghraib?

I'm all for fantasy role-play, but Abu-Ghraib?

Jack likes Dennis.

Yeah, uh, 22. I think. You wanna try again? Crap. That girl said she was 16, but I swear to God I could tell she was 22.

You can't break up with me. I already broke up with you! Fine! Then we agree to disagree!