Hank Hooper

I'm a hugger. No. Doesn't count as a hug unless it goes on for ten seconds.

Or 'hey, idiot,' like my wife does. I'm kidding. She's an angel.

This is no longer the executive dining room. It's the Everyone dining room.

Do you know who came up with the idea for the DVR? It was the guy who drives me home every night. The original name for the DVR was 'The Thing Carlos Thought Of.'

What is this green stuff? Wipe it off. Wipe it off!

I had naan.

What's six sigma? Rock band?

You could call it 'Blabar.'

I don't fly, but I got my own bus with a pool table in it.

We'll drive to Branson together sometime, take in a Yakov Smirnoff show. Doesn't Russia sound like a crazy place?

Oh, I didn't notice you there, son. You do not have a lot of charisma.

You have a reputation, Jack, as a shark. Kabletown, we're not sharks. We're more like... Whatever the friendliest fish is.

I'm not a science guy.

It doesn't count as a hug unless it goes on for ten seconds. You got that right, son. One...Mississippi...

pardon my French... bonjour.

Now, that's a joke, but I am really, really mad!

Remember when a movie was just a fella with a hat running away from a fella with no hair?

But that's just a little shrapnel side effect from Vietnam.

We throw him in a ditch!

Well, I'll be Bake McBrided.

Without Tracy, your show is like my cholesterol. The numbers are killing me.

Just like the army doctor said to me after my weekend in Okinawa.

Jack Welch once smacked a pretzel out of my hand at the Super Bowl.

I mean, look at March of the Penguins. Who was in that?

I was sitting in that chair a minute ago. Nope. That was me. What can I say. I smell like leather.

Well, I'll be Bake McBrided

Without Tracy, your show is like my cholesterol. The numbers are killing me.

So you did 99 shows against all odds and reason

Just like the Army doctor said to me after my weekend in Okinawa!

Jack Welch once smacked a pretzel out of my hand at the Super Bowl

Oh, really? Was it invisible?

I drove all the way up here from Philadelphia listening to Garrison Keillor and just getting psyched for a fun day.

What Jack did is a "whoopsie-daisy," like a baby or a woman would do.

Good job, Jack. Blame it on an albino. Classic, 'cause it works.

Last time I was this excited was this morning. I saw a cat wearing the same sweater as its person.

To sit on their couches, and hear stories. Here's one. 1968. We were on patrol somewhere near the Cambodian border.

So we boiled the skull, and made a tea kettle out of it

If I get thirsty, I'll just drink the water from lunch I saved in my cheek

If I get thirsty, I'll just drink the water from lunch I saved in my cheek.

Taking my original buttocks wasn't enough for those bastards

Taking my original buttocks wasn't enough for those bastards.

I fell asleep at a Raymour and Flanigan last week, and a black family tried to buy me

Not buying the Phillies, not marrying my wife sooner, and not surprising you any quicker with this hug

She wanted to be cremated, and she ended up dying in a fire. Such a considerate woman.

That's the same age I was when I started Kabletown, got married, and had my first white child.

What? Is this guy trying to tank the company? But, boy, you proved me wrong.

Celebrity homonym is the number-one show in America.

It'll work great, just like Conan and Jay.

Next Friday is your last show.