Family Ties

Wow! Look at the beak on that bird.

A deformed neighbor or... A child that Mom and Dad gave up for some reason, and whose identity they're now using to pin their crimes on.

Yeah, but that was retard... misguided.

Oh, there's the woman I'm sexually attracted to.

Yes. Lindsay and I are planning a night of heterosexual intercourse.

You can just say intercourse.

I tried that. It didn't work either.

Oh, you know what? I've already prepared a list of 'won'ts.' / Oh, you're not going to believe this. My list of 'can'ts.'

We're married?

as real and binding as the rice pudding the disoriented patients had thrown at them

Oh, please. Pity the fool who gives me a bunch of jibber-jabber about romance.

I mean, if someone was always asking you to embrace the Holy Trinity, what would you think they meant?

Gob thought it meant a three-way.

Sister? Uh... No, I don't. Not really... ringing any bells. Other than Lindsay, of course. Oh! Lindsay!

Oh, Lindsay and Tobias never visit. / Oh, we're so bad!

You call him that, too? It's so nice to be able to talk like this.

Think of it as a giant delete key.

Oh, well, excuse me, Judge Reinhold, but I am trying to protect my family.

Well, it wasn't really your 50th birthday.

It's costing us a fortune. He's sleeping us dry.

I wish you would say something. Of course, if you did, everything would be ruined 'cause you wouldn't be as pure.

Just the one who married Lindsay. / Oh, it isn't fun to talk like this?

Like Tom here. / I'm 30. / You're kidding me!

K-Y Pro, huh? Hey, don't get any moisture on these bab... Hey.

Yeah, well, we were probably all so jacked up on amyl and disco music, we didn't notice.

I was hoping to have a jaw session with you. / Well, why don't we just say--as long as that means a talk.

Michael. / Can you believe it? / You're married to my sister. / Don't you think I know that?!

No, no, did you think you were the Michael I was talking about? / Interesting that your mind went there, though.

I'm afraid the Michael I'm talking about is all lady.

Wise words, Boy Michael.

Hey, coulda, shoulda, woulda. Hey, hey. No, no. Ooh, look, number's up.

I believe death is wrong in all of its forms. Except lethal injection, but that's just as a deterrent against more death.

That is unless, of course, it's as a penalty in a three-strike scenario.

She grew into the nose.

Most prostitutes are.

Well, I was buried in loan debt from business school, so I started whoring myself out.

I do all sorts of scenes.

The extensive bleeped-out list of sexual won'ts

I bought you a wedding ring... tone.

Nellie has blown them all away. / Yeah, well, I think it's crazy. / You forgot to say 'away' again.

No, you'd just, you'd go out and you'd just whore it up, Lindsay, you know? Now she's different.

It's like we finish each other's... / Sandwiches? / Sentences. / Why would I say...? / Sandwiches? / That time I was going to say sandwiches.

Well, excuse me, Judge Reinhold, but I'm feeling a little pressure here.

Let's face it. There's no denying that there's a heat between us. / I'd like to deny that.

Franklin is Frank? / Mr. F.

I ain't so little when I take my pants off, lady.

No, I think that's going to be something big.

I just assumed you wanted a Holy Trinity.

She's my prostitute. / But sex wasn't one of them. I just want my brother to envy my money, but he's got that hair.

She's a prostitute! That's her job!

I make 300 grand a year. / Marry me.

It's weird on so many levels.