Elroy Patashnik

When my phone rings and I say hello, and they say, is Pablo there? I don't say, who's asking, I say, wrong number.

That doesn't mean anything. I can copy a file by holding my finger down on a phone. Well, so can a monkey.

You bet your sweet ass I saw Lawnmower Man. I consulted on it. Took Brigitte Nielsen to the premiere.

To use a phrase I coined in the 90s, I'm going in. You coined that? Oh yeah, lock and load. That's mine too.

Here's your power. Yeah. Now, manipulate worlds.

And that, my friend, is the Greendale effect. I'll never get out of here, will I? I haven't met many that do.

They took my snake, and they turned it into a plumber. They made the eggs, into barrels. The pine tree they made into a gorilla, but I recognized my design. Donkey Kong my ass. That's construction snake.

Why would a tree throw eggs at a snake? / Why would a papal be fighting a monkey?

I'm assuming it's still the same, smaller holes, more bytes. / Now what are we up to now, mega? / Tera. / They did it, those bastards. They finally did it.

Can I be his assistant? / Not for money. / Can I be his friend? / Elroy Abed is your friend.

Kid, animals have been murdering each other for 3 billion years. Birds have had their 15 million in the spotlight.

But we can't do any of it while scheduling our evolution around the needs of the least lucky birds.

This is two white security guards versus one unarmed black man and two baby birds. Your move.

Maybe that's the lesson. / Maybe we all lost a button.

I have a brain the size of Jupiter. I'm nobody's fourth Ghostbuster.

Is this a cult? Are you gonna eat me?

That's the black guy in every sci-fi movie. I'll allow it.

You're going to be punished in ways you won't understand for longer than you think is rational or possible.

There's a kid outside throwing tennis balls against my RV.

Pelton, I can't keep track of all the parakeets you had growing up

You could cut the hardline at the mainframe. Hardline. Mainframe.

You were being sarcastic? Yeah, but you should look at this.

3D models you've been making of our bodies without our permission. That's what those photos were for? I'm making a game about lady time travelers. Where in your pants?

Jezel is like a daughter to me. But arguably more like a daughter to her parents.

Did he own a rainbow? Was he the group's pharmacist?

Unless I need wrench made of licorice.

You weird, hair gelled, CPR dummy.

What's that thing that castles have? A moat. It goes over the moat.

A drawbridge, a drawbridge.

Telegram for Elroy Patashnik. Oh, my God. My Aunt Baba died on vacation while in Africa. But she left me a million dollars, but the African government wants to seize the funds.

For the love of God, stop charging your phones! Aah!

Flooded? So help me God.

Secondary. We overloaded the electrical system, and killed the engine battery. So now, the secondary battery has maybe three or four hours of juice - Charge, juice, charge.

You know, I'm starting to suspect the unthinkable. Namely, that in spite of all we've experienced, there's a cartoonish vampiric orgy of personal devices somewhere in the RV sucking away our remaining battery.

Most conventional weapons don't require electricity.

I'm scaling the blanket rations inversely to the wattage of each person's phone. That way the person who killed us the most will die the soonest, which feels fair.

That vinyl accordion partition is a totem of distrust.

I made a stinky.

My name is Elroy Patashnik, and from 2006 to 2009, I was addicted to encouraging white people.

My name is Elroy Patashnik, and from 2006 to 2009, I was addicted to encouraging white people.

The thing is, and this will sound racist, white people are very discouraged, and very discouraging to each other.

There's no lid.

And now, this is a man that knows how to marry his cousin.

What? That's crazy! People use LinkedIn? No, LinkedIn hired me to help figure out why people don't use it.