The Actor

Jemaine:It was terrible.

Bret:It was just the wrong sort of crowd.

Jemaine:You can't call that a crowd.

Bret:Yeah, three's a crowd.

Ben/Actor:Your act is sensational... The idea of a pair of naive idiots from New Zealand... it's so simple, it's genius. You just pick an obscure backwards country that nobody knows anything about... very funny.

Ben/Actor:So where are you guys from? The Julliard School of the Performing Arts?

Bret:We're from New Zealand.

Ben/Actor:Lord of the Rings, Frodo. The ring. Anyway, don't let me bore you with my knowledge of New Zealand.

Bret:This says 'Dry Cleaners.'

Ben/Actor:The other side. Written in pencil.

Jemaine:I tried to talk to a guy but he told me to shut up 'cause he was reading the paper.

Bret:Oh, you don't disturb people reading the paper, Jemaine. Could be big news he was getting into.

Bret:What about if we give out some free pencils?

Jemaine:No, you're not in New Zealand now, Bret.

Bret:I know, but we gave them out, remember that? We got a box of 20 pencils... and that night... 20 people.

Bret, Jemaine:We brought you a cake in the shape / Of a four and a three / 'Cause we all thought you were 43

Jemaine:You've got a wife, though she comes and go-o-oes

Bret:People will call you 'Ginger Balls'

Jemaine:They'll call you 'Ginger Balls'

Bret:But those people don't know what they see

Jemaine:They just see Ginger Balls

Venue worker:We ran out of soup two hours ago, Marty.

Murray:I couldn't even get that right.

Ben/Actor:Hey, hello. I'm Stefan.

Ben/Actor:Hey, what... what's with all the commotion? What's this commotion? Explain to me what's with the commotion!

Ben/Actor:Hey, watch out, you flamin' drongo! Don't be such a flamin' bloody drongo!

Bret:Could you do it in your normal voice, maybe?

Ben/Actor:No. That's not acting.

Opportunity is in itself reward. And so it begins. Ding.

Stefan... Gucci, you know, from the record company.

which record company was that?

You know, the... the big one.

Sony?

Yeah, uh-huh. Sony.

Murray:Please offer us a record contract. Please? I'm begging you. Come on, please. Please. Please give us a record deal. Oh, come on.

Ben/Actor:Okay then.

Murray:Really?

Ben/Actor:Yeah, why not?

Ben/Actor:Well, I flew in a supersonic jet.

Murray:Wow, a supersonic jet.

Bret:I think you've offered us a rejection deal.

Murray:No no, he's offered us a record acceptance deal.

Ben/Actor:We're thinking a $1-million deal and we are firm on that, okay? That's our final offer.

Murray:No. No way.

Ben/Actor:Yes.

Murray:No.

Ben/Actor:Okay, two million.

Murray:I thought you said one million was your final offer?

Ben/Actor:Two million, but I want a 90/10 split.

Lunch boxes.

Great. Put the band's name on it.

Yeah?

Yes yes yes yes yes!

Murray:I haven't seen many music deals.

Bret:Any. You haven't seen any.

Murray:I haven't seen any.

Dave:Like, the other day there was five... or maybe there was like four, really hot foreign chicks, either like Swedish or Korean in my shop. And they were like, 'Dave, we want to have a five-way with you,' and I just told them, honestly, 'Okay.'

Ben/Actor:Don't be scared of the sand... the dirt on your feet, Bret. There's condoms around here. Used condoms.

Ben/Actor:I can't understand a word you're saying.

Mel:Articulate, all right?

Ben/Actor:It's Elvish. That's Elvish.

Mel:Are you chewing something?

Ben/Actor:No, it's Elv... it's... it's my native tongue.

Mel:Is it?

Ben/Actor:Yup.

Many spies have many eyes!

I know it's hard when you're little more than 3'4" / Your little ass so close to the floor

Bret:I don't rap about bitches and hos / I rap about witches and trolls

The magical bling-bling / You'll never be the Lord of the Rings

Murray:Well, neither do I, but it's a special occasion.

Murray:Can I have the music down, please, DJ? Please?

Oh, we don't...

Murray:All right.

Murray:Which is, when you see them, you go 'Eh!' / You know, there's that something special there.

Murray:The drinks are on us!

Ben:Well, welcome to your new life, eh?

Ben:More champagne?

Bret:Uh, no, I'm just having water.

Ben:Water? Unsuccessful people have water. You're on champagne now.

Murray:5768-745... 2156.

Waiter:Sir, I don't know what you're talking about.

Murray:576...

Waiter:Yeah, I heard you the first time, sir. I just don't have any idea what you're talking about.

Murray:That's weird. I bet Meatloaf never had this problem, eh?

Murray:Is this you, is it? 'Oh, let's do a jest, a great big... great big lark in the courtyard of the king, and see how he takes it!' Is it?

Ben/Actor:Stefan is his own person.

Bret:It looked like you.

Bret:You play Stefan.

Ben/Actor:Stefan works through me. He's like a spirit.

When he lives in his office, he washes his underpants in the sink and dries them in the microwave. It's very humiliating for everyone involved.

Bret:Um, this is a laundry ticket.

Ben/Actor:Yes. But I will send you the money as soon as I get to Hollywood.

Ben/Actor:Martin Scorsese is doing a movie about a dry cleaner.

Bret:What's it called?

Ben/Actor:'Dry Cleaner.'

Jemaine:Bret... he's acting.

Bret:You think that was acting?

Jemaine:He's acting.

Bret:God, he's good.

Jemaine:He is good. He's very good.

Art Garfunkel:To Ben, thanks for keeping me clean, Art Garfunkel.

Murray:I thought that was some sort of drug rehab thing.

Murray:Not even 'Crowded House' gets a 90/10 split.

Don't they?

Murray:No. 80/20, maybe, but 90/10's unheard of.

Murray:Oh look, it's my undies.

Murray:Ooh, hot.

Murray:Oh look, it's my undies. Ooh, hot.

Jim:You know, Max, you should have been a cop.

Max:I should have been a lot of things, Jim. I should have been a lot of things.