Murray Hewitt

Murray:Murray, present. See? Even if I do it.

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:You're both aware I wasn't invited? - No. - Jemaine, did you know? You did know? - Yeah. - You know, eh? - Yeah. - Yeah. Thanks.

Jemaine · Murray · Bret:What fan base? - The fan base of the band. - You mean Mel? - That's not a fan base, that's just a woman.

Murray:Yeah, but I'm calling it a fan base from now on. It's just easier when I call, because if you say, 'Oh, the fan will be there,' they can tell there's only one person.

Murray:There was a typo in the ad. It was sand they wanted. Sand, you know, that wavy font? It looks like a 'B,' but it was an 'S.'

Murray:But I sent the demo. - So the good news is that, uh... they liked it. They might play it in the lobby.

Murray:Well, there was four of them so more of a love square, but, you know, no one gets on.

Murray · Jemaine:Mind you, they did make some of their best music back then. - 'Rumors.' - No, that's all true.

Bret · Murray:I don't think that's a proper camera, Murray. - Yeah, a mobile-phone camera. - I think it's mostly a phone.

Murray · Bret · Murray:Those are your function buttons for the robot. - They look like nipples. - Don't touch them!

Bret · Jemaine · Murray:It doesn't look like Daft Punk. - We wanted ones like Daft Punk. - I don't know who he is.

Murray:Murray's obsession with toothbrush fence - '50 brushes now. Pretty impressive, huh?'

Bret · Murray:Money box cost more than they had - '$4? I thought we had $10?' 'This box cost $6.'

Murray:'The bag was useless, Bret. It had a great big hole in it. Must have lost about $20 out of that bag.'

Murray:Murray calculating his 12% management fee from $4.27 and getting confused

Murray:'It is my last $50. Till Thursday, I mean, you know. Getting paid again, but...'

Murray:Mousepad disaster - 'I've got so many mousepads at home because of your bad idea, Bret'

Murray:'I've lined Toby's kennel with them. He keeps eating them. I tried to waterproof the kitchen.'

Murray:'I've just got a couple of businessmen here' - Murray pretending the band are businessmen

Murray · Bret:'You're not working, you're just holding a sign.' 'This is my work. Get out of here.'

Bret · Murray:Chicken-egg circular logic about jobs vs gigs

Murray:'The chicken, obviously.' 'Well, where did the chicken come from?' 'Oh.'

Murray:'You're the egg. You're a bad egg... You've derailed this meeting with another obscure comment.'

Murray:Hot dog sauce expectations - 'You'd expect three sauces for that, wouldn't you?'

Murray:Murray's New Zealand tourism - 'Imagine that, a whole fence made out of toothbrushes. Over 50 toothbrushes.'

Maxwell · Murray:Australia vs New Zealand rivalry - 'Got Ayer's Rock, mate. Big huge rock.' 'We've got a big... smaller rocks.'

Murray:'There's very little difference between you and the tape, I noticed.'

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:Murray's fake firing bluff being exposed by Jemaine

Murray:'No, 'cause you ruined my bluff. The whole bluff thing.'

Murray · Jemaine:'Don't stand next to any big magnets.' 'Why would I stand next to big magnets, Murray?'

Murray · Jemaine:Tape getting tangled in zipper and Murray's '80s fix attempt

Bret · Murray:Murray, I was wondering if you could call me by my rapping name? - Your rapping name? - Rhymenoceros. - Rhinoceros? - The Rhymenoceros.

Murray · Bret:Nah, well, that's not gonna fit in here. I've got 'Bret.' Can't you just have Bret as your rapping name? - No. It's not a rapping name. - It's a good rapping name. 'Hello, everybody, I am Bret.'

Murray · Bret:Look, if you're gonna have some sort of rap name, just be careful you don't do a drive-by. - I won't. - Well, you'd better not.

Murray · Jemaine:What about you, Jemaine? Have you got a rapping name? - Yeah, 'Hiphopopotamus,' but you can just call me Jemaine if you want.

Murray · Bret:I mean, you don't hear of professional musicians with long hair. - Well, Led Zeppelin? - I mean a man.

Jemaine · Murray:Most bands play at night. - It's too dangerous out there at night. - We go around walking around at night all the time. - Well, you know, anything could happen. You could get run over, pickpocketed, fall down a manhole, bump into people, murdered... imagine that... or even just ridiculed.

Bret · Jemaine · Murray:We've never been ridiculed. - No. - You haven't? - No. - Well, that's a surprise. I get ridiculed all the time.

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Oh hey, ginger-balls. - You know? - That was Bret. - He called you that.

Bret · Murray:I thought that was your nickname? - No. I get, 'Oh, what are you on your way to... a dick meeting?'

Murray:You should wear these T-shirts with 'New York' on them. All right, just so you fit in. Here's a hat. Put this on, all right? 'Hey, I'm walkin' here!'

Murray · Jemaine:And these are the safety reflective belts. All right, they light up. - I'm not gonna wear that. - Yeah, you should. - No, I'm not wearing it.

Murray:Would you rather get murdered?

Bret · Murray · Dave:There was two of them. - Two? That's not a gang. - It was a two-man gang. - Two-man gang. - Can you have that, David? - Well that's a pretty small gang. I mean, technically, the smallest gang possible.

Murray · Bret:You just left him there to fight them himself? - Well, I left him on the... he was on the fence. - Bret! - Well, I was... I was very scared.

Murray · Bret:He may be dead. - He maybe did what? - He may be dead. - I know, but what did he maybe do? - He may be dead. - Are you guys fucking with me? - What? - Not alive. You know... dead. - Oh. Oh.

Police Officer · Bret · Murray:Kind of sounds like, 'What? What, what? Don't poot me in there weeth him. I'm innocent. I'm innocent'? - Yes, that's definitely him. - That's him. - It's a little bit more sort of South African.

Murray · Jemaine:Did the cops try to strip search you? - No. - Did they find anything? - No, they didn't strip search me. - Oh, I... I thought you said they did. - No.

Murray · Jemaine:Well, did any of your cellmates, you know, rape you in the a... - No. No no no. - Oh good, good. 'Cause if... if I was a convict, you know, and I was in a cell with a pretty boy like you, I would definitely wait till lights out, put my hand over your mouth...

Murray:Being in jail just makes you seem so sexy. I guess it's the danger aspect. What are you gonna do to me? Do it! No, don't, don't.

Murray:It's like Bonnie and Clyde, you know. They would rob banks, and then they would do each other.

Murray · Jemaine:That's not a real gangster name. - What? - And Murray. - Well, I've been on the inside, I know what sort of names gangsters have. Like John. There was another guy there... Ralph.

Bret · Murray · Jemaine:Um, Rhymenoceros. Rhymenoceros, yep. That's not a real gangster name. What? And Murray. Well, I've been on the inside, I know what sort of names gangsters have. Like John. There was another guy there... Ralph.

Jemaine · Murray:Sorry, if I can't trust him on the streets, I can't trust him on the stage. I can't do another gig with him without going against everything I stand for. - Well, what if you actually had another gig? - Well, then I would.

Murray · Jemaine:Why? - Because it's boring.

Murray:There's a real buzz about it. Everyone's talking about these tours.

Murray · Bret:Bret, you were talking about it last week. - I was saying it's boring. - Oh, were you? Well, you were still talking about it.

Murray:You knew about that. I was gonna tell you the difference between, you know, gazebos and band shells.

Murray:Friday, 4:05 P.M: Bret, Jemaine and Murray leave Dave's shop.

Murray · Jemaine:Where'd you meet her? - At... at the library. - Library? What library? - Video library.

Murray:I won't say goodbye, I don't feel like it. See you, Murray.

Bret · Murray · Jemaine:Bye, Murray. - Bye. You gonna say 'bye'? - No!

Murray · Mel:President. - Present. - Secretary. - Present. - Treasurer. - Present! - Maybe we should make that one title? - Sure. It's all... it's quite convoluted. You're all three.

Mel · Murray:I took some of Bret... well, actually I found them, I... when I was round at his flat. - Oh-ho! - That... he's asleep there

Murray · Mel:What's this one? - Mmm? - What's this one? - God, how did that get in there? Sorry. It must have slipped in with the... do you want to hold onto that? - No.

Mel · Murray:That's really great. - You don't think Bret's any less available now that he's? - Well, no! No. Is she pretty?

Murray · Mel:He's not gonna... not gonna get a girlfriend anytime soon, so... - Does, um... - Try your chances with him, can't you?

Mel · Murray:Does... does Bret's girlfriend look anything like me? - Little bit? - A little bit... around the eyes. - Oh yeah? Big eyes, huh? - Well, she's... she's got eyes.

Murray · Jemaine:You were going on their dates? - I know. Yeah. You don't go on other people's dates. - I thought you had your own date. - No, I was dating them.

Murray · Jemaine:Are your feelings hurt? - No. - They must be. Are they? - No. - A little bit? - No. - A little bit, eh? - A little bit.

Murray · Jemaine:I just hope we don't have a Yoko Ono situation. - Do you know what I mean? - Yeah. Is she trying to split up the band?

Murray:Like this pencil... look. [breaks pencil] Jeez, that is a... That's it... that's your band. Broken.

Murray · Coco · Bret · Jemaine:It's a rare thing, what you've got there. - Hi, I'm not disturbing you guys, am I? - Hey, Coco. - No, come in. - We're busy at the moment actually.

Murray · Jemaine:And also present, Coco. Yoko. What did you... what did you say? Oh nothing, just had a bit of a cough. Mmm, okay. No, it wasn't a real cough. I said 'Yoko.'

Murray · Jemaine:Do you miss Bret? A little bit. Do you? Same. I miss him. Can you ask him back in the band? Okay.

Murray:Over the last few months I've been creaming a bit off of the top of the band income and investing it.

Murray:So I'm proud to announce that as of this morning we're the official owners of three stars... intergalactic real estate.

Jemaine · Murray:Who took that photo? / That's the real estate people take that.

Murray:Planet Murray was already taken. I like it... Murrayland. / Welcome to Murrayland.

Murray:In 10 years' time we'll be able to move up there. / And besides, I was thinking two words, guys: Natural resources. / Like coal, think about it. / Imagine a planet full of coal.

Bret · Murray:What about a planet of, um, diamonds and rubies? / No. / Well, it would be nice. / A lot of things would be nice, Bret, particularly if they were real.

Murray · Bret · Others:Here, eat this. / Oh yeah. Whoa. / Who's eating? / Greg, did you hear that?

Jemaine · Murray:This is it. What do you think? / It's not a room, it's a cupboard. / It's not a cupboard. / It's a cleaning cupboard.

Jemaine · Murray:I'm going on a date. / With who? / No one. / No one. That's not a date. / That's just going out. / I do that all the time.

Murray:Oh, Jemaine! No, not her again. / Bret went out with her. She broke your heart and yours as well.

Murray · Jemaine:That's beautiful. / That's a sure thing, bro. / What's a Chinese junk? / Oh, it's a kind of ship.

Murray · Jemaine:Oh yeah, sure. Women love that kind of sensitive nautical shit. / Really? / Yeah. / Haven't you ever seen 'Watership Down'? / No. / Well, me neither, but women love that film.

Murray:I mean, that reminds me of when I saw a puppy being born. / I mean, just to see its little head / just coming out of that dog's pussy. / What an incredible moment, man... beautiful.

Murray:Planet Jemaine supernova'd. / Yeah, there's nothing left of it apparently. / Just a huge gaseous cloud and the beginnings of a black hole. / When did this happen? / Uh, about four million years ago.

Murray · Jemaine:Planet Jemaine supernova'd. Yeah, there's nothing left of it apparently. Just a huge gaseous cloud and the beginnings of a black hole. When did this happen? Uh, about four million years ago.

Bret · Murray · Jemaine:Jemaine: Yes. Murray: Yes. Bret? Bret: No. Murray: What do you mean no? Bret: I'm not here. Murray: You're not here? Bret: No. Murray: Where are you? Bret: No, I was just joking.

Murray:Murray explaining he's carried on band meetings without the band members being there

Jemaine · Murray:We're at a band meeting. We haven't been here? - Yeah, twice. I mean... - When? Well, it doesn't matter when. They didn't go very well.

Murray:But I've had to circle where you two are.

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Photo of Gemma's 21st birthday with Murray circling random cousins thinking they're the band

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Photo of Jemaine with ex-girlfriend Clea but with Bret's head superimposed

Murray:Murray: 'this one here, you're not in. And this one here you're in, but you shouldn't be'

Murray:So those are you options. This one here, you're not in. And this one here you're in, but you shouldn't be.

Murray:Murray refusing to let them look through passport camera because it's 'New Zealand government property'

Murray · Jemaine:Murray: 'Who wants to hear a sad band?' Jemaine: 'This is the cool look for a band.' Murray: 'But what about your hands in the air and smile?' Jemaine: 'That's gymnasts, Murray.'

Murray:Murray describing them as 'two different sizes there. There's the full range.'

Murray:No no, he's not a midget. He's just... he's thin.

Murray:Greeting cards with hidden music technology - Murray's confused explanations

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:It's a company that sells greeting cards. - Greeting cards? - But you know those ones that open up and they have a tune in them?

David Armstrong · Murray:David Armstrong's elaborate technical explanation constantly compared to a Walkman

Murray · Bret:Um, you were bulimic recently. - I wasn't... I wasn't bulimic. - He's not now, he's fine now. - I'm not bulimic. - Little touch of that. - I wasn't bulimic. - It's cleared up.

Bret · Murray:Lightning bolts painted on Bret's penis

Bret · Murray:Is it a really big biscuit? - It's not a biscuit! I said no biscuit. It's not gonna be another kind, is it?

Bret · Murray:Can I get a copy of that, Murray? - No no, 'cause that would cost more than 50¢, and then we'd... we'd be down, wouldn't we?

Murray:Are you picking on Bret again, Jemaine?

Murray:You're hurting all of us when you bring down New Zealand, okay?

Murray:Tension in the band. Bret upset. All sorted now.

Murray · Jemaine:Nothing from your mom, Jemaine. So? I'm just saying, all right?

Murray · Bret:That's not a DVD, by the way. Yes, it is. Dubbed video dub.

Murray:25 years and it's already obsolete, that one. They move fast now, don't they?

Murray · Jemaine:We're just having a band meeting... talking about upcoming gigs, that sort of thing. Yeah, there's none.

Jemaine · Murray:What about your wife? I'm separated. Are you? Are you? Yes!

Murray · Bret:I moved in with you guys for a month. I was upset, remember? Oh, is that why you were there?

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:You talked me down off the roof. Ah, yes yes. Remember? No.

Murray:there's a lot of 'prejudism' here

Murray · Jemaine:You know, the... the English and whatnot. Redcoats... the oppressors. We're not English...

Murray · Jemaine:you're pretty much the most disliked race in this whole country. Wh... wh... what about black people?

Murray:They don't like you either.

Jemaine · Murray:We're in the middle of a race war, Murray. What's that? Bad.

Jessica · Murray:It is on. Oh! Oh, it just comes on! That's weird.

Murray · Jemaine:I can't really put my emotions into... into words. So I've decided to use lyrics. Well, this... they're also words.

Murray · Bret:# Hi. # I like it. Yeah? 'Hi'? Yep. Is that it? Yeah.

Murray:I don't want to make it too convoluted.

Murray:I like pie. I had a budgie but it died.

Murray · Bret:it's inappropriate. I can't say that in the workplace, can I? Too much mumbling. Yeah, a lot of it was inaudible.

Murray:Ah, Jessica. That's her name.

Murray:# Hi, leggy blonde... #

Greg · Murray:she's no longer here. Oh, that's fine. We'll do it in the morning. No, I mean she's finished installing the new computer system. She's not coming back.

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:Leggy Blonde song

Murray:# I had a budgie but it died #

Murray:You'll lose your female fan base. What about Wham? You never saw Wham with girlfriends.

Murray:I've told you about how far I've been with... you know, Shelly, last Christmas Eve.

Murray:My car broke down in the ghetto. That's not the good news,

Murray:He said he could sell me a high-end stereo system for $50.

Murray:I'll say he is. He's crazy. Off the planet. Isn't he going to freeze himself?

Murray:Women don't objectify men in that way, Bret.

Murray:The sink works. It just comes out of a different place.

Bret · Murray:How many have you sold? One. But I would have liked to have gotten a few more out than that.

Bret · Murray:This one's got sawdust in it. Oh my God. Did you buy some sawdust as well?

Bret · Murray:Did you want to buy sawdust, though? / Bret, no! I bought the CDs, didn't I?

Murray · Jemaine:You're attracted to bastards. - Bastard girls. - It's true.

Murray:Apparently, they're rewritable. So he just deletes the music files and then sells them as blank CDs. Apparently, it's worth more that way so...

Jemaine · Murray:Headlining at Central Park? Yes. Us? Yes. Me and Bret? Yes! Bret as well?

Murray:I've dipped into the Flight of the Conchords emergency fund.

Murray:Players play the game, you guys play the guitar. Don't they? They kick the ball, you kick the... jams.

Murray:'Honda Accord' was too big to fit in the gap there, so I put 'bus' back in.

Murray:Sometimes late at night when I'm driving alone, I imagine this is a bus.

Murray:Is that... a bit silly, is it, Bret?

Murray:You asked me why I was crying. I said it was the happiest day of my life. You don't remember that?

Murray:those two effing idiots are good friends of mine, okay?

Murray:I'm not even managing them anymore.

Murray:That's where the gig is, Jemaine. It's at the airport.

Murray:A lot of people have gone to get their flights

Murray:Not leather suits. It's a total waste of money.

Murray:You've spent tomorrow's per diem. The per diem I gave you for was for the week.

Jemaine · Murray:'Per diem' means for the day, though. See? Well, I don't know Latin. Well, you should have said...'per weekem,' would be the correct term.

Murray:You're like a couple of cool-looking idiots.

Murray:Do not call me at work, all right? I don't want them asking silly questions as to why I'm not at work

Murray:Okay, love you too! Bye-bye!

Murray · Bret:You must have followed him, did you? What, don't you think I'm capable of a classic rock 'n' roll move?

Murray:We're on tour now. Brings out the crazier side of someone like him.

Murray:Probably looking for some thunderstorms to rock out in.

Murray:$8 can of mixed nuts. They must have been pretty good. Got so much buzz out of them that you chucked a television out the window.

Murray:I know how rock 'n' roll he thinks he is... Mr. Keith Moon.

Murray:You're watching Jemaine with his rock 'n' roll moves, buying the leather suits, getting the mixed nuts, jumping on the bed. And you thought, 'Oh, how can I equal this?'

Murray:Look, just pour some tap water and blow some bubbles in it

Murray:This is your doing, isn't it, Rod Stewart?

Murray:Oh, they're in the car.

Murray · Bret:Well that's what happened. The Amer... on American cars, the hand brake's on this side. Oh, I must have just adjusted the seat.

Murray:First Jemaine with the mixed nuts, then the TV. And finally, Bret, you drive my Honda into the pool!

Murray:Personally, I prefer the mixed nuts caper.

Murray · Bret:I'm so angry I feel like swearing. Oh Murray, you wouldn't swear at us. Go fuck yourself, Bret!

Murray:There there there there there there.

Murray:Yes it is. It's a central park. But it is a central park.

Murray:Yes it is. It's a central park. But it is a central park. I said a central park in Newark.

Murray:I think I've broken a piece of them.

Murray · Bret:Where's yours? - It's on my chair.

Murray · Jemaine:you could have a bit of hay coming out of your mouth... a little bit of hay. - All the time? - Yeah.

Bret · Murray:'Cause there was probably only one entry. - No, there was hundreds, actually. - Really? - Yep. They're all from Mel.

Murray · Jemaine:And one from Jemaine. - Right. - But he was disqualified.

Murray · Jemaine:Because you can't be a fan of the band. - Why? - It's not a good look.

Murray · Jemaine:First prize... the chance to cook for you two tomorrow night. - That's a terrible prize. I'm glad I didn't win that.

Murray · Jemaine:I've already e-mailed her pretending to be you saying you're excited. - Were you pretending to be me as well? - Yes, that's what I do. It's... it's easier.

Murray · Jemaine:Actually, next time you see Mel, you might want to apologize for your last e-mail. - Okay. Why? - It's just, I think she was quite insulted.

Bret · Murray:World Music Jam? We don't play world music. Do we? - Yes. Where's New Zealand from if it's not from the world?

Murray · Bret:Different start to the song. - What were you doing there? - No, it's the same.

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:I bought you guys a beer. - I don't even drink beer. - I don't drink it either. - Just drink it, will you?

Jemaine · Bret · Murray:Tell you what, maybe if I pretend to go to the toilet, you guys see if they're looking at me. - Okay? - Yep.

Bret · Murray:I was hoping to dress something like Prince. Kind of erogenous, huh? - Yeah, but toned down a bit, like, Prince if he was just going to the zoo or the supermarket. - Casual Prince?

Jemaine · Murray:That's... that's our bedroom. - Yep. That's a live webcam from your bedroom.

Murray:I've had a really good response from something that happened with you when you were alone with the webcam. Do you know what that would be?

Jemaine · Murray:I didn't know we had a webcam. - Okay, well, whatever you're doing, just be careful, all right?

Murray:We've tripled the fan base. So we need two new t-shirts made up.

Murray · Jemaine:You'll end up like ZZ Top. - What are you talking about? - You know, ZZ Top. - Yeah? - They sang the song about the... the... the woman with the legs.

Murray:they had a do-we-have-a-beard- or-not situation.

Murray:You'll end up going into town in a taxi, have a couple of drugs, have dinner, have a threesome, go home again. Have a shower, go out again, more drugs, more threesomes... happens all the time.

Bret · Murray:How many fans have we got now? - None. Empty club. I've put a note here... no one.

Venue worker · Murray:We ran out of soup two hours ago, Marty.

Murray:I couldn't even get that right.

Ben/Actor · Murray:Stefan... Gucci, you know, from the record company. / which record company was that? / You know, the... the big one. / Sony? / Yeah, uh-huh. Sony.

Murray · Ben/Actor:Please offer us a record contract. Please? I'm begging you. Come on, please. Please. Please give us a record deal. Oh, come on. / Okay then. / Really? / Yeah, why not?

Ben/Actor · Murray:Well, I flew in a supersonic jet. / Wow, a supersonic jet.

Bret · Murray:I think you've offered us a rejection deal. / No no, he's offered us a record acceptance deal.

Ben/Actor · Murray:We're thinking a $1-million deal and we are firm on that, okay? That's our final offer. / No. No way. / Yes. / No. / Okay, two million.

Murray · Ben/Actor:I thought you said one million was your final offer? / Two million, but I want a 90/10 split.

Ben/Actor · Murray:Lunch boxes. / Great. Put the band's name on it. / Yeah? / Yes yes yes yes yes!

Murray · Bret:I haven't seen many music deals. / Any. You haven't seen any. / I haven't seen any.

Murray:Well, neither do I, but it's a special occasion.

Murray · Unknown:Can I have the music down, please, DJ? Please? / Oh, we don't... / All right.

Murray:Which is, when you see them, you go 'Eh!' / You know, there's that something special there.

Murray · Ben · Bret:The drinks are on us! / Well, welcome to your new life, eh? / More champagne? / Uh, no, I'm just having water. / Water? Unsuccessful people have water. You're on champagne now.

Murray · Waiter:5768-745... 2156. / Sir, I don't know what you're talking about. / 576... / Yeah, I heard you the first time, sir. I just don't have any idea what you're talking about.

Murray:That's weird. I bet Meatloaf never had this problem, eh?

Murray:Is this you, is it? 'Oh, let's do a jest, a great big... great big lark in the courtyard of the king, and see how he takes it!' Is it?

Murray:'To Ben, thanks for keeping me clean, Art Garfunkel.' / I thought that was some sort of drug rehab thing.

Murray:Not even 'Crowded House' gets a 90/10 split. / Don't they? / No. 80/20, maybe, but 90/10's unheard of.

Murray:Oh look, it's my undies. / Ooh, hot.

Murray:Oh look, it's my undies. Ooh, hot.

Murray · Jemaine:Well, needless to say, people are still talking about me in Barcelona. / I bet they are.

Jemaine · Murray:Murray, who's this guy? / I'm getting to that, Jemaine, all right? That's in the agenda under Todd.

Murray:Now I wasn't sure whether that was the magazine or the band. I've heard from both, I've got a no from the band...

Murray · Bret · Todd:Do you want me to go back to item one? / Yeah, go back to item one. / Item one: Todd. Yeah, he's the new band member. / Hi. / Right. Item two...

Murray:Even better than yesterday. You could see all the details when your fingers bounce off the skins. Pigskin, is it?

Murray · Bret:Come on, Todd, we're having a private band meeting. / No, I mean without Todd.

Murray · Jemaine:Sometimes I have good ideas. / When? / Like that time I saw you for the first time onstage. I said 'Face the front,' and you did.

Murray:I'd just been given nitrous oxide. I was at the dentist. I didn't know what I was talking about. I think I'm going to his brother's wedding.

Murray:You're like a proper band. You're like The Policemen.

Greg · Murray:Murray, I'm on a... call here with the Secretary of State. Could you... how much longer are you gonna be?

Murray · Jemaine:Give Peace a Chance. / Give Pete a Chance. / Peace.

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:He's the Pied Piper of cool. / Pied Piper was a good musician, wasn't he? / He was cool. / He wasn't cool. / Yes, he was. / He took all those kids into a cave.

Murray:No, before that phase, when just the rats followed him...

Murray · Demetri:So is a guitar or a keyboard? / Exactly. It's the best of both worlds.

Murray:No, don't like it. Ugh, no. Weird. / Oh, that bit's good.

Murray:We shouldn't even be arguing in front of the map. It's not right.

Murray:We shouldn't even be arguing in front of the map.

Murray:I'm not even suppose to manage one band. I'm suppose to be working at the New Zealand Consulate, Bret.

Murray · Bret · Demetri · Todd:Does he play any other instruments? No. Come on, what? Is that what you want? I'm gonna break your keytar. I'm gonna break your keytar. You think I care?

Murray:I'm flabbergasted.

Murray · Jemaine:Number one in 24 countries. / They say hi? / No.

Bret · Murray:How giant is it? / That's what it's called... Giant. So I'm guessing pretty big.

Murray · Bret · Murray:Giant Stadium. / How giant is it? / That's what it's called... Giant. So I'm guessing pretty big.

Murray:I've got lunch with Tori Amos.

Murray:Your cds made double platinum in America... No, it's the crazy dogggz, sorry.

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:They called me to say that you stole a cushion. - Did you? - Mm-hmm. - Yes.

Murray:R Kelly wants to sing on your next song... Yes, that's the crazy dogggz.

Bret · Murray · Jemaine:'dear Murray, We want to fire you as our manager.' - What? - What?

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:Now look at you. - We're poor and we've got no gigs. - We're slightly poorer.

Murray · Bret:I can get you another shoe... it's not about the shoe... Not a problem. What size are you?

Murray:Item four: Stuff you.

Murray:They're fake. I had to make them myself... They're pencil sharpeners stuck To a couple of bits of wood

Jemaine · Murray:I thought we won 'best new zealand artists.' There's no such category, jemaine.

Murray:'Doggy bounce,' number one. 'Doggy dance,' number five. 'In the pound,' number 37.

Bret · Murray:What about your 'best management' award? That's fake as well.

Murray:Good luck without me, you turkeys.

Murray:♪ rejected ♪ ♪ thrown away ♪ ♪ affected ♪ ♪ I don't know what to say ♪

Murray:♪ like a cake shop without any cakes ♪ ♪ like a cornflake box without any flakes ♪

Murray · Glen:♪ like a little orphan girl... ♪ Murray? One moment. ♪ and rejected. ♪

Murray · Glen:Murray? One moment. ¶ and rejected. ¶ Yes, Glen?

Murray:Please, tell him I'm not there. I'm not here either. I'm not... not anywhere.

Murray:They'll never hit the big time. They're too devious. Trust me, though, they're devious. I know.

Jemaine · Bret · Murray:What would you be doing behind the scenes? - Having dinner? - Going to the movies? - Relaxing?

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Um, higgling. - Higgling? - Yeah, do you know what that means? - Is that a word that you just made up? - It's made-up, yeah

Murray:But we can't sell it tonight 'cause I'm wearing it.

Bret · Murray:How'd you get the jacket so realistic? - Yeah, that's real denim.

Bret · Murray:It's easier than easy. - Oh, okay, so you're telling me It was unbelievably easy.

Murray:Monday you're trying to do a TV commercial, They're filming it, it's all about toothpaste, Then Tuesday they're filming you naked.

Murray:This cover version came out 13 years Before the crazy dogggz's original version.

Murray · Bret:So I've got... so you're normal... - No, I'm bad. - You're bad? - I've got three...

Murray:That's worth $20,000. It was a gift from Tori Amos.

Murray · Bret:That's the glovebox there. Ah. Oh.

Murray · Jemaine:I'm persona non regates. - You know what that means? - You're not at yacht race?

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:I'm persona non regates. - You know what that means? - No. - You're not at yacht race?

Murray:Unless you move your vehicle every three hours.

Murray · Bret:Are they woven? Wow. - These are man-made.

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Bad news, guys: Your passports aren't ready. - Do you have them? - No, they're in my cupboard. - You just said you had them. - I've got them in my cupboard.

Murray:This is exactly what happens when you try to manage yourselves. If you had stuck with me, you wouldn't be in this job situation, would you?

Murray:I think we should run for it. Come on, let's go. Go! Run! Run! Quickly! No time for debate!

Murray:I managed to get you a shoe, eh?

Murray · Bret:Good managing, eh, guys? - Murray, it couldn't have possibly gone worse.

Murray:I think there's a guardian angel looking after us. - Somewhere up there, someone's looking down, Making sure everything turns out okay for us.

Murray · Jemaine:Conchords crash and burn. Doesn't sound too good. By Murray hewitt. - You wrote this?

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:Two stars. - Two stars? - Two stars. - You can't give us two stars, Murray. Two out of five stars? Well, I wish it was, but it's out of 100.

Murray:Don't tell people that. Say it's out of five.

Murray · Jemaine:It's a friend of mine from nigeria. - Nigel soladu. - When did you go to nigeria? Well, I didn't go. That's the best bit.

Murray:Why would someone want to scam me, Jemaine, and on the internet service, one of the trusted things of today's society?

Murray:Just fill out this. Put how many biscuits you want, your name, and you'll have to bring in some I.D. That gets sent back to wellington. We'll have your biscuits by Tuesday.

Murray:Flight of the no-chords. It was hard to tell if the band was a band or a mime troop. No stars.

Murray:Basically, you should have your guitars back in about 14 years.

Murray:No commission on Bret's job.

Murray:Can you imagine it? Out of the hundreds of people that use the internet, only I was willing to help him.

Murray:Why aren't I a prostitute? Good one, nigel. Why isn't nigel a prostitute? We could all be in a prostitute club.

Murray:There's the keyboard here. There's the mouse. You can just go up and down on the keys. I don't use that. There's the TV screen.

Murray · Jemaine:Jemaine, was it a good thing to prostitute yourself? - Well... - no, it wasn't.

Murray · Jemaine:We were at square two, but now we're back. - When was that? - Let's stop talking about squares.

Murray:You're like a couple of... jailhouse turkeys.

Murray:Greg's written this. He's put the rs too far apart.

Murray:Texas, Lexus... two rhyming words. Do you think you could use those?

Murray:You can make sound, just make it so that people can't hear you.

Bret · Murray:No, it was Snoop dogg. - I know he's a dog, Bret.

Murray:He's lovable. Leave him alone.

Murray:What's wrong with that guy? Useless. What does he do all day? You didn't hear that, did you, greg? Good, so he didn't hear that last bit.

Murray:That's how you diss someone. Did you see what I did there? I didn't start a fight with greg, I didn't hurt his feelings. Greg's got feelings.

Jemaine · Murray · Bret:Death? - Yeah, or worse. Isn't it the same way with rappers back in newfoundland? - I'm not sure. - New zealand.

Murray · Jemaine:I heard of one rapper... he chopped this guy's whole body off, just left the dick behind. Don't you mean they... they chopped off his dick? No, I mean they held his dick and chopped his whole body off. That's all he was in the end... a dick.

Murray · Bret:This gang is disbandoned. - No. Dis... what? - Disbandoned. - Disbanded you mean? - Abandoned? Yup, all of those things.

Murray · Jemaine:Yes. Who was in your gang, you and your mom? No, Jemaine. It was me, my brother graeme, and my dad Gordon. Mom wasn't even allowed in it. No one knew why.

Murray:Dad was the leader, graeme found nice places for us to ride to and I was the guy that looked after the bags.

Bret · Murray:No. We don't really have any slow songs. So that's a clear 'no' from you, Bret.

Murray:I'm just the brains behind this operation.

Murray:There's no such thing as a small venue, Bret, only small bands.

Murray:Whoa whoa whoa, this was the camper-van gig that was sold out if I'm correctly mistaken.

Murray:Whoa whoa whoa, this was the camper-van gig that was sold out if I'm correctly mistaken.

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:What's the friendship realm? Well, you've heard of a realm? Yes. Well, this is like a friendship one.

Murray:It's a friendship graph with x-axis for time and y-axis for friend levels from 'friends' down to 'strangers'...which is pretty much everyone I've noticed...and then 'enemies.'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Who's Jim? Jim's my best friend. We've never heard of Jim. Well, if you guys were my friends, you'd know who my other friend was... Jim.

Murray · Greg:Greg, do you think of us as friends? I hope so, Murray. We're not. We're colleagues. I'm your boss.

Murray:See, guys? I don't let just anyone be my friend. Greg's a good guy, but he's in colleague status.

Murray · Greg:Now can you fax that to me? - Okay.

Murray:Slow it down a bit. These two are dancing. Possible couple here... dancing to this.

Murray:Well, you've lost the audience. Oh, it's the bottom floor.

Bret · Murray:Present. No, you don't need to say 'present.' We're just friends.

Murray:Friend activity list: 'Make a coffee.' 'Complain about our days.' 'Watch a DVD.' 'Build a fort.' 'Express our emotions' and 'have a beer.'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Build a fort? That's the sort of stuff I do with Jim. Who's Jim? Jim, my friend Jim. We're not Jim.

Bret · Murray:I like having a bath, but... well, we're not gonna have a bath, Bret.

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:This is what we used to do in the New Zealand army. Do you see children in the army, Jemaine? No, you don't. Well, actually you do, Bret, in some armies, but not the good ones, not the New Zealand army.

Murray · Bret:Remember I showed you my New Zealand army uniform... the green t-shirt and the green shorts? Oh, I thought that was your underwear.

Murray · Jemaine:My whole platoon had to drink their own urine. Oh, were you lost? No, we were drunk. It was a party game.

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:Bret, I feel like you're my brother. And, Jemaine, you're our dad. Go to sleep, Murray. Good night, dad. Good night, graeme.

Murray:Perfect. We hang out like friends, like the friends from that program 'Friends.' I could be Chandler, the funny one. Jemaine, you could be Ross, the mopey one. And Bret... Joey, the naive one.

Murray:Perfect. We hang out like friends, like the friends from that program 'friends.' I could be chandler, the funny one.

Murray:Let's have a look at the friend agenda... the afrienda.

Bret · Murray · Jemaine:Can I be Chandler? No, I'm Chandler. But I'm more like Chandler... I say witty things. I have witticisms. No, you don't. You're mopey.

Bret · Murray:Can I be Chandler? - No, I'm Chandler. But I'm more like Chandler... I say witty things. I have witticisms.

Jemaine · Murray:It's a pretty quiet party, Murray. - It's only just started, Jemaine.

Murray · Jemaine:He's like a one-man party. Well, does he need us then?

Murray · Bret:It's a naked woman's body... see the breasts? Oh, I thought it was a monster with big ears. No no, they're breasts.

Murray:You guys tell him that I found you in the Bush and I brought you back into the city... You were left by your girlfriends. You must've done something wrong.

Murray:Here he is! And the fun begins. Incoming. Zing zing zing - zing!

Jemaine · Bret · Jim · Murray:Because he's a dick. Because... we're busy. Did Jemaine just call me a dick? Um, yes. Bret, don't tell him that!

Bret · Murray:Table's not really wide enough. What's going on?! Table tennis. This is no good. I need my desk to work on.

Bret · Murray:Well, then we can play doubles. You're gonna have to go away. I thought we'd gone to the next level... friends level.

Murray:Mel! Mel, stop it! Mel!

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:I got him drunk and he told me that you called him a dick. I do call you a dick sometimes. Same. I've called you a dick before.

Murray · Jemaine:I got him drunk and he told me that you called him a dick. Yeah. Well, Bret confirmed it though.

Murray:How does that feel, a taste of your own dick medicine?

Bret · Murray:Oh, the clamp ones. - Yeah. So that's down again.

Murray:Band meeting tomorrow, so see you tomorrow... but we'll be strangers, so that'll be uncomfortable. Just come and give your names at the desk.

Murray · Jemaine:Just come and give your names at the desk. - We'll come in and introduce ourselves.

Murray · Jim:Favorite sauce? Uh, any brown sauce. You? Eh, still mayonnaise. Paper or plastic? I'm a paper man. What do you call the color of your hair? Electric copper. White gold, rust belt.

Murray · Jim:Musical number: 'Friends' - Murray and Jim's duet about friendship with increasingly specific and bizarre friendship scenarios

Murray · Jim:If you get drunk and vomit on me... I'll make sure you get home safely. If you crossed the road and a truck struck you, I'll scrape you up and reconstruct you.

Murray:My uncle John had a special friend, they dressed alike, his name was Ben. I've never seen two friends like them, they were very very friendly men.

Murray:Last time I gave them $20 they went away and spent it. Bought a magazine and a giant beach ball.

Bret · Jemaine · Murray:Not cool enough. - You two? - Yes, we're not that cool. - Yeah, everyone looks pretty cool. - They're cooler than us.

Murray · Bouncer:I've got a couple of very cool looking guys in the back of my car. I don't know whether you're keen to have them in your club. He's not coming in.

Murray · Jemaine:Purpose for the biscuits... you put 'NA.' What is 'NA'? Not applicable. There's no purpose for your biscuits? No, I just wanted them.

Murray:Well, they're hardly gonna send you biscuits if there's no purpose. Think about it.

Bret · Murray:Jemaine slept with an Australian. What?! Jemaine slept with an Australian. No, I heard you. I said 'what' as in I heard you but I can't believe what I'm hearing.

Murray · Jemaine:How do you accidently sleep with one? What, did she get you naked and you tripped over and fell on her?

Murray · Bret:Jemaine's a good-looking guy, isn't he? There he goes. Yeah, he's listening.

Murray · Bret:You know, guys, in the old days the sailors used to fall for them. Yeah, they hadn't seen a woman for weeks and the australians would lure them to the bottom of the sea and they'd drown. Oh, that's mermaids. That's mermaids you're thinking of.

Murray:Yeah, but the Australian ones were the worst. That's what I'm trying to say.

Murray:Yeah, I suppose if you squint your ears.

Murray · Jemaine:And your children, what about them? What would become of them? They'll be aberrations, won't they? It's pronounced aborigines.

Murray:forced to move from city to city looking for the perfect wave.

Keitha · Murray · Bret:See you later, big j. Let's go, little b. Okay, little m. Medium m.

David · Bret · Murray:Wait a second. Which one are you? This is Bret. Bret. Okay. Yeah, not looking for me.

Murray:Murray praising Jemaine's 'great stage presence' then telling Bret he has 'no stage presence, unfortunately'

Murray · Bret:'Where were you?' 'I was at jazzercise.' 'Jazzercise?'

Bret · Murray:'Yeah, I paid for five and I got six classes. And you've got to go to them?'

Murray:Murray referencing Jemaine's old song ideas: 'forest' and Bret's 'I wish I was a tree' as 'quite similar'

Bret · Murray · Jemaine:'It's a song about... pepileptic dogs.' 'Epileptic dogs.' 'Mine's about dogs with epilepsy.'

Murray:Murray's AIDS argument: 'if you were to record a song that was anti-aids, you'd end up alienating all those people that are pro-aids'

Murray · Greg:Murray sending Greg to survey the office about AIDS opinions

Murray · Bret:Piano confusion during recording - 'What, with your feet? I can't see one.'

Murray · Jemaine:Brett, present. Jemaine, present. Murray... Why didn't you let us say present?

Murray · Jemaine:I'm trying to save time here, Jemaine. That wouldn't have saved much time.

Murray · Jemaine:Do you want to know why? No. All right, I'll tell you.

Murray · Greg:Oh, you're there, greg, lurking. How long have you been lurking there?

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:Murray giving Jemaine clothes and Bret a wig, trying to disguise it as gifts

Jemaine · Murray:A wig? What does Bret need a... Yeah. It's for the gig, okay?

Murray:Murray: 'I listened to some of their songs, and they're actually better than your songs'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:The karaoke bar 'gig' explanation and Murray's defense

Jemaine · Murray:You've been managing us for two years. Yeah, I know, but that's the first time I've been to that karaoke bar.

Murray:Murray's explanation about lookalikes who don't look like anyone

Murray · Bret:$50? $50 each.

Murray:The prime minister. Yes, he's terribly jet-lagged. He thinks it's tomorrow. Don't wake him.

Murray:Don't pull that out, 'cause that's obviously not a gun. When you pull it out, just go 'it's still in there.'

Murray:Murray's desperate call to White House insisting New Zealand is a country

Prime Minister · Murray:Prime Minister feeling 'one up from angry' - 'livid'

Murray:Murray introducing fake Obama as the 44th president

Murray:No, it's not, Bret. Actually, Mel was busy. She actually requested that she can't come today. But if she was here, yes, we'd have two. But unfortunately we're down to one today.

Murray:It's a big guy though, Jemaine. He's taking up three seats. He's got shopping bags with him.

Jemaine · Murray:What, so the majority of the audience is shopping bags? Yeah, most of the audience are shopping bags.

Bret · Jemaine · Murray:Hey, when did he go? When did that guy leave? Yeah, he... he snuck out. Possibly as early as the first song.

Murray · Jemaine:Technically I actually snuck out as well. You snuck out? What do you mean you snuck out?

Jemaine · Murray:Well, you went shopping. Oh, yeah.

Murray · Jemaine:That's when I didn't have to pay the meter. Remember the meter was broken when I parked outside your apartment? That's the high point of our career?

Murray:I still think about it now. It was such a great night.

Jemaine · Murray:It's not the '90s. Okay, my point is the difference between cool bands and you is hair.

Jemaine · Murray:I've got hair. True. But most of your hair is body hair, isn't it, Jemaine?

Jemaine · Murray:A moss-green shirt and a tie? Obviously this is for work. Up here is for play, isn't it? No, this is it.

Murray · Bret:Morning, prime minister. Thank you, m'lord.

Bret · Prime Minister · Murray:Would you like us to play? Well, no, we're looking for a cool band. They are available. We're considered quite cool, aren't we? In their minds, yes.

Murray:That's Bret and Jemaine. You know, my band. They're bloody great.

Bret · Murray:They're not from the '70s. They're from New Zealand. Isn't that the same thing? Similar, I suppose.

Bret · Murray:Whatever, Murray. Hey, great gig last night. You got a glowing review.

Murray:New Zealand Consulate Newsletter... 'They came, they saw, they conchord. A couple of cool guys took to the stage and wowed the audience with music and up-to-the-minute styles. Move over, refrigerators, here's what's cool.'

Murray:Paula grew up next to me. 39 Harcourt Street, Nelson. Mind you, that was all a very very long time ago. Many many years ago now. A lot's happened since then. Things change. People get married to other people.

Prime Minister · Paula · Murray:Paula, could you please ask Murray what time it is? Um, hey, Murray, have you got the time? 2:00. It's 2:00, prime minister. Yes, I heard and I think he heard me.

Murray · Jemaine:Actually, you're part Maori, aren't you? No, I'm not doing it. But you are part Maori? Yes, but I'm not doing it. Please? No. Please be the Maori. No.

Murray · Jemaine:Well, if you don't do it we're gonna have to get Mexicans. You can't get Mexicans to do it. That's culturally insensitive. We've already signed one up so it can't be too sensitive.

Murray:Oh my God! Oh, it's terrible. What have you done?

Murray · Greg:Hi, Greg, I need some anti-glue. What's anti-glue, Murray? Well, it's anti-glue, isn't it? It gets rid of glue. I don't think that exists, Murray.

Murray:He's been shorn off. The guy who was supposed to mime shear him sheared him for real. He's basically bald. Yes. So there's your star, timid and nervous.

Murray:And to make matters worse, the guy next to him barbecuing... I think he's barbecuing lamb. Gary can tell. He's livid.

Murray · Jemaine:It wasn't the gel that made you cool. It wasn't? It was the confidence the gel gave you.

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Yeah, it was the hair gel, guys. Sorry. We're not cool? No.

Murray:Forget it, Bryan. It's New Zealandtown.

Jemaine · Murray:What are you doing in here? Fixing the shower. It wasn't broken. Well, I'm sorry... I broke it.

Murray:Murray breaking then 'fixing' the shower

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray's elaborate band meeting protocol for three people

Murray:uh, to be honest with you, at the end of the day, um... actually, I think greg could be responsible.

Murray:Well, it's like... it's kind of like a habit. You know, we sort of fall into these patterns. Day after day, we end up doing the same sort of thing.

Murray:Murray's relationship metaphor about old sneakers

Jemaine · Murray:Tell her you're freaky. Why would you tell her that he's freaky? How's he gonna get into her pants if he doesn't...

Murray · Police Officer:Murray's fake diplomatic immunity cards from Kinko's

Jemaine · Murray · Bret:By whose authority? / The landlord. / Why? Just because we were paying with new zealand dollars instead of American dollars. / Okay, so he's a racist and now you're homeless

Murray:To stage your lives as an off-broadway musical

Bret · Jemaine · Murray:Present.

Bret · Murray:Really? / Oh yeah, you say 'really?' here. I knew you'd say that

Murray:I've only got one bed and I grope people in my sleep. It's a condition

Murray:It's one of the reasons I had to leave the new zealand army

Murray:That's actually better for the story, if you're homeless

Bret · Murray:This seems very similar to 'Star Wars.' / I've mixed you up with... Luke Skywalker

Murray:All the professional actors write their lines down on each other's clothing

Murray:The longer the play, the bigger the shirt. You'll always notice that... big costumes. Why do they always go like this? There's lines covered in all the clothing

Murray:I've noticed your acting tends to be a bit boring. It's okay for the first minute, then I kind of drift off

Murray · Bret:Yesterday's rehearsal you got yourself worked up, you stopped breathing and you fainted. No, I didn't. You were on the ground there for a while, about five minutes.

Murray · Bret:Well, it depends how you define 'hit.' / Did people like it? / No, I don't think it was that sort of hit

Murray:Unfortunately the play drew a lot of attention to your illegal immigrant status

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Good shepherding today, guys! / Thanks, Murray!