Jemaine Clement

Jemaine:Sarah Fitzpatrick, uh, Michelle Fitzpatrick, Claire Fitzpatrick... the list goes on.

Jemaine · Bret:I don't seem to get with any women, I just talk about getting with women. - Yeah, but the ones you talk about are hot.

Jemaine:After six or seven weeks girls find me boring. But I'm not sure what happens, because I mean that's about how long it takes to get to know someone.

Jemaine:Looking 'round the room, I can tell that you are the most beautiful girl in the... room

Jemaine:In the whole wide room

Jemaine:And when you're on the street, depending on the street, I bet you are definitely in the top three good-looking girls on the street

Jemaine:Depending on the street

Jemaine:What is she doing at my mate's place? How did Dave get a hottie like that to a party like his?

Jemaine:Good one, Dave. Ooh, you're a legend, Dave

Jemaine:He says he doesn't mind, but I can tell he kind of minds, but I'm gonna do it anyway

Jemaine:You could be a waitress

Jemaine:You could be an air hostess in the '60s

Jemaine:You could be a part-time model

Jemaine:It's 12:02, just me and you, and seven other dudes around you on the dance floor

Jemaine:Let's get in a cab, I'll buy you a kebab

Jemaine:I can't believe that I'm sharing a kebab with the most beautiful girl I have ever seen with a kebab

Jemaine:You're so beautiful, like a tree, or a high-class prostitute

Jemaine:You could be a part-time model, but you probably still have to keep your normal job

Jemaine:A part-time model, spending part of your time modeling, and part of your time next to me

Jemaine:My place is usually a little tidier than this

Jemaine · Sally:Turn the light off, Bret. - No no no. It's okay. Leave it on.

Jemaine:I walked on the outside of her. I bought her a kebab. I paid for half the taxi.

Jemaine:Should I have paid for the whole taxi?

Jemaine:Yeah. It's 'cause you and her used to go out, but also because of the thing with the light.

Bret · Jemaine:But I think it's mainly because her and I used to go out... for, like, six months. - Yeah, well... yeah, it's mainly because you used to go out, but also mainly because of the whole situation with the light.

Jemaine:Yeah, and you also don't want to be startled by a light, do you?

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:You're both aware I wasn't invited? - No. - Jemaine, did you know? You did know? - Yeah. - You know, eh? - Yeah. - Yeah. Thanks.

Jemaine · Murray · Bret:What fan base? - The fan base of the band. - You mean Mel? - That's not a fan base, that's just a woman.

Mel · Bret · Jemaine · Bret:Oh, hey guys. - Hey, Mel. - Hey, Mel. - Hey, whoa. Crazy meeting you here, huh? - What, outside our house?

Mel · Jemaine:You... you just came from home. - Yeah, we're just popping out for a second and then, um, that's all we were going to do... just get some air.

Dave · Jemaine · Bret:What an idiot, trying to sell me a cake. - It was a beautiful cake. - Yeah, it was.

Dave · Jemaine:Hey, Jemaine, I don't know how they do things back in England... - New Zealand. - Yeah, whatever. I don't really give a shit.

Murray · Jemaine:Mind you, they did make some of their best music back then. - 'Rumors.' - No, that's all true.

Bret · Jemaine · Murray:It doesn't look like Daft Punk. - We wanted ones like Daft Punk. - I don't know who he is.

Jemaine:The distant future, the year 2000

Jemaine · Bret:We no longer say 'yes', instead we say 'affirmative' - Yes, affirmative

Jemaine:Unless it's a more colloquial situation with a few robo-friends

Jemaine:We used poisonous gases and we poisoned their asses

Jemaine · Bret:The humans are dead - He's right they are dead - The humans are dead - They look like they're dead - It had to be done - I'll just confirm they're dead - So that we could have fun - Affirmative, I poked one, it was dead

Bret · Jemaine:So you get more than one 'one'? - Some people are lucky. I've had a few ones.

Bret · Jemaine:So how many ones can you have? - Five. - How many have you had? - Three.

Jemaine · Bret:How's that going? - It's going pretty good. I still need to get more body in the hair. - It pretty much looks like a helmet.

Jemaine · Sally:You do look beautiful, I was just about to say that. - Bret, this is my date.

Jemaine:You can't break my heart, it's liquid. It melted when I met you.

Jemaine:I'm not crying, it's just been raining on my face

Jemaine:And if I am crying, it's not because of you, it's because I'm thinking about friend of mine that you don't know who is dying

Jemaine:I've just been cutting onions, I'm making a lasagna for one

Jemaine:For your information, there's an inflammation in my tear gland

Jemaine:My eyes are just a little sweaty today, they've been looking around a lot, searching for you

Bret · Jemaine:What did you cook? - Are you trying to get back together with Sally? - No. Just making chitchat. - Oh, okay. Macaroni.

Jemaine:Binary solo: 0000001, 00000011, 000000111, 0000001111

Jemaine:Come on, sucker, lick my battery

Bret · Jemaine:Found groceries on the street - 'Someone didn't want it'

Bret · Jemaine:'Your toothbrush jar and a camera phone' - listing pathetic possessions they've pawned

Bret · Jemaine:'You want to sit down but you've sold your chair / So you... you just stand there'

Bret · Jemaine:'Hey, man, I just want some muesli' - desperate plea to convenience store manager

Bret · Jemaine:'Considering secondhand underpants' / 'What happened to those other underpants you had?'

Bret · Jemaine:'So you think maybe you'll be a prostitute / Just to pay for your lessons, you're learning the flute'

Bret · Jemaine:'Ladies wouldn't pay you very much for this / Looks like you'll never be a concert flautist'

Bret · Jemaine:'Ladies wouldn't pay you very much for this / Looks like you'll never be a concert flautist'

Bret · Jemaine:Bret's confusion about 'booties' vs 'boobies' - thinking of baby boots

Jemaine:'Yeah, shut up, Bret' - Jemaine's response to people skills advice

Jemaine:Jemaine's elaborate free time schedule - sitting and light reading

Jemaine:Song lyrics substituting 'boobies' for 'booties' and babies shaking booties

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:Murray's fake firing bluff being exposed by Jemaine

Jemaine · Mel:Jemaine lying about getting a real gig to impress Mel

Murray · Jemaine:'Don't stand next to any big magnets.' 'Why would I stand next to big magnets, Murray?'

Murray · Jemaine:Tape getting tangled in zipper and Murray's '80s fix attempt

Jemaine:'Does this mean I'm not in a band anymore?'

Jemaine · Bret:'You've given up the dream, Bret!' 'I've woken up.'

Jemaine · Bret:Tell her it is a bit dangerous. - Not all Americans have guns. - Tell her Dave's got a paintball gun.

Jemaine · Bret:Tell her about all the TV stations here, Bret. - Jemaine wants me to tell you there's a lot of TV stations. - How many? - I don't know. There's a lot. Yeah yeah, no. More than four.

Murray · Jemaine:What about you, Jemaine? Have you got a rapping name? - Yeah, 'Hiphopopotamus,' but you can just call me Jemaine if you want.

Jemaine · Murray:Most bands play at night. - It's too dangerous out there at night. - We go around walking around at night all the time. - Well, you know, anything could happen. You could get run over, pickpocketed, fall down a manhole, bump into people, murdered... imagine that... or even just ridiculed.

Bret · Jemaine · Murray:We've never been ridiculed. - No. - You haven't? - No. - Well, that's a surprise. I get ridiculed all the time.

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Oh hey, ginger-balls. - You know? - That was Bret. - He called you that.

Murray · Jemaine:And these are the safety reflective belts. All right, they light up. - I'm not gonna wear that. - Yeah, you should. - No, I'm not wearing it.

Jemaine · Bret:You'd better be careful, because Bret knows karate. - Yeah, I got a book on karate. I haven't actually read it yet, but I've got...

Jemaine:Flows, they glow like phosphorus / Poppin' off the top of the esophagus

Jemaine:I'm not a large water-dwelling mammal / Where did you get that preposterous hypothesis? / Did Steve tell you that, perchance?

Jemaine:My rhymes and records, they don't get played / Because my records and rhymes, they don't get made / And if you rap like me, you don't get paid / And if you roll like me, you don't get laid

Jemaine:My rhymes are so potent that in this small segment / I made all the ladies in the area pregnant

Jemaine:Yes, sometimes my lyrics are sexist / But you lovely bitches now should know I'm trying to correct this

Jemaine · Bret:Other rappers diss me / They say my rhymes are sissy / Why? / Why? / Why exactly? / What... why? / Be more constructive with your feedback / Please, why?

Jemaine:Why? 'Cause I rap about reality / Like me and my grandma drinking a cup of tea / There ain't no party like my nana's tea party

Bret · Mickey · Jemaine:That's not a knife. - Yeah, that's a knife. - Oh, it is a knife.

Jemaine · Bret:Bret, my sleeve just... help me, my sleeve's just caught on the fence. - I'm too scared, man. - Bret, the corduroy's caught on the fence, Bret.

Jemaine:I can't believe that he just ran off like that when the cops came and left me there.

Jemaine · John:You... kill people? - Maybe. - Why, you ever kill somebody? - Not really. - No? - Yeah, me neither.

John · Jemaine:Killed a monkey once. - Mmm. Uh-huh. - Don't tell anybody about that, okay? 'Cause I'm not proud of it.

Bret · Jemaine:'Cause I rented your half of the apartment out to Rueben? - Does he have to stay here still? - Well, he's paid two weeks' rent, 'cause I didn't think you were coming back.

Bret · Jemaine:I wouldn't have done it if I'd known you were gonna hassle me about it. - You shouldn't have done it anyway. - Hassling me. - I'm not hassling you. - You are hassling me.

Murray · Jemaine:Did the cops try to strip search you? - No. - Did they find anything? - No, they didn't strip search me. - Oh, I... I thought you said they did. - No.

Murray · Jemaine:Well, did any of your cellmates, you know, rape you in the a... - No. No no no. - Oh good, good. 'Cause if... if I was a convict, you know, and I was in a cell with a pretty boy like you, I would definitely wait till lights out, put my hand over your mouth...

Murray · Jemaine:That's not a real gangster name. - What? - And Murray. - Well, I've been on the inside, I know what sort of names gangsters have. Like John. There was another guy there... Ralph.

Bret · Murray · Jemaine:Um, Rhymenoceros. Rhymenoceros, yep. That's not a real gangster name. What? And Murray. Well, I've been on the inside, I know what sort of names gangsters have. Like John. There was another guy there... Ralph.

Jemaine · Murray:Sorry, if I can't trust him on the streets, I can't trust him on the stage. I can't do another gig with him without going against everything I stand for. - Well, what if you actually had another gig? - Well, then I would.

Jemaine · John:But to be fair to Bret, John, you were one of those hoodlums mugging us, you know? - Yeah. - Yeah, that's true. I guess I am somewhat to blame as well, huh?

Bret · Jemaine:Brought you a cup of tea, man. - No, thank you, Bret. - Please grab it, it's hot. - It's hot. - Deal with it yourself. That's what I've learned to do the hard way. Oh, ow ow ow... oh, fuck! Ow.

Bret · Jemaine:Hey, Jemaine, I'll see you later, maybe. - Bye, Bret. - If I live, that is, 'cause I might get killed. - Okay, let me know how that goes.

Jemaine:Yeah, I didn't really love that camera phone as much as you thought I loved it. In fact, I kind of think you ruined my phone when you made me that camera phone. And my camera.

Jemaine:I didn't really love that camera phone as much as you thought I loved it. In fact, I kind of think you ruined my phone when you made me that camera phone. And my camera.

John · Bret · Jemaine:Here are the photos... I got 'em developed. From the camera phone. - You guys had some really good times, huh? - I hope you don't mind, there's some of me in there. I had to finish out the roll.

Jemaine:Hey, Murray. Nice shorts.

Jemaine:It should be called the 'boring buildings tour.'

Murray · Jemaine:Why? - Because it's boring.

Murray · Jemaine:Where'd you meet her? - At... at the library. - Library? What library? - Video library.

Bret · Murray · Jemaine:Bye, Murray. - Bye. You gonna say 'bye'? - No!

Jemaine:I don't know... why don't I stay and you go?

Jemaine:It's good, it's good.

Jemaine · Bret:It's a bit long. - Okay. - It's two hours long.

Jemaine · Bret:Would you actually do that? - Probably not.

Jemaine · Bret:Well, you're sort of promising that you would. - That's a metaphor. - Oh, is it? Oh okay. - Yeah. - What's it a metaphor for? - For... that I'd do anything for her. - Would you climb the highest mountain for her?

Jemaine · Bret:I would hang out with you. - Oh, that's good. That's really... - That's not bad. That's a lyric of mine. You can use that.

Bret · Jemaine:If You're Into It [entire song]

Jemaine:Kiss her, Bret. Kiss her.

Jemaine:Or she doesn't always have to come as well. That's another option. Me and you could go on one of these date... oh, that'd be weird.

Bret · Jemaine:Coco said that the other night when I went to the bathroom that she felt like you... like made a move on her. - Yep. Yep, guilty, I did.

Jemaine:But you weren't doing anything, so I thought...

Murray · Jemaine:You were going on their dates? - I know. Yeah. You don't go on other people's dates. - I thought you had your own date. - No, I was dating them.

Murray · Jemaine:Are your feelings hurt? - No. - They must be. Are they? - No. - A little bit? - No. - A little bit, eh? - A little bit.

Murray · Jemaine:I just hope we don't have a Yoko Ono situation. - Do you know what I mean? - Yeah. Is she trying to split up the band?

Jemaine:Black-haired lady queen / Dabbling in art / I won't let the she-wolf / Tear us apart

Murray · Coco · Bret · Jemaine:It's a rare thing, what you've got there. - Hi, I'm not disturbing you guys, am I? - Hey, Coco. - No, come in. - We're busy at the moment actually.

Coco · Bret · Jemaine:I had some spare time last night, and... [shows poster] - Whoa, that's awesome. - Well, it's really arty.

Murray · Jemaine:And also present, Coco. Yoko. What did you... what did you say? Oh nothing, just had a bit of a cough. Mmm, okay. No, it wasn't a real cough. I said 'Yoko.'

Jemaine · Bret:Oh-no, she isn't. Jemaine, you're putting 'oh no' together to sound like 'Ono.' - Oh-no, I didn't. - You did it again.

Jemaine:Well, Yoko's trying to split up the band.

Bret · Jemaine:Don't be such a... a dickhead. - Yeah well, I'm quitting this band. - Yeah. - Well, you quit last week. - Yeah well, I'm quitting again.

Murray · Jemaine:Do you miss Bret? A little bit. Do you? Same. I miss him. Can you ask him back in the band? Okay.

Jemaine · Bret:Lives are like retractable pencils / If you push 'em too hard, they're gonna break / And people are like paper dolls

Jemaine · Bret:You search on the roll / You search on the roll / You're searchin' round the roll / You search with your fingernail / Again and again and again and again / And again

Jemaine · Bret:Are you sure? - Yeah. - Oh, I thought you... I was sure you were gonna say the band.

Jemaine:I guess you can still be in the band.

Jemaine:Actually, I'm gonna wait till the bus stops, and then I'll get off.

Bret · Jemaine:I've been thinking about love, and I guess it's the very strongest adhesive. Oh, sorry, Bret, were you talking to me? I was humming.

Jemaine · Bret:Tickle tickle tickle! Hey Bret, how come you don't tickle me anymore?

Jemaine · Bret:I'm not even ticklish. / Aren't you? / No, I'm faking it. / Really? / Yeah she's faking it as well, I think.

Sally · Jemaine:You were robots. / We were just dressed up as robots. / Yeah, but you were robots.

Jemaine · Sally:So, you got a boyfriend at the moment? / Me? No. You? / Me? I don't have a boyfriend.

Jemaine · Sally:You can't tame the J-Dog. / What's the J-Dog? / Well, that's me, I'm the J-Dog.

Jemaine:Well, it's street language. You know, you just take the first letter of your name and you put 'Dog' on the end of it and all the other dogs sort of respect you.

Jemaine:No, the thing about the J-Dog is you can't put a leash on the J-Dog.

Jemaine:Because it's Wednesday / And Wednesday night is the night that we usually make love

Jemaine:Tuesday night is the night that we usually go to your mother's place / And I teach her how to use the video machine again

Jemaine:You're not too tired from your afterwork social netball team practice

Jemaine:You turn to me and say something sexy like / 'I might go to bed, I have to work in the morning'

Jemaine:I know what you're trying to say, baby / You're trying to say 'Ah, yeah / It's business time'

Jemaine:The next thing you know we're in the bathroom brushing our teeth / That's all part of it, that's foreplay

Jemaine:Then you go sort out the recycling / Which isn't part of the foreplay / But it's still very important

Jemaine:You're wearing that same old ugly baggy T-shirt / With the stain on it that you got / From that team-building exercise / You did for your old work several years ago / Team Building Exercise '99

Jemaine:I take off my clothes, but I trip over my jeans / Because I'm still wearing my shoes / But it's okay because I turn it all into a sexy dance

Jemaine:The next thing you know, I'm wearing absolutely nothing / Except for my socks / And you know when I'm down to just my socks / What time it is / It's business time

Jemaine:That's why they're called business socks, ooh

Jemaine:Making love for two / I'm making love for two minutes / When it's with me, you only need two minutes, girl / Because I'm so intense

Jemaine:Two minutes in heaven is better than one minute in heaven

Jemaine:You turn to me and say something sexy like / 'Is that it?!' / I know what you're trying to say, girl / You're trying to say 'Ah, yeah, that's it'

Jemaine:Then you tell me you want some more / Well, uh, I'm not surprised / But I am quite sleepy

Jemaine:Business hours are over / Baby

Jemaine:Well, here's the doghouse.

Jemaine:Bret, I'm moving out. / I've decided I need my own space. / It's time to take life a little more seriously, you know? / It's time for me to look each day in the eye and say / 'Hey, Jemaine you're... you're doing this for you.'

Bret · Jemaine:What's that, man? / Oh didn't you hear that? / What did you say? I wasn't listening.

Jemaine:Was a perfectly round hickey. She had a perfectly round mouth anyways... It's not exactly the same size as a vacuum cleaner tube...

Bret · Jemaine:Is it because I ask too many questions? / No. / Was it something subtle? / Yes it's subtle, Bret. / Is it because I eat too loudly? / Yes.

Jemaine · Bret:I don't know how you do it. / Well, I eat with my mouth shut. / I don't know how you do it.

Jemaine · Murray:Who took that photo? / That's the real estate people take that.

Doorman · Jemaine:Welcome back, Mr. Clemaine. / Thank you, Sebastian. / John.

Jemaine · Murray:This is it. What do you think? / It's not a room, it's a cupboard. / It's not a cupboard. / It's a cleaning cupboard.

Bret · Jemaine:More like a compartment. / A compartment. Not an apartment... / Is that a joke? / Yeah. / That's pretty good. / You did get it, eh? / Yeah that's a good one. / Because it's small.

Jemaine · Murray:I'm going on a date. / With who? / No one. / No one. That's not a date. / That's just going out. / I do that all the time.

Jemaine:She's the hottest girl I've ever touched. / Ever seen. / Well, she was the hottest girl I'd ever seen, but then I touched her.

Jemaine · Sally · Bret:No, I don't think so. / Well, he's waving at us. / It looks like him, but I don't think it's him. / Jemaine, Sally! / No, that's not him. / It's me, Bret.

Jemaine:There's only going to be five people if you don't come.

Jemaine:I'll find my way to you, Sally

Murray · Jemaine:That's beautiful. / That's a sure thing, bro. / What's a Chinese junk? / Oh, it's a kind of ship.

Murray · Jemaine:Oh yeah, sure. Women love that kind of sensitive nautical shit. / Really? / Yeah. / Haven't you ever seen 'Watership Down'? / No. / Well, me neither, but women love that film.

Bret · Jemaine:Do you think that looks like Sally's eyes? / I don't know, Bret. I don't think about her as much as you do.

Jemaine · Guest:Hey, get off my pillow. You're on my pillow. / Oh, sorry.

Murray · Jemaine:Planet Jemaine supernova'd. Yeah, there's nothing left of it apparently. Just a huge gaseous cloud and the beginnings of a black hole. When did this happen? Uh, about four million years ago.

Jemaine:Well, that was a waste of 50 bucks. / Thanks, Murray.

Jemaine · Guests:The party's over, everyone. / What? / The party's over. / What are you doing, Jemaine? / Greg's about to do his party trick. / This is the one that got him in 'The East Village News.' / No, the party's over.

Sally · Jemaine:Sorry your party was canceled. / Yeah, me too. Nice haircut, Bret.

Jemaine · Sally:It's a butterfly. / I sat on it in the subway. / Oh, you shouldn't have. / But I also got you some glue. / And that's... that's multipurpose. / You can use... use that around the house.

Jemaine · Bret:But I don't just love and need you / I love and need and want you too / I don't just love and need you / I love and need and want you too too / Yeah, well, I love, need and want you too too too / There's too many of those / It's just ridiculous

Jemaine:Yeah yeah, she gets it... Stop cockblocking me

Jemaine:But maybe Mark will be involved / In an accident and you'll get / A life insurance payment of half a mil / It's not about the money / But it could set us up financially

Jemaine:Um, even sometimes a little bit more / Than my current girlfriend

Jemaine · Bret:Because you and me we were meant to be / Bret's got a girlfriend / Yeah, but Sally and me, we were meant to be / Bret, you got a girlfriend

Bret · Jemaine:Oh, Coco told me to tell you you're dumped. / Oh... oh, sorry, man. / What?

Bret · Jemaine:She said to say that you've been ignoring her / and that you're clearly still in love with Sally, / which I agree with, actually... / That's not true. / She said you'd say that and she said to say / it is true and you know it.

Bret · Jemaine:No buts, she said to say. / Well, did she say we could talk about it? / She said we are talking about it. / Well, we're not though are we? / Well, no. / I don't know what she meant by that.

Bret · Jemaine:It's too late. It's over, you bastard. / What, did she call me a bastard? / Uh, no sorry, I added that bit. / Oh, okay. / I got carried away.

Bret · Murray · Jemaine:Jemaine: Yes. Murray: Yes. Bret? Bret: No. Murray: What do you mean no? Bret: I'm not here. Murray: You're not here? Bret: No. Murray: Where are you? Bret: No, I was just joking.

Jemaine · Murray:We're at a band meeting. We haven't been here? - Yeah, twice. I mean... - When? Well, it doesn't matter when. They didn't go very well.

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Photo of Gemma's 21st birthday with Murray circling random cousins thinking they're the band

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Photo of Jemaine with ex-girlfriend Clea but with Bret's head superimposed

Bret · Jemaine:I made it. I made this one. You can't take my personal photos and stick other people's heads over... I loved that photo.

Murray · Jemaine:Murray: 'Who wants to hear a sad band?' Jemaine: 'This is the cool look for a band.' Murray: 'But what about your hands in the air and smile?' Jemaine: 'That's gymnasts, Murray.'

Jemaine:That's gymnasts, Murray.

Jemaine:Jemaine: 'you look like an ogre that works in the library'

Bret · Jemaine:Sometimes I'm glad that we don't live in New Zealand anymore. 'Cause of all those penguins. - Remember how there'd be penguins?

Jemaine · Bret:Jemaine repeatedly asking if Bret is bulimic when Bret just wants to eat more

Jemaine:Jemaine claiming he heard Bret being 'a little bit bulimic' in the bathroom after his mom's birthday

Bret · Jemaine:Bret asking for compliments and Jemaine refusing because 'it'd be weird'

Jemaine · Bret:Jemaine dressed as David Bowie claiming 'It's 1972 David Bowie from the Ziggy Stardust tour'

Bret · Jemaine:Bret: 'Wow, you look a lot like Jemaine' Jemaine: 'No, I'm David Bowie'

Jemaine · Bret:Bowie's advice: 'Get an eye patch, man' and Bret already having one

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:It's a company that sells greeting cards. - Greeting cards? - But you know those ones that open up and they have a tune in them?

Jemaine:Jemaine asking the woman to flirt with Bret because 'I think it might be gay' to compliment him himself

Jemaine:Jemaine's awkward compliments: 'Your beard is good' and 'You're good at finding shortcuts'

Jemaine:Your beard is good. It's just a compliment for you... your beard. Just a compliment about your beard being good.

Jemaine:'Bret, you got it going on' song - the entire musical number

Jemaine:'Not in a gay way, just in a hey, man, I wanted to say / That you're looking okay, man, why can't a heterosexual guy / Tell a heterosexual guy that he thinks his booty is fly?'

Jemaine:'I put a wig on you when you were sleeping / I put a wig on you... you-hoo-hoo-hoo / And I just lay there and spooned you'

Jemaine:Jemaine denying he said anything about wigs: 'I think sometimes you hear what you want to hear'

Jemaine:'It wouldn't be gay to put a wig on a man and pretend they're a woman. How could that be gay if you were pretending they're a woman?'

Jemaine:Not that I did it.

Jemaine · Bret:1980 David Bowie confirming that putting a wig on a sleeping friend isn't gay

Jemaine:'I meant on your face, Bret. On your face.' regarding the lightning bolt makeup

Jemaine:Bowie going to a party 'in space'

Bret · Jemaine:'Bowie's in Space' song - entire musical number

Bret · Jemaine:'Do you have one really funky sequined space suit / Or do you have several ch-changes?'

Bret · Jemaine:'Do you smoke grass out in space, Bowie? / Or do they smoke... / AstroTurf?'

Jemaine:'I'm picking it up on my L.S.D. Screen'

Bret · Jemaine:Final reprise of 'Bowie's in Space' with vocal flourishes

Fruit Vendor · Jemaine:Where are you from? - New Zealand. - Yeah, that's what I thought.

Murray · Jemaine:Nothing from your mom, Jemaine. So? I'm just saying, all right?

Murray · Jemaine:We're just having a band meeting... talking about upcoming gigs, that sort of thing. Yeah, there's none.

Jemaine · Murray:What about your wife? I'm separated. Are you? Are you? Yes!

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:You talked me down off the roof. Ah, yes yes. Remember? No.

Jemaine · Bret:Are you crying over the kids' show? Yes. So?

Murray · Jemaine:You know, the... the English and whatnot. Redcoats... the oppressors. We're not English...

Murray · Jemaine:you're pretty much the most disliked race in this whole country. Wh... wh... what about black people?

Jemaine · Dave · Bret:Yeah, but Dave, you're Indian. You hate us? Yeah. Sometimes. But you're our best friend. I know.

Fruit Vendor · Jemaine:How dare you call me a racist! He doesn't mean racist. He means xenophobic.

Jemaine:I don't. Bret was sort of driving this situation.

Jemaine · Bret:Too Many Mutha'uckers song

Jemaine:I pay my mother... ucking rent fortnightly

Jemaine:Then... uckin' pop an apple in his ass, yeah

Jemaine · Murray:We're in the middle of a race war, Murray. What's that? Bad.

Murray · Jemaine:I can't really put my emotions into... into words. So I've decided to use lyrics. Well, this... they're also words.

Jemaine:# Hot leggy blonde chick, got it going on # Wanna see you wearing that thong thong thong... # ...Panties on

Dave · Jemaine:sometimes what I do is I think mean thoughts about the person. How do they know? They don't know.

Jemaine · Dave · Bret:What is the bird? What's that? That's the bird. Well, that bird doesn't have any wings. It's only got one leg.

Fruit Vendor · Jemaine · Bret:Throw another shrimp on the barbie. Ride around on your kangaroos all day. No no no no. That's Australians.

Jemaine:The accents are completely different. Th... they're like, 'Where's the car?' And we're like, 'Where's the car?'

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:Leggy Blonde song

Jemaine:# I'll never get to tear your clothes off on the photocopier #

Jemaine:I don't like croissants.

Jemaine:Yes, that's true, he would.

Jemaine:He's very popular.

Bret · Jemaine:Be more subtle about it. Mmm, that's true.

Jemaine:Je voudrais un croissant.

Bret · Jemaine:Non. - Oh.

Bret · Jemaine:They're having a nice conversation. Yep. Do you like having nice conversations? No. Nope.

Jemaine:There's been a big mix-up, Bret. A disastrous mix-up.

Bret · Jemaine:You are talking to Lisa. - Am I? - Yeah. Right, well that's obviously what's happened. We should swap.

Jemaine · Felicia:Oh, look, Bret's feeling Felicia's breast. - Uh, I'm Felicia. That's... - Yes. ...Lisa. - Feeling Lisa's breast then, probably.

Bret · Jemaine:I'm actually feeling a little bit tired though. I think maybe we should go. - No.

Jemaine:Um, I saw Bret feeling that lady's breast.

Jemaine:What are you talking about? It's girls and spaghetti. We love girls and spaghetti.

Jemaine · Bret:I think you're showing a little too much arm. - Am I? - Mmm. Yeah, you look a little cheap.

Bret · Jemaine:# Who likes to rock the party? # # He likes to rock the party. #

Bret · Jemaine:Well, it turns out she's very aggressive. Did she hit you? No, she wanted to go all the way.

Jemaine · Bret:I thought you already did go all the way. No, now she wants to have sex.

Bret · Jemaine:It's like that scene from 'Top Gun.' You know your favorite scene in 'Top Gun'? - I don't know that movie.

Jemaine:She gave me this free day-old croissant.

Felicia · Jemaine:I only went out with you in the first place because Lisa kind of like insisted that I be her wingman. You're her wingman?

Bret · Jemaine:Yeah, Iraq. - Iraq? - Yes, she's in Delta Force. She's been deployed to Fallujah. But she works in the croissant shop.

Jemaine:She keeps pressuring me into sex. 'Give me some more sex.' Oh, give me a rest... for five minutes.

Jemaine · Bret:Cheer up, Bret. Mmm, it's the talking stove. Things'll work out.

Murray · Jemaine:You're attracted to bastards. - Bastard girls. - It's true.

Jemaine · Bret:I was thinking she was too good for you. She was actually too good for me. Yes, a bit too pretty for you.

Jemaine · Murray:Headlining at Central Park? Yes. Us? Yes. Me and Bret? Yes! Bret as well?

Jemaine:So we have to get up at 7:00 in the morning and do 200 squat-thrusts?

Jemaine:It's probably Mel stalking us.

Jemaine:Shut up, Bret. Don't do your embarrassing speeches.

Jemaine · Murray:'Per diem' means for the day, though. See? Well, I don't know Latin. Well, you should have said...'per weekem,' would be the correct term.

Bret · Jemaine:Gotta be in exactly the right place. It's your turn to hold it, man. My arms are sore.

Jemaine:Are you sexy nurses?

Bret · Jemaine:Do we? Pfft. Do we? Yeah, it's... everyone plays it. It's our national sport.

Jemaine:Don't joke, Bret, it's confusing when you joke.

Bret · Jemaine:Mermaids song sequence

Jemaine:Or are you an optical illusion caused by a woman sitting on a rock holding half a fish?

Bret · Jemaine:But get it wet and it snugs up, it'll shrink... shrink to fit. Yeah, I can't even get mine off.

Murray · Jemaine:you could have a bit of hay coming out of your mouth... a little bit of hay. - All the time? - Yeah.

Murray · Jemaine:And one from Jemaine. - Right. - But he was disqualified.

Murray · Jemaine:Because you can't be a fan of the band. - Why? - It's not a good look.

Murray · Jemaine:First prize... the chance to cook for you two tomorrow night. - That's a terrible prize. I'm glad I didn't win that.

Murray · Jemaine:I've already e-mailed her pretending to be you saying you're excited. - Were you pretending to be me as well? - Yes, that's what I do. It's... it's easier.

Murray · Jemaine:Actually, next time you see Mel, you might want to apologize for your last e-mail. - Okay. Why? - It's just, I think she was quite insulted.

Bret · Jemaine:There's a lot of hot women here. - Yeah. - Look at those two. - Whoa. Whew.

Bret · Jemaine:Ladies song with increasingly absurd nationality descriptors culminating in 'Amphibian Lady' and 'Presbyterian Lady'

Bret · Jemaine:Hermaphrodite Lady-man lady / All you sexy hermaphrodite lady-man ladies

Bret · Jemaine:If every soldier in the world / Put down his weapon and picked up a woman / What a peaceful world this world would be

Bret · Jemaine:Redheads not warheads / Blondes not bombs / We're talking about brunettes not fighter jets

Bret · Jemaine:Sweet 16s not M-16s

Bret · Jemaine:Song opening with extensive tuning: A, B... A... D, G, G, G... G, G, G... G...

Bret · Jemaine:Who likes to rock the party? / I like to rock the party

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:I bought you guys a beer. - I don't even drink beer. - I don't drink it either. - Just drink it, will you?

Jemaine · Bret:I do things for my image... make it more rock 'n' roll with the goatee and everything. I don't like this goatee. I hate it. - Makes you look like a goat, doesn't it? - Yeah, exactly.

Jemaine · Bret · Murray:Tell you what, maybe if I pretend to go to the toilet, you guys see if they're looking at me. - Okay? - Yep.

Jemaine:No, they're not looking at me! I might actually go to the toilet now that I'm over here!

Fan · Jemaine:You must have been really wasted when you wrote that. - No. - Do you mean on drugs? - Oh, yes, we were tripping when we wrote that one, that's right.

Jemaine · Fan:We were totally whacked off. - What? - Whacked off? - Uh, that's just a drug term we use back in New Zealand

Jemaine · Murray:That's... that's our bedroom. - Yep. That's a live webcam from your bedroom.

Jemaine · Murray:I didn't know we had a webcam. - Okay, well, whatever you're doing, just be careful, all right?

Murray · Jemaine:You'll end up like ZZ Top. - What are you talking about? - You know, ZZ Top. - Yeah? - They sang the song about the... the... the woman with the legs.

Jemaine · Summer:So, uh, you guys want to get whacked off? - What? - Yeah. Whacked off, you know, do some drugs.

Bret · Jemaine:I have a cold. - So I won't. - Yeah. I've also got the same cold. It's airborne.

Jemaine · Bret:Maybe just half my half again. - I'll just have a 16th.

Bret · Jemaine:Pretty Prince of Parties drug song with nonsensical lyrics

Jemaine · Bret:I'm going to suggest that we have a threesome. - Oh. - I just have to go and talk to Bret quickly.

Jemaine · Bret:You got to go home. - Why? - Because I've been offered a threesome. - What about me? - No, you're not included.

Bret · Jemaine:You got it wrong. They want me in the threesome. - What? That's not a threesome, that's a foursome.

Bret · Jemaine:You got it wrong. They want me in the threesome. - What? That's not a threesome, that's a foursome.

Bret · Jemaine:You ever had a threesome? - Nearly. - What you mean, nearly? - I had a twosome.

Jemaine · Bret:Yeah, I've done that. I've had a one-way and a two-way. - Oh no, I've had a twosome!

Bret · Jemaine:Extended threesome negotiation in bathroom with both deciding not to participate

Bret · Jemaine:Are you doing it? - You're not doing it? - No. - Okay, I won't do it. - Well, if you're not doing it, then I think I'm... yeah, I'm gonna do it.

Jemaine:Let's just climb out the window and go home. Come on.

Jemaine:What, for the manager to e-mail the fans and offer them man-man-lady threesome?

Bret · Jemaine:Last night, did you... look? - We agreed never to talk about this. - Yeah, but did you look?

Jemaine · Bret:I opened them a little bit so I could see what I was doing. - What were you doing with that chair?

Bret · Jemaine:You weren't in the threesome? - No, I was resting. Actually, me and her both took a break for a while. You were just up there by yourself.

Jemaine · Bret:It was terrible. / It was just the wrong sort of crowd. / You can't call that a crowd. / Yeah, three's a crowd.

Jemaine · Bret:I tried to talk to a guy but he told me to shut up 'cause he was reading the paper. / Oh, you don't disturb people reading the paper, Jemaine. Could be big news he was getting into.

Bret · Jemaine:What about if we give out some free pencils? / No, you're not in New Zealand now, Bret. / I know, but we gave them out, remember that? We got a box of 20 pencils... and that night... 20 people.

Bret · Jemaine:We brought you a cake in the shape / Of a four and a three / 'Cause we all thought you were 43

Bret · Jemaine:You've got a wife, though she comes and go-o-oes

Bret · Jemaine:People will call you 'Ginger Balls' / They'll call you 'Ginger Balls' / But those people don't know what they see / They just see Ginger Balls

Bret · Jemaine:Many spies have many eyes! (in LOTR song)

Bret · Jemaine:I know it's hard when you're little more than 3'4" / Your little ass so close to the floor

Bret · Jemaine:I don't rap about bitches and hos / I rap about witches and trolls

Bret · Jemaine:The magical bling-bling / You'll never be the Lord of the Rings

Jemaine:When he lives in his office, he washes his underpants in the sink and dries them in the microwave. It's very humiliating for everyone involved.

Jemaine · Bret:Bret... he's acting. / You think that was acting? / He's acting. / God, he's good. / He is good. He's very good.

Murray · Jemaine:Well, needless to say, people are still talking about me in Barcelona. / I bet they are.

Jemaine · Murray:Murray, who's this guy? / I'm getting to that, Jemaine, all right? That's in the agenda under Todd.

Jemaine:Whoa!

Murray · Jemaine:Sometimes I have good ideas. / When? / Like that time I saw you for the first time onstage. I said 'Face the front,' and you did.

Murray · Jemaine:Give Peace a Chance. / Give Pete a Chance. / Peace.

Todd · Jemaine:Can we try a song that I wrote real quick? / No.

Mel · Jemaine:Whoa-ho! What are the chances? We're always bumping into each other. / About one in one.

Jemaine · Todd:She's a maniac. / In the sack? Really? / No. What?

Todd · Jemaine:Oh, I thought you had a threesome with her. / No, she's just a fan. Never had a threesome with her.

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:He's the Pied Piper of cool. / Pied Piper was a good musician, wasn't he? / He was cool. / He wasn't cool. / Yes, he was. / He took all those kids into a cave.

Todd · Jemaine:Your solos were too long? / No no no, the band name is too long. / What is it? Flight of the Con... Con... Conchords... / Blah blah blah. Too long, too boring.

Jemaine · Bret:You're too easily offended. / I can't believe you just said that.

Jemaine · Bret:I told him he was fired, he pushed me. / Then he said that you should be fired because you're the one holding us back. / Well, I hit him.

Jemaine:Well, you see, while I had him in a headlock, he sort of explained why he thought you shouldn't be in the band. And after a while it kind of made sense.

Bret · Jemaine:You were only over there for like 20 seconds. / Yeah, after about 20 seconds it kind of made sense.

Jemaine:It's easy for me to fire you, Bret, because you're my friend.

Jemaine:Flup!

Todd · Jemaine:More enthusiasm this time, all right? / Todd, how about you get down on all fours and wag your tail like you just can't fail and I'll just play bass, huh?

Jemaine:What do you play, the leather jacket?

Jemaine:Well, I was trying to fire Todd but he did a sad face at me.

Bret · Jemaine:It's going pretty good, except that he copies my moves. / What moves? / My dance moves. / You don't have dance moves.

Jemaine · Mel · Jemaine:Hey, Mel, you didn't make it to our gig the other... / Oh, yeah. / There was no one there... without you there.

Murray · Jemaine:Number one in 24 countries. / They say hi? / No.

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:They called me to say that you stole a cushion. - Did you? - Mm-hmm. - Yes.

Jemaine:No, this is a really nice cushion.

Bret · Murray · Jemaine:'dear Murray, We want to fire you as our manager.' - What? - What?

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:Now look at you. - We're poor and we've got no gigs. - We're slightly poorer.

Jemaine:Yeah, bret's only got one shoe.

Jemaine:Are you sure that's not for the crazy dogggz?

Jemaine:Why did I get double stuffed?

Jemaine · Murray:I thought we won 'best new zealand artists.' There's no such category, jemaine.

Jemaine · Bret · Murray:What would you be doing behind the scenes? - Having dinner? - Going to the movies? - Relaxing?

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Um, higgling. - Higgling? - Yeah, do you know what that means? - Is that a word that you just made up? - It's made-up, yeah

Bret · Jemaine:♪ some women like men ♪ ♪ some are lesbian ♪ ♪ femident toothpaste. ♪

Jemaine · Bret:I thought your dad was a sheep lawyer. Yeah, during the day, but at night he weaves a lot.

Jemaine · Bret:Women's rights. - No, that's more of a man's thing, isn't it? ... my father's a women's rights activist. Dad wouldn't allow that.

Jemaine · Martin:We thought it would be more of a concept. I know you're from new zealand. What is this, 'lord of the rings'?

Martin · Jemaine:I am doubling it. It was going to be $500 each. - He already doubled it in his mind.

Murray · Jemaine:I'm persona non regates. - You know what that means? - You're not at yacht race?

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:I'm persona non regates. - You know what that means? - No. - You're not at yacht race?

Bret · Jemaine:♪ you are a woman, you wear women's wear ♪ ♪ you have breasts and longish hair, oh yeah ♪

Jemaine:No, we're illegal immigrants.

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Bad news, guys: Your passports aren't ready. - Do you have them? - No, they're in my cupboard. - You just said you had them. - I've got them in my cupboard.

Bret · Jemaine:♪ there are angels ♪ ♪ in the clouds ♪ ♪ doing it ♪

Bret · Jemaine:What's that? - It's a cup. What, a new cup? Yeah, I got a new cup. Do you like it? - We've got a cup. - Yeah, we've got one cup. We needed two cups.

Jemaine · Bret:Bret, do you even pay any attention to the cup roster? - Your cup roster.

Bret · Jemaine:That means I can't drink a cup of tea between 7:00 and 9:00 pm. Well, I have it till 9:00 and then you get it for two hours. Then I use it from 11:00 till 1:00. You use it from 1:00 till 3:00.

Jemaine:Okay, well, I just need a second to calm down.

Jemaine · Bret:How much was that cup again? $2.79. Oh, that's quite interesting, isn't it?

Jemaine:Yes, but the point is because of your $2.79 spending spree, we now owe $60 and our phone and gas are gonna be cut off.

Jemaine · Bret:Ah. We got a letter from the electricity company. What did it say? Didn't read it.

Jemaine · Bret:We got a letter from the electricity company. What did it say? Didn't read it.

Jemaine · Bret:The bass. It's called a bass. Well, I call it the dad guitar, 'cause it's more like a... 'I'm your dad. Hey, Murray, get into the shed and get the mower... do the lawn.'

Murray · Jemaine:Conchords crash and burn. Doesn't sound too good. By Murray hewitt. - You wrote this?

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:Two stars. - Two stars? - Two stars. - You can't give us two stars, Murray. Two out of five stars? Well, I wish it was, but it's out of 100.

Murray · Jemaine:It's a friend of mine from nigeria. - Nigel soladu. - When did you go to nigeria? Well, I didn't go. That's the best bit.

Jemaine · Bret:- Bret does. - No. - I don't. You do. - Bret does. - I don't, but Bret does. - He does. - Jemaine's the one for that. - Bret always does that.

Jemaine:Well, it's a story about a prostitute called Richard gere who gets to go out with a "pretty woman" Julia roberts who pays him a lot of money.

Jemaine · Bret:Bret, the ladies go crazy for my sugarlumps. - Your what?

Jemaine:¶ let me tell you, I see you girls checking out my trunks ¶

Jemaine:¶ my dungarees make them hunger-ees ¶

Jemaine:¶ they're over the moon when I don pantaloons ¶

Jemaine:¶ my cannonballs cause a kerfuffle ¶

Jemaine:♪ when in walks a guy with his dick in a sling ♪

Jemaine:¶ I said, '10 bucks,' he said, 'no way' '10 bucks and a frisbee,' he said, 'okay' ¶

Jemaine:¶ and sold 'em as hacky Sacks later that day ¶

Jemaine:Nut loaf.

Jemaine · Bret:And also, I think you're gonna have to go the whole way. You can't just hug them. Just hugs until I get more confident.

Jemaine:20-40-60. Okay, 10-30-50. $5. He'll go all the way and he's clean.

Jemaine:Sad because we don't have any electricity, but satisfied 'cause I was right about the cup.

Jemaine · Bret:How many straws does it take to make a superstraw? Five. What's the total cost of those five straws? Two-fift... oh.

Jemaine:I was just calling to say... do you remember how we slept together about six times I think it was last year in february? Uh, yeah. I'm a prostitute now.

Jemaine:Also, would you be interested in going out sometime?

Jemaine:I have a few rules. No laughing, especially during, okay? It puts me off.

Jemaine:I knew if you bought a cup, we'd end up in jail. I knew it.

Murray · Jemaine:Jemaine, was it a good thing to prostitute yourself? - Well... - no, it wasn't.

Murray · Jemaine:We were at square two, but now we're back. - When was that? - Let's stop talking about squares.

Jemaine · Bret:¶ some people say that rappers don't have feelings ¶ ¶ we have feelings ¶

Jemaine · Bret:¶ we're vincible ¶

Jemaine:¶ and the assistant suggested I try a ladies' size ¶

Jemaine:¶ I'm not gonna wear a ladies' wetsuit, I'm a man ¶

Jemaine:¶ get me a small man's wetsuit, please ¶

Jemaine:¶ they forgot about me ¶

Jemaine:¶ the day after my birthday is not my birthday, mom ¶

Jemaine:¶ once again, they forgot about j ¶

Jemaine · Murray · Bret:Death? - Yeah, or worse. Isn't it the same way with rappers back in newfoundland? - I'm not sure. - New zealand.

Murray · Jemaine:I heard of one rapper... he chopped this guy's whole body off, just left the dick behind. Don't you mean they... they chopped off his dick? No, I mean they held his dick and chopped his whole body off. That's all he was in the end... a dick.

Murray · Jemaine:Yes. Who was in your gang, you and your mom? No, Jemaine. It was me, my brother graeme, and my dad Gordon. Mom wasn't even allowed in it. No one knew why.

Jemaine · Mel:I had to throw it away! Because Bret was jealous. Really? Was he going apeshit? He went apeshit.

Jemaine:¶ have you ever been told that you're miss new zealand? ¶

Jemaine:¶ Bret, cool your jets, don't sweat ¶ ¶ don't flip, don't get upset ¶

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:What's the friendship realm? Well, you've heard of a realm? Yes. Well, this is like a friendship one.

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Who's Jim? Jim's my best friend. We've never heard of Jim. Well, if you guys were my friends, you'd know who my other friend was... Jim.

Bret · Jemaine:Oh, there's Mel. Go go go.

Jemaine:The lips are very prominent.

Mel · Bret · Jemaine:Wouldn't it be fantastic if the world was more like your dreams? No. Yeah.

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Build a fort? That's the sort of stuff I do with Jim. Who's Jim? Jim, my friend Jim. We're not Jim.

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:This is what we used to do in the New Zealand army. Do you see children in the army, Jemaine? No, you don't. Well, actually you do, Bret, in some armies, but not the good ones, not the New Zealand army.

Murray · Jemaine:My whole platoon had to drink their own urine. Oh, were you lost? No, we were drunk. It was a party game.

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:Bret, I feel like you're my brother. And, Jemaine, you're our dad. Go to sleep, Murray. Good night, dad. Good night, graeme.

Bret · Murray · Jemaine:Can I be Chandler? No, I'm Chandler. But I'm more like Chandler... I say witty things. I have witticisms. No, you don't. You're mopey.

Jemaine · Murray:It's a pretty quiet party, Murray. - It's only just started, Jemaine.

Murray · Jemaine:He's like a one-man party. Well, does he need us then?

Jim · Bret · Jemaine:Rapid-fire questioning sequence: Rock? Yeah. Funk? Yes. Country? Yeah. Hair band? Yes. [continues] Jazz fusion? Yeah. No. Cool.

Jim · Bret · Jemaine:Jazz fusion? - Yeah. - No. - Cool.

Jim · Jemaine · Bret:What do you call that style of haircut? Bret cuts it. Ask him. Oh, I just call that the 'Jemaine.'

Bret · Jim · Jemaine:I ride an exercycle and run up and down the stairs in our apartment each day. How many stairs in your apartment, Jemaine? 75.

Jim · Jemaine:How many people have you met? I don't know. What, in total? How many people have you met? 285,621.

Jim · Jemaine · Bret:Favorite part of the newspaper? Uh, pages? Nope. Uh, articles? I don't really have a favorite part... I like the stories about animals when they've escaped from the zoo.

Jemaine · Bret · Jim · Murray:Because he's a dick. Because... we're busy. Did Jemaine just call me a dick? Um, yes. Bret, don't tell him that!

Jemaine · Bret · Jim:Because he's a dick. - Why not? - Because... we're busy... just really busy at the moment. Did Jemaine just call me a dick?

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:I got him drunk and he told me that you called him a dick. I do call you a dick sometimes. Same. I've called you a dick before.

Murray · Jemaine:I got him drunk and he told me that you called him a dick. Yeah. Well, Bret confirmed it though.

Murray · Jemaine:Just come and give your names at the desk. - We'll come in and introduce ourselves.

Bret · Jemaine · Murray:Not cool enough. - You two? - Yes, we're not that cool. - Yeah, everyone looks pretty cool. - They're cooler than us.

David · Bret · Jemaine:Hey, guys, too many dicks. What? Too many dicks. What's that, man? Too many. You guys are dorking up my vibe with all the dicks.

Jemaine · Bret:Bret, I think she might be Australian. Are you sure she's Australian? Either she's Australian or she really likes Australia.

Jemaine · Keitha:I'm not sure I got your name. Keitha. Pardon? Keitha. Keitha? Yeah, it's like Keith but with an 'a' at the end. I was named after me dad.

Bret · Jemaine:She's got a man's name. Keitha, that's a lovely name.

Jemaine:Kind of like an evil version of our accent.

Bret · Jemaine:Did you use protection? Yes, but only on my penis.

Bret · Jemaine:That's all red. That's lipstick. It's crabs. It's not crabs. It's crabs. It's lipstick.

Murray · Jemaine:Purpose for the biscuits... you put 'NA.' What is 'NA'? Not applicable. There's no purpose for your biscuits? No, I just wanted them.

Murray · Jemaine:How do you accidently sleep with one? What, did she get you naked and you tripped over and fell on her?

Keitha · Jemaine:Thanks. It's me mom's recipe. Oh, is your mom Australian? Yeah yeah, she's a panel beater.

Keitha · Jemaine:Sit around here asking me stupid questions, get in that bedroom and root me again. They're both good options.

Jemaine:do australians feel love? are they capable of love? do they even know what we're speaking of?

Jemaine · Bret:That was a misunderstanding. You were wearing a vest top. A my mom gave me that. She thought it made me look like bruce willis. Well, it didn't. It made you look like an Australian.

Murray · Jemaine:And your children, what about them? What would become of them? They'll be aberrations, won't they? It's pronounced aborigines.

Jemaine · Bret:Uh, it's you putting on a woman's voice pretending to be keitha breaking up with me. It's clearly you, Bret. I don't think so. It's obviously you putting on a woman's voice.

Jemaine · Bret:She's not from wollongong. Shh. She's from wollamaloo.

Bret · Jemaine:Jemaine, did I show you my gloves that look like my hands? Get off. Get off. Let go of my glove. Ow, that's actually my hand.

Jemaine:felicity saw there was no electricity, Emily, no chemistry, fran ran, turned out to be a man

Jemaine:carol Brown just took a bus out of town, but I'm hoping that you'll stick around

Jemaine:who organized all of my ex-girlfriends into a choir and got them to sing?

Jemaine:tiffany, you said that you had an epiphany

Jemaine:mmm, would you like a little cereal?

Jemaine · Carriage driver:How much is it to new Jersey, by the way? I don't go to new Jersey. I only ride around the park. That's weird. Yeah. She said she'd done it before.

Jemaine · Bret:Bret, have you seen keitha? She robbed us. Her and her friends jumped me and taped me to the door.

Jemaine · Bret:Did she mention me at all? No, sorry, man. I'm not sure about her and me.

Jemaine · Bret:Can I get a hug? Huh? Can I get a hug? Hug? No. No. A hug? Unfair. I'm not participating in this hug.

Jemaine · Bret:Jemaine doing impressions of Bret's mom saying 'Do it now!' and 'Oh, hello, Bret'

Jemaine:'he can't have gone far. On foot?' - Jemaine's literal interpretation of how dogs travel

Jemaine:'Terrible affliction.' - Jemaine's overly formal response to canine epilepsy

Jemaine:'tell me about that girl that's so serious' - Musical wordplay on 'serious'

Bret · Jemaine:The escalating 'then/there/when' exchange between Bret and Jemaine

Bret · Jemaine:'no, I'm thinking what I'm thinking' and the subsequent thinking confusion

Bret · Jemaine:Brahbrah vs Barbara name argument in song

Bret · Jemaine:'white chocolate skin' - poetic description of Barbara in song

Bret · Jemaine:'she had her eye on my knee' / 'she had her eye on my guns' / 'she was checking out my buns'

Jemaine:'wait a minute, you talking about the girl with the lazy eye?' - revelation about Barbara's eye

Bret · Jemaine:'the girl that's fly with the wonky eye' / 'she's smoking with an eye that's broken'

Jemaine:'So I grabbed them' - Jemaine's matter-of-fact dog collection

Jemaine · Barbara:'They didn't allow dogs. You dressed your dog as a cat?' 'Yeah, no dogs allowed, so it was the only way I could sneak him in.'

Bret · Murray · Jemaine:'It's a song about... pepileptic dogs.' 'Epileptic dogs.' 'Mine's about dogs with epilepsy.'

Bret · Jemaine:'How many people do you know who are pro-aids?' 'No one's pro-aids.'

Jemaine:'As an angel might say' - Jemaine's response to 'speak of the devil'

Jemaine · Bret:'But I'm also organizing a benefit to try and raise some money for these poor prophylactic dogs.' 'Epileptic.' 'Epileptic.'

Jemaine:'Seems like an odd time for jazzercise' when Bret leaves at night

Jemaine:'I'm developing a vaccine for pepileptic dogs' and taking it himself

Jemaine:'I'm developing a vaccine for pepileptic dogs.' / 'I take it every 30 minutes.'

Jemaine:'But I think that's because of the vaccine' - Jemaine's logic about not having epilepsy

Jemaine:Jemaine's obviously fake glued-on beard

Jemaine:'Sometimes I grow a beard' and 'sometimes I glue one on' when pressed for time

Bret · Jemaine:The challenge to a duel over Barbara

Barbara · Jemaine:'my name is brahbrah. B-r-a-h-b-r-a-h.' / 'Told you it was brahbrah.'

Murray · Jemaine:Brett, present. Jemaine, present. Murray... Why didn't you let us say present?

Murray · Jemaine:I'm trying to save time here, Jemaine. That wouldn't have saved much time.

Murray · Jemaine:Do you want to know why? No. All right, I'll tell you.

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:Murray giving Jemaine clothes and Bret a wig, trying to disguise it as gifts

Jemaine · Murray:A wig? What does Bret need a... Yeah. It's for the gig, okay?

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:The karaoke bar 'gig' explanation and Murray's defense

Jemaine · Murray:You've been managing us for two years. Yeah, I know, but that's the first time I've been to that karaoke bar.

Jemaine:Jemaine: 'So we look like some simon & garfunkel lookalikes who don't look like simon & garfunkel?'

Elton impersonator · Jemaine:There is a guy who is not doing his own thing. There's a guy who doesn't have a single original idea in his head. He's dressed... he's doing elton John's thing. He looks like you.

Host · Jemaine:This is parsley and this is sage. Hello, sage.

Jemaine · Date:I usually look better than this. I like your height. I'm usually this height.

Bystander · Jemaine:What language is he talking? English.

Jemaine · Dave:Dave, I'm going on a date with a woman tonight. Gonna bang her? She didn't mention that. She mentioned dinner.

Jemaine:Jemaine's description of Scarborough Fair as 'the one with the shopping list'

Mel · Jemaine:Mel appearing and disappearing with crazy warnings about the date

Date · Jemaine:There was no one there. That's weird. Mmm. That's... that's strange.

Woman · Jemaine:Woman wanting Jemaine to change back into the Art Garfunkel wig

Date · Jemaine:Do you always talk with the accent? Yeah. Don't talk. Sing. Pardon? Sing 'bright eyes.' I don't think that... Sing it. Don't sing. Don't talk.

Woman · Jemaine:Woman's contradictory demands about singing then not talking

Jemaine:Demon Woman song lyrics about curdling milk and scaring livestock

Jemaine:'how'd you magic my clothes off?' lyric

Jemaine:'your breasts are balls of flame / and I'm burning my hands playing these ballgames'

Bret · Jemaine:Why are you wearing your art garfunkel costume? I don't know. She just prefers me to wear it.

Jemaine · Dave · Elton:Jemaine explaining he's been away three days and still wearing the costume

Jemaine:Jemaine saying he could keep this up 'a couple of years'

Art Garfunkel · Jemaine · Karen:Art Garfunkel appearing at the door and the second Art Garfunkel revelation

Jemaine:Bret, are you rehearsing Paul simon's solo stuff?

Jemaine · Murray:What, so the majority of the audience is shopping bags? Yeah, most of the audience are shopping bags.

Bret · Jemaine · Murray:Hey, when did he go? When did that guy leave? Yeah, he... he snuck out. Possibly as early as the first song.

Murray · Jemaine:Technically I actually snuck out as well. You snuck out? What do you mean you snuck out?

Jemaine · Murray:Well, you went shopping. Oh, yeah.

Murray · Jemaine:That's when I didn't have to pay the meter. Remember the meter was broken when I parked outside your apartment? That's the high point of our career?

Jemaine · Murray:It's not the '90s. Okay, my point is the difference between cool bands and you is hair.

Jemaine · Murray:I've got hair. True. But most of your hair is body hair, isn't it, Jemaine?

Jemaine · Murray:A moss-green shirt and a tie? Obviously this is for work. Up here is for play, isn't it? No, this is it.

Jemaine · Bret:How's that? That looks cool.

Bret · Jemaine:Fashion song sequence

Bret · Jemaine:You think fashion's your friend, my friend, fashion is danger

Bret · Jemaine:Posing sequence - posing at the bar, posing sitting down, posing in the distance, posing with my arm, posing with my leg, posing like a swan, posing for a portrait, posing a threat

Bret · Jemaine:¶ posing for a portrait ¶ ¶ posing a threat ¶

Murray · Jemaine:Actually, you're part Maori, aren't you? No, I'm not doing it. But you are part Maori? Yes, but I'm not doing it. Please? No. Please be the Maori. No.

Murray · Jemaine:Well, if you don't do it we're gonna have to get Mexicans. You can't get Mexicans to do it. That's culturally insensitive. We've already signed one up so it can't be too sensitive.

Bret · Jemaine:Hey, where's the gel gone? What happened to all the gel? You know what happened to the gel. You used it. Did you finish the gel on your body hair?

Bret · Jemaine:You've been gelling your beard. Your beard looks good.

Bret · Jemaine:Gel throwing fight sequence with 'That was very dangerous' reactions

Jemaine · Bret:There's people. They'll see us. No one can see me like this. You go. No, I can't go out there. Not without gel.

Bret · Jemaine:There's still some gel. There's still a little bit of gel. You're imagining the gel. There's still some. There's no gel left. It's not there.

Jemaine · Bret:What if he's keeping the gel for himself to make himself look good? Don't think so, man. That big ginger head of his looking great.

Jemaine:You come in here without any mousse? What's wrong with you? I don't know who you are anymore.

Bret · Jemaine:Glue? This should work. Yeah yeah, this is good. It's just like gel. Same viscosity.

Bret · Jemaine:Jemaine, I stuck my head to my hand. You idiot, Bret. You've got a pillow on your head. What? Where? Other side. Oh, we're both idiots. Idiot, man.

Murray · Jemaine:It wasn't the gel that made you cool. It wasn't? It was the confidence the gel gave you.

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Yeah, it was the hair gel, guys. Sorry. We're not cool? No.

Jemaine:where are you going with this, Bret?

Jemaine:when was this?

Jemaine:uh, Bret, could you please move over to your right?

Jemaine:oh, yeah? Sounds a bit gay.

Jemaine:so did you... did you get the bread, or...

Jemaine:is her middle name cheri? So it's a secret cheri maybe?

Jemaine:'oh, frigid' - Jemaine's response to 'winter's morning'

Jemaine:Bret, did any of this actually happen?

Bret · Jemaine:I made 95% of that up. Which bit's true? I saw a girl.

Jemaine:So your excuse for not getting the bread is because you were on a fantasy date?

Jemaine · Bret:Why don't you go on a real date? Because they're never as good as fantasy dates.

Bret · Jemaine:She works down at the cheap zoo. The pet store?

Bret · Jemaine:Well, if you get two, you get one free. But you don't even want any goldfish, Bret. Why would you buy two? Might as well get one free.

Jemaine · Bret:Oh! When? Always. Oh, okay. So you do something every time, and suddenly you've got a reputation.

Jemaine · Murray:What are you doing in here? Fixing the shower. It wasn't broken. Well, I'm sorry... I broke it.

Dave · Bret · Jemaine:Dave's confusion about their existence/New Zealand

Dave · Jemaine:Guys, women like three things: Men in kilts, southern comfort, and Chris isaak's 'wicked game.' Whoa, he does know more than you.

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray's elaborate band meeting protocol for three people

Jemaine:'Chicken torso' as Bret's codename

Jemaine:Stand with your feet apart like your balls are on fire. Don't do the accompanying face, though... just the stance.

Jemaine · Bret · Savannah:Half ignore her and half pay attention to her. Hello. Turn side on. Say somethin you assho! Compliment her hair. Ask her what's up with her face. What's up with your face?

Jemaine · Murray:Tell her you're freaky. Why would you tell her that he's freaky? How's he gonna get into her pants if he doesn't...

Bret · Jemaine:She's a bit crazy. Do you want me to give you a hand breaking up with her?

Landlord · Bret · Jemaine:They're in new zealand dollars... it's a new zealand account

Jemaine:Can we give you an I.O.U? In American dollars, not in new zealand dollars

Jemaine:Never

Jemaine:Never.

Jemaine · Murray · Bret:By whose authority? / The landlord. / Why? Just because we were paying with new zealand dollars instead of American dollars. / Okay, so he's a racist and now you're homeless

Bret · Jemaine · Murray:Present.

Jemaine:Our story is the story of two guys who start at the bottom and with a lot of hard work continue along the bottom and finally end up at the bottom

Bret · Jemaine · Hotel clerk:Oh, that's today's date. / Weird. / Yeah, it's today's date. It happened earlier today

Mel · Bret · Jemaine:You must not leave the house. / When? / What, never? / Well, not after 11:30 P.M. And preferably never

Jemaine · Mel:I sometimes go to the toilet in the middle of the night. / Mm-hmm. I know

Jemaine:Petrov, Yelyena and me / lost but happy at sea

Jemaine:How come it looks so much like my arm which has been hacked off at the elbow last night? / Oh, it's an arm fish

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Good shepherding today, guys! / Thanks, Murray!